How Asexual People Navigate Orgies With Confidence | S5 EP140

You can be asexual and still love sex spaces. That’s not a contradiction, and we’re done pretending it is. We’re talking about sex-favorable asexuality and what it looks like when you genuinely enjoy the vibe of kink events, swingers spaces, and even orgy rooms while not feeling the same kind of primary sexual attraction that allosexual people assume is “the whole point.”

We share real-world stories from hotel takeover style swinger environments, the difference in how people initiate in swingers culture versus kinky queer spaces, and why “I like how you look, but I don’t need to have sex” can short-circuit a lot of expectations. We also get honest about how fetishizing comments and pushy flirting miss the mark, and why a good conversation often matters more than any physical compliment. If you’ve ever felt out of place in sex-positive community spaces, this is your reminder that belonging isn’t earned through performance.

From there we break down core ace spectrum language: sex-averse, sex-neutral, and sex-favorable, plus the crucial takeaway that asexuality does not equal absence of sexuality. We talk about libido vs desire, how the body can respond even when the mind isn’t chasing sex, and how partners can get hurt when they treat orgasm as validation. We end with practical tools for consent and communication: defining intimacy for yourself, naming non-negotiables, keeping a living yes no maybe list, and scheduling regular relationship check-ins so boundaries can evolve without drama.

If this helped you, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs a better framework, and leave a review so more ace and allosexual listeners can find the conversation. What part of the ace experience do you wish more people understood?

Source material -

https://weareher.com/sex-favorable-asexual-dating-guide/

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/asexual-sex-positivity#moving-forward

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Copy

Welcome And Campfire Banter

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Hola, welcome back everybody to another episode of Round the Kinky Campfire. This is your host uh Ultimate Ooh. Ooh, understand Ooh, understandable one. Julius Marquise. This is the Alternative Lifestyle Podcast for you where we answer the questions you didn't even know what you have about queer, kinky, non-monogamous, and sometimes geeky stuff. Okay, here we go. Before we get into it though, we'll talk about something that you should know. And that is food that or food that is drink that will flow down your gullet, and hopefully you don't have a mullet. Um show it. Anyways, uh once again I have Diodr Thunder, aka Diet Dr. Pepper. Don't know where they went from pepper to thunder for, but they did. Uh ASMR five seconds. Three, two, one. Um, not bad. Um, yeah. So if you didn't catch last episode, more on Diet Dr. Hap Dr. Thunder. Uh let me know. Diet vs. Zero can metal can versus plastic bottle. Metal can zero. There is a difference. I can taste it. It's just diet is just no. Aspir time for the win, aspir team, aspir time. Anyways, back to the actual topic. Today's episode topic is sex spaces for ace folks. Right now, I would love to create a sex space for ace people, but we need to do some backing up and backstory first. Because what does that mean? Julius, that means that as somebody on the asexual slash aromantic spectrum, you can have fun in sex spaces and be just as happy sitting in the middle of the orgy, fully clothed, just hanging out with all the naked people, getting their rocks off, and I can just have just as much fun as that. If y'all didn't catch the Nazi Nolans review, uh go check that out. And also, there's another podcast called Smut Lovers of Pod, where the whole group of us uh talk about or will talk

Why Ace Folks Want Sex Spaces

SPEAKER_00 3:06

about, this will be out probably before this that other episode, but you'll see at some point that we talk about our experiences, and most of us are queer and kinky going into a swingerspace for the first time. Now, I will say, as somebody more experienced with the swingerspace, it was interesting and fun to see everybody's uh experience with it, uh, especially how communication goes in swingerspaces versus kinky spaces. If you want me to do a whole episode on that, I definitely can. Like um cruising and like uh compliment, let's just say like flirting. I don't know, the whole initiation thing, like hey, I want to spank you versus hey, I want to fuck you. Uh, there's a whole different way of uh initiating that. And um, kinky queer folk have less experience with with it in the swingers world, so it was very interesting to go into a whole hotel just taken over by swinger people. It was great. And also, I was like, Okay, the whole reason why I want to do this particular episode is uh as a a spec person who very much loves going into the orgy spaces and being around those people, but not needing to participate, having to explain that to people is like, I like how you look, there is sexual attraction there, but I don't need to fuck you. Um is a whole whole weird thing, and a lot of people, especially the allosexuals, do not understand those people that can have sex without emotion attached at all. It's very, very confusing to us as the A-Spec people, but I still enjoy being there and I still very much enjoy sex with certain people, uh, particularly more specifically right now, especially just with partners. And the idea of going into a hotel and just fucking random people that I don't even know their name or whatever, um, is wild to me. I once again have never been part of the hookup culture, never just fucked just to be fucking. Uh, I've done like exploratory fucking with partners to be like, oh, do I like this or not? That type of deal. But uh just uh the stuff I saw, it wasn't anything like surprising to me. A little bit. It wasn't even like I didn't feel judgment towards them or anything, uh, or from them, but it's very confusing as an A-Spec person. Like, I know it happens, just because I know it happens doesn't mean I understand it. Uh, such is life. But it's also like, wow, you guys can do that. Also, I'm a little jealous too. It's like, I wish I could have fun like that, and it's like, huh, this is what we're doing, huh? Okay, and I think sometimes there was a little fetishism. Let's just say there's people there that were not on the typical side of physically, and it's like, oh, okay, because of a physical trait, people wanted to get their rocks off as well. And I was like, that's so strange to me. Um, also good for the people that are not uh of the physical, typical um uh world, and then they're uh there uh knowing that kind of stuff happens, but to each their own. If you want to lean into your fetishisms to your advantage, then you can do that too. But I'm not that person. I need to have a good old conversation, and this is why I want to have this like whole series, because I plan on doing a whole series. Uh, I would love to talk about that because I feel like the a spec sex positive person doesn't get a whole lot of lime in the light. Light lime. So hopefully at the end of this episode, you'll understand how it is, uh, especially y'all sex havers out there, hedonists, self-proclaimed, what it's like and why ace people like to be in the sexual spaces too, but don't need to be fucking. Uh, okay. Understanding sex favorable asexuality. And of course, I'll have the articles that this episode is based off of in the description. So

Swingers Spaces And Orgy Observations

SPEAKER_00 6:56

feel free to check it out. Uh, let's see here. Someone on the a spectrum asexual spectrum who does not experience primary sexual attraction, but has a positive or open attitude towards sex. That's me. Absence of attraction, not the absence of action. That's me. Although I do have attraction. Um, I just don't need to act on it. That's uh one of the things. So that's like a misnomer. It's like, oh, you don't have the attraction, so you don't want to do the thing, or you want to do the thing, but then have don't have attraction. That's probably another thing, too. Because it's like if I have a good conversation with somebody and they want, um, it's not even like pity or feel bad, though. It's like, oh, it's a compliment. Okay, you can have some. If somebody gives me a great conversation, and um I will do this stuff because the body does stuff uh that the mind doesn't necessarily want to, aka graping, um uh that kind of stuff happens. SAing is a thing, and people do um get wet or hard, and it happens. Like males can get grape too, so that's a hundred percent a thing, and your body does not always listen to you all the time. So there are times where I'll have a good mental connection with somebody and they want to do the sex stuff, and I'm like, yeah, sure, whatever. And they'll be like, Alright, buddy, you good? All right, we're out of here. It's like, but having explained that to people, it's like, oh my god, if you are newer to sexual stuff and of the male variety, like you have a penis and you're with somebody that has a vagina, and you don't finish, I will tell you from personal experience, they get hurt. Uh sometimes they cry. And it's like at a time when I didn't know what asexual was, and it's like, oh my god, I feel terrible, but I didn't really want to do it. And I can't lie, so I didn't, and it's like, oh, they get so hurt, and it's like it takes you years to understand the whole entire concept. Like, if you tell some, oh, especially if you somebody you have strong feelings for, it's like, oh, yeah, you can get some, I don't really need to do it. Oh my god. I've literally been like told, I will suck it out of you, I'll get down there, we'll be there for 30, 45 minutes, I don't care. And it's like, whoa. I feel like they thought that was a turn-on, but it really wasn't for the most part. It's kind of aggressive in the wrong way. Yeah, that was rough. Um, but yeah, that yeah, I'll just tell you now, people that are inexperienced, when you come across that, that is that is 100% a thing that happens. Uh, so just uh sometimes it's just easier, just kind of just try to bust the nut. Uh okay, some are sex averse, others sex neutral. Some have fluctuating attractions depending on the vibe and the context, and also how the communication goes right here. This this person here. Understanding there's no right way to be exsexual, asexual helps normalize. That is correct. Remember that it's about the lack of sexual attraction here, not necessarily the lack of sexual pleasure or action. Yeah, there's like zero purely sexual attraction. There's no way. That's the part that a lot of people don't understand. The allosexuals are like you can be sexually attracted or not and still not or have sex. Like, yes, there are people that can do that. Zero sex attraction is somebody and have sex with them. Just because there's a mental and like uh I don't want to say feeling, there's a mental and personality connection. Yeah, there's all this stuff. So I will be talking y'all ears off campsters about this. If y'all relate, comment below. Let me know where my ace tribe is. Ace sex positive tribe. Asexual identities one-on-one. Sex repulse people feel discomfort and aversion towards sex prefer uh or it requires non-sexual intimacy. I love me some intimacy. And um, whether sexual or non-sexual, if I'm doing that with a partner, that usually leads to more sex. I'll just say that right now. And um yeah, I do experience sex repulsion. Doesn't seek it but isn't bothered by it. Um yeah, I slip into that too. Sex favorable or positive, open to or enjoy sex, often for emotional and relational reasons. Relational, yes. So definitely 100% on there most of the time. Um definitely for emotion, intimacy. I mean, how close, how closer could you be with somebody but inside them? Just say that. Um definitely for relationship. I just I just view sex as not a goal or anything like that, but it's just like a I don't want to say checkbox. It's just something to be close about.

Sex-Favorable Asexuality Explained

SPEAKER_00 13:49

That's what I'll say. And also when the intimacy is high and the foreplay is great, it's like why not? But yeah, there's um there's a certain like petization of sex that people put on. Um, and the people that like they abstain from sex for some reason, those people don't make any sense to me. And the people are just horny all the time and just get it from anywhere and just want to do it all the time, those people don't make any sense to me. It's like it's just a thing for me. Just like naked people, just because you're naked doesn't mean anything. If I can see you're drunk, then it's like okay, naked bodies are naked bodies. So if I'm sitting in the middle of the orgy, wiping off the bed and people having sex right next to me, it's like, eh, just don't get your juices on me. It's like if we were friends, then yeah, juicy's fine, whatever. We had a conversation. I don't care if my friends get their juices on me, don't really care. Um, so yeah, there's that, and then uh uh yeah, uh yeah, I'm flashing back to the orgy now. I'm trying to think if I had any issues with any of it, but it's like naked people are naked people. I'm working the um nude speed dating, and it's like everybody's naked, like and most of them shaved, which is very I very much enjoying seeing uh bodies of all genders shaved. That was that was my biggest thing. Uh yeah, it's great. Differs from demisexuality where sexual attraction develops only after an emotional bond. Not to say emotional, could be personality, so yes, that too doesn't experience attraction even after bonding. Yeah, there's um that's so weird. As somebody that does it, it's like, yes, that actually happens. It's like sexual attraction, even though like the number of times actual sex happens is pretty regular with a partner. I will say the sexual attraction doesn't really go up. That's just very strange. It's just a thing. Find sexual activity and enjoyable or connective act that helps them bond with their partners. Yes, partner bonding, mating, all those different things. When you start talking about bonding and mating, that makes me go into primal mode, and that is a hundred percent a thing. I love being able to um be that for a partner when they enjoy it so much, and the look on their face and the orgasms that are had, it's like, yes, all of that. And then I just sit back and I get to watch it and enjoy it all. It's great. So connecting and bonding and mating practices. Um, even though we no kids are being had, it's like the fake baby making, we're practicing for nothing. Uh, like a like a the person that plays sports on the weekends, an Irmiral league. That's right. We ain't gonna win no championships, but we're gonna practice like we do. Uh making mapping your identity and boundaries. First of all, that all starts with self-awareness. I tell you what, if somebody had figured all this stuff out late, pretty much, pretty much in their 40s, as far as like a spectrum stuff and just queer stuff in general. Uh being aware of that it was a thing was definitely it, and then also learning the definition of queer, finally understanding what the difference between queer and everything else was is like, uh, yeah, that's a thing, been that way for a while. And it took me a couple years from knowing what the definition was to understand, like, oh, oh, oh, yeah, all those things, all this time. Oh, god. Okay, it helps to clarify your identity limits and flexibility so you can communicate them clearly. I still have not gone to the communicate clearly part. I've identified, but there's a there's a little gap there. There's like, oh, once you identify, then you can communicate clearly. No, fuck that up too. This is why I have a podcast when I'm practicing to communicate it with people in real life. Thank you for listening and downloading to Around the Kinky Campfire. Uh start by exploring a spectrum labels. Yep, definitely did that. Uh learning the language that fits you often makes boundary setting easier and less stressful. Often. I love that they put often on there because it still doesn't make it any easier, really. Setting boundaries, learning that you that you had boundaries is like, oh, that was a boundary, especially in the previous relationship that ended badly because you didn't establish your boundaries. And then going into a new relationship and practicing that whole act of having boundaries and then enforcing the boundaries is like, oh God, it's not easy. Still not easy. Has nothing to do with your partner either. They could be a great person, and it's still like I hate it. Uh, many aces find these labels reduce anxiety and make conversations about sex and romance clearer and less awkward down the road. Uh

When Sex Happens Without The Drive

SPEAKER_00 18:19

uh, I will say less awkward will always be awkward, but less of it, sure. There will be some percentage of awkward, especially when it comes to um, and I'll say this just for myself, but I'm speaking for all asexuals on this podcast, because I'm the only one here right now. It'll always be awkward. Fucking it sucks so bad. Okay. Hopefully, there are some allosexual people or people that just did not know about ace stuff and they listen to this podcast, and hopefully you learn something. It sucks uh for this crap, but your brain does what your brain does. Uh, checklist for mapping your identity and boundaries. Number one, define what physical and emotional intimacy means for you. Of course, we hear it around the kinky campfire. Like to learn all about labels and defining all the different things as part of the negotiation process. Should be doing that often, and also updating your definitions and uh labels as well, because there's always new words out there, and then there are always people that have different definitions for the same exact word. Let's get all on the same page and stop making those fucking assumptions. Note personal non-negotiables. For example, I don't want penetrative sex. See, and that's the that's the uh crazy part for me, especially, because like if I have intimacy correction, use all my holes. I don't give a fuck, especially with a good connection with a partner. It's all yours for the ticket. Here you go. Reflect on libido and comfort level, high, low, or flexible. And I'm pretty sure they mean like the regular version of libido, but for me, libido is just motivation energy in general, the youngin definition of it. So I would say, like, yeah, there's um sexual libido, but for me it's still motivational. It's like, how much do I want to do? Because especially with the kinky stuff, too, as the dominant, you have to do all the do all the things while your bottom gets to lay there and just take it all. And it's like, okay, so I have to have the motivation for that too. And having an intimate connection with a partner helps with that. If I don't if I don't feel that, I'm not doing kink stuff either. So it's very much tied in together for me. Write these preferences down before updating your dating profile. Uh sure. I mean, yes, you should. Uh revisit your notes after experiences, identities, and comfort zones can and do evolve. Uh, yeah, so definitely do a check-in with yourself uh and then uh update your list if need be. A lot of us are inexperienced. It's like, how do I do that? It's like you gotta do it. That's that's how you do it. That's the answer to the question. How do I you just you go do it, you find somebody that consensually wants to do it with you, and you go try it out. If that person doesn't want to do it, then stop doing with that person. That is not consensual at that point. Scheduling regular relationship check-ins, intentional conversations to review how things feel emotionally and physically. Yes, you should always be checking in. Once again, Julius is a very big proponent of always negotiating. Everything can be negotiated, and you should be negotiating renegotiating on a regular basis. Yes, check-ins as well. Think of them as little pauses to recalibrate consent, needs, and reset expectations, and once again, renegotiate. Okay, help partners stay aligned as desires evolve. It's 100% a thing. Try scheduling the monthly, I say as needed, uh, because you know there's probably like a set time the longest time you would want to do that. Um so you know, three months, six months, whatever it is for you. But this should you should do it on a regular basis. But um, have a timer set, schedule an event on your calendar or something. Don't go too long without that. A year is way too long. That's ridiculous. Okay, try

Boundaries And Regular Consent Check-Ins

SPEAKER_00 21:54

schedule. Yeah, okay. Emotional needs. Let's see what's working, what's missing, physical needs, physical boundaries, any changes or new limits, hard limits, soft limits, yada yada yada. Future plans, what do we want to explore next? Oh, that's always good. Hypotheticals, keep notes to revisit your yes, no, maybe list together as living agreements. Living because they are ever changing. Let's remember that. People change again. I'm not the same person I was yesterday. Shit, 30 minutes ago. Thirty minutes ago, I wasn't talking to y'all here. Asexuality does not equal absence of sexuality. I need to put that on a shirt. Okay. Many people aren't even aware that a person can be asexual or that asexuality exists on the spectrum like all other orientations. That's why we're here today. And this is why I'm ending on this, because people do not understand that. Does not mean a lack of sexuality. Just because I'm asexual, that's not how that works. Still find it enjoyable, bonding. Asexual people can also have sexual libido, a desire to masturbate. Uh that sucks. Fucking sucks. And watch and enjoy porn, experiment in sexual kinks, engage in romantic relationships, and yes, even have sex. Fucking masturbating things. Stupid body doesn't ever want to listen. It's just a chore at this point. Get the evil, evil juices out. This lack of educ protect the prostate. How about that? Uh, this lack of education and understanding can negatively impact people who are asexual but don't know don't know it. Yeah, I was one of those people. In my twenties, uh, don't consider that people who have an aversion to sex can still participate within the sex positive movement or be part of a community. Yes, we can. I'll sit right there in the middle of the orgy once again and be happy. Sexuality is fluid, it isn't rigid or binary state of existence. Not it like just an on and off switch. Okay, people, not just an on and off switch. Okay, that's it for now. Asexuality does not mean a lack of sexualness, is okay? Once y'all don't understand this, I'll be talking about this for many times. I feel like I'm gonna touch in this subject at least every other month or something like that, because I'm not the only one. I'm out here for you two, my fellow A spec people that still like to go to the orgies again. We here, we enjoy it as well. Just because if you have a conversation, you might get to do something. That's what people don't understand. Just have a conversation first. Don't be just like groping and like nah, like, especially physical comments, don't do shit. I don't give a fuck about that shit. Sure, I got big arms or hair. That doesn't do anything, that's not gonna get you closer here. That's not that's not flirting, it doesn't work. Just like check to see what side of the spectrum I'm on first. Have a good conversation. You don't know how your world's gonna get rocked. Yo, wow. Okay, that's it for now. This is Julius Marquis, your uh understanding host, because this is the acepect episode, of course. Uh catch the uh audio version of Around the Kiki Campfire, Thursdays, video on Fridays on YouTube, and I'll catch you next time. That's it for now, yo. Hello.