How To Go To Social Events Alone Without Feeling Weird | S5 EP133

Showing up alone can feel like the loudest thing you’ll do all week, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster or a mystery. We get real about being single at social events, from totally vanilla nights out to kink, BDSM, and swinger meetups, and why going solo can actually bring you more connection, not less. If your brain loves to catastrophize and tell you you’ll be the “weird one,” you’re going to feel seen here. 

We break down the awkward parts people don’t always say out loud: the fear of being judged, the stress of walking into an established group, and the very real issue of unwanted romantic attention. Then we shift into practical tools you can use immediately, like setting a timer for 10 minutes, aiming for five quick hellos, or even letting “I made it to the parking lot” count as success. We also talk about boundaries, consent, and simple safety habits like check-ins, especially if you’re new in town or just want extra peace of mind. 

For lifestyle spaces, we zoom in on culture and policies, why it helps to observe before jumping in, and how good communities filter out creepy behavior. We also cover planning for bigger events like cruises, resort takeovers, conventions, and meet-and-greets, including how to find community ahead of time through Facebook groups, Discord, FetLife, and other social platforms. One of the best introvert-friendly hacks we share is volunteering, because it gives you a role and built-in conversation starters. 

If you want more confidence going out alone, press play, try one small experiment, and tell us what worked. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs a nudge, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Source material - 

https://www.skipthesmalltalk.com/blog/out-alone

https://www.kinkycruise.com/post/single-in-the-lifestyle-can-i-go-to-hedonism-and-spicy-cruises-alone

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Welcome And ASMR Sip

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome back everybody. This is another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is your host, Julius Marquise, the exquisite one. Ha ha no incredulous. Infamous. I don't know. I'll go down to infamy. I did something wrong somewhere, and somebody's probably gonna catch me for it. But today I have another topic for you. Today, I am going to talk about something, but before we get into that, this is around the Kiki Campfire, and I'm the host, Julius Marquise, officially H H Julius, or just Julius, if you feel any less fancy. I'm here for you to talk about certain things. And before we get into that, though, we have everybody's favorite time, and that is the ASMR 5 seconds. Because we've gone down from an ASR minute to ASMR 5 seconds. I am drinking unsponsored the sparkling ice caffeine black raspberry favor. Zero sugar, 7 milligram, 7, 70 milligrams of caffeine, and the ASMR 5 seconds will start in 3, 2, 1. Oh man, I don't think I lasted even three minutes, three seconds there. I don't know. I gotta check to see. We are recording. Yes, we are recording. Okay. I just had to check that. Okay. Yeah, that was really cold. Alright. We'll see how that goes. Okay. Today's topic, before we run out of time, because once again we will run out of time, and once again, I will have the uh source material linked in the description. First uh thing we're talking about today is being single at social events. We are all those awkward people. Can you do it? Okay, so I got this inspiration, and you'll see in the source material from an article uh about being single on a crew on a kiki cruise, because we are on there or a swingers cruise, because we are those type of people that like to do these things. Uh, if you don't know, this is an alternative lifestyle podcast. So you saw the disclaimer is 18 plus. This is an adult podcast. So the stuff we talk about here gets a little spicy. And I just want you to know that I am here for you as your kink communicator, uh, relationship uh coach-ish and um all-around queer,

Being Single At Social Events

SPEAKER_00 2:20

non-monogamous and BSM lifestyle person. Yes, the stuff gets spicy, but it doesn't have to just relate to the spicy events, it could just be a regular social event. I know for me, I go to a lot of vanilla social events as well, and a lot of times I'm single, just go check it out and make friends. And the answer is yes, even at a spicy event, just like a vanilla social event, you can be by yourself. And if it's like a spicy cruise or just like a takeover of a certain place in Jamaica during a certain time of year, you can be single as well. Now, it was articles definitely focused more towards single women that were assigned women at birth, female at birth. And uh, I'll have to say, even as uh somebody is assigned male at birth, this stuff can happen as well. And I'm just gonna break this down for everybody, hopefully make it more queer focused. But I just like to say, even if I go downtown to certain places in Central Florida by myself, as a presenting mail, yeah, you will get talked to a lot more than when you're in a group. So I just want to inject that in here as well. So it doesn't have to be like a social event itself, you can just go into a place to a place where there's a bunch of people, bar, club, whatever, and being more um socially available because you're single will get you more social interactions. So I just want to say that for myself. There are times when I didn't know anybody here, and I would just go out by myself and just end up talking to random people. Now then they always become friends or whatever, but I did talk to them, and it was like, cool, I got way more interaction than if I even went with a partner or something. I don't know, maybe it's just I was more accepting of interaction or whatever is because I was single, but a lot more people, random people talk to me. Uh don't know what their intentions were. Could have been something else that I was not aware of, but they were more friendly. I'll say that right there. So there, you can be single there or at a social event. I've done lots of both, and I will say that you will get more attention. My argument is you'll get more attention being uh single, and I have an article to kind of back me up there. Uh let's see. And I'll say, as a socially awkward person, just like the per the person, uh the author of this particular um article, that introverts have to brute force our way in there. Yes, I'm right there with you, and it kind of sucks because there's a lot of anxiety, and you know, your brain likes to catastrophize and make it seem like the worst thing is gonna happen is going somewhere single because you'll just be the weird person standing out. I will say with confidence, and I'll even reiterate it with the article that everybody else, not everybody else, a lot of people have the same uh viewpoints and feelings that you do. I'll say that right now. So you're not gonna be all alone in this entire feeling of feeling awkward going somewhere by yourself. There's a lot of different struggles out there, and a lot of different reasons for those struggles, and I'll

Awkwardness Anxiety And Attention

SPEAKER_00 5:12

just say a lot of people have the same similarities. So if you go on, I will bet money that you go somewhere, there's gonna be at least one other person that feels the same way, exactly the same way you do. Go be friends with that person. Uh let's see, often unconscious belief that you need someone with you, or you can only justify doing something to fun if it's for someone else. The people you're trying to connect with will judge or judge you or think you're weird for being out, not actually wanting to go out alone, anticipating unwanted romantic attention. So, yes, you just don't want to go somewhere by yourself. I understand, like when you have a friend or a partner with you, it makes a lot of things uh more enjoyable. I do have friends that travel solo, like internationally. So, you know, that that's a miss not a mistake, an assumption that people make that's incorrect a lot of the times that you can't do it by yourself or it's like really scary. But if you're going to somewhere, there's going to be another solo person there, I guarantee it, especially if it's somewhat of a uh popular place. Now, I will not say not so much of like parties. I will house parties, probably public spaces where there's parties, maybe so. And I'm talking about those kind of parties. Um, maybe not so much, but they they will be there. There are certain places that do like gender-based pricing, so it's a little bit easier that way, because then at least then you'll have like a monitor or some kind of security that'll be there to look out for you if you're one of those people that um is smaller in stature. I'll just say that. Um, the unwanted uh romantic attention, I will say, as somebody that presents mail most of the time, that does happen as well, and I'm still not used to that. Just telling people no, that's still rough. So that actually prevents me from going some places as well, because it's just like I don't want to deal with that. So I will say that all the different genders have that same kind of issue and they still have that same kind of awkwardness when it comes to uh rejecting people, especially when you just first met them. Why is that so difficult? Uh just met you. Why is it so hard to tell you no? Get you keep your hands to yourself. Okay, let's see here. Let's break out some um helpful stuff here. Each of these things could be their own essay, but here are some quick anecdotes. Uh antidotes. Antidotes. Oh, I thought that said anecdotes. This says antidotes. Okay. Let's see. First of all, beliefs like this can take a long time to shift completely. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That is true. Can I just uh try for one event a few hours and see what happens? Okay. Um, so yeah, once again, these are social skills. You need to work on these things. It's not gonna be a quick fix, could take years. And guess what, campsters? I'm right there with you, still working on it. Decades in the works and still working on it. Gotta do those little things every now and then to work up onto it. I will say what it's been decades, but I've been taking breaks now and then, you know, there was a certain um time where we weren't

Baby Steps That Actually Count

SPEAKER_00 7:55

allowed to go out, so that didn't help at all. So that kind of just leaned myself into the introvert uh activities, and it's like, oop, yep. Still trying to fix that those kind of things and uh still working on it. Um, yeah, and so just try to go not even a few hours, ten minutes. I will say, um, when I first was working on the social skills again, 10 minutes. I just went and I was like, let me see if I can just stay for 10 minutes, see how that works, um, and see if I can um even last that long set a timer on your phone or just um have your clock out or watch or whatever, and um just chill, say hi to a few people, and you can do that as well. Say talk to like ten people, five people, ten people is a lot of people, and talk to five people and see if they uh are don't even have to be interested in you just say hi, my name is so-and-so, and I'm here, and I just want to get out of the house. Do that, set a timer or just do uh a number of interactions. That's all you gotta do. Then you can just go home. That could be a success. That could be just something that you did that night. That's it. I've done that before. I had it like 30 minutes, uh maybe an hour. Yeah, an hour. I did start out at five, but then eventually, you know, once I started getting warmed up again, it was like an hour. I get uh maybe like one drink, if that's what the uh if you're allowed to do that there, and then I would go and um try to talk to a few people, and then at one hour I'd be like, you know what? It's time for me to go. Some people just make it to the parking lot. That's an accomplishment right there. So congrats to you if you made it to the parking lot. Just you got out the house. Well, first of all, you got ready. You weren't just naked going out there, not yet, anyways. And you got in your car and you drove to the place and you sat on the parking lot for like five, ten minutes. That's an accomplishment. A lot of people don't even make it out of their car, and that's something right there, okay? So if you're one of those people and you just made it to the parking lot, that's mission accomplished. Now, give it a few times, you can make it like 10, 20 times if you wanted to, and then make it out of your car. At least get to the front door. That's enough right there, especially if it's a public place. Nobody knows what you're there for. So go um make it to the front door. There were times I would see the group over there, and I'm like, okay, those look like the people, but guess what? I'm gonna go home and then maybe go get some food on the way home and go back home. Baby steps, people, baby steps. We ain't gotta jump right up in there and be the most sociable person out there right off the bat. Okay, people won't even register that you're out alone. Yep, yep, yep. So we're talking about specifically a social event. People not even gonna know that you're part of the social event at all unless you look like you're looking for the group. So um, in both cases, you can just go walk by, do a little cruise by. I've done a little um uh the drive fly by like the plane does. We just fly past the tower, just like zoom past the tower, and then anybody seen um uh uh Top Gun, you know what I'm saying? Just going past the tower and blow the speakers out, whatever. Anyways, I acted like I was an airplane, just zoom, and then go right past the group, like make a little face, hey, and then that's it. Just kind of walk on by and go back home. And if you're just out by yourself, um just hang this, you know, go out by yourself, and nobody knows that you're by yourself, and then also like, especially in like um lifestyle events, um, whether it be like swinger or a kink thing, most people just don't know you're gonna be by yourself. You could just be like um looking like I will say that that is kind of strange. Like when I see somebody by themselves at the event, I don't always assume that they're by themselves, like they have a partner waiting for them or something like that. You have to say, hey, I'm here by myself, and then you could also talk to the leaders and they'll let you uh introduce you to people, probably the more inner um extroverted people that are not creepy, they'll be like, Oh, go hang out with them because they're not they're not weird and they're extroverts, and they'll help you like meet other people, or they'll introduce you to a bunch of different people. But yeah, uh, that is interesting. Yeah, the article says that, and I didn't even think of that. But yeah, most of the time when you see people, you don't assume that they're by themselves, so you could be just like undercover laying low, and nobody will even know. Uh, let's see. Uh let's see, it and then, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like I said, that could um saying that you're by yourself, they'd be like, Hey, I'm so so it's my first time here, or I've always wanted to come here, but I'm by myself, I just want to come check it out. And then usually my oh, usually people are like, Oh, yeah, here you go. Come on in, and we'll show you around, introduce you, come sit over here. We're those kind of we're um we have space for you, they'll open up a seat for you and that kind of thing. So that yeah, man. A lot of that stuff is very helpful when you go to a social event. Um, and that's been like that's a thing that pops up more, whatever world you want to be in. So, like I said, even for vanilla people, there are a lot of social events, and um we have meet and greets in the lifestyle world, uh, usually to get vetted. So if you want to go into the extra spicy places, then usually you have a meet and greet uh or a munch or a slosh, whatever it is, where you can go in and um uh get to know everybody before you get to know them. Freedom to do exactly what you want without a companion. I will say that is a great benefit. Let's see, I I really like my partners. So it's not a shot to them, but sometimes it's just fun going out by yourself and not have anybody to deal with. That sounds terrible. Not have to have anybody to worry about, that's not any better. That's not any better way to say that. Being by yourself to your own devices, let's just you know what? I'm a selfish person. How about that? I just like to do what I want to do and leave, go and leave whenever I want, and I gotta take care of nothing else. I will say that is the nice thing about solo poly-ishness, polyness, is sometimes you just get to go out by yourself because you don't have a nesting partner. And it's like, I'm gonna do that. So you just go out and just meet people, you just chillin' ain't gotta worry about if somebody else is hungry or tired or thirsty. It's like if you if you want to get something to eat, you go get something to eat. You can eat whatever you want and drink whatever you want, and then you can just leave whenever you want, and like I'm gonna go somewhere else now because I did a thing, I'm a little bit more energized than I thought, and uh I can do that because I'm by myself. So I kind of push for going out solo sometimes. Let's just say that. No shots to anybody whatsoever. Uh oh, yeah, and if you are the person that is smaller body, probably uh want to do like a safe call or something, uh safe message just to let everybody know that you're out there by yourself. If you are like a new person to a city, maybe you can set that up online ahead of time. Um, I'm just gonna live in my privilege here and not and uh say that I not didn't have to deal with that a whole lot. Um, but yeah, it would be nice to have somebody like, hey, I'm safe and I made it okay just to be able to say that. Doesn't always happen, but yeah, that's it that's something that um you should keep in mind if you are a smaller statured person. Okay, strategy time. Three strategies for going out to social events without feeling awkward. Uh start with what seems less challenging with you personally. So, like I said, go out to the parking lot and then go home. That's all you have to do the first few times if it's hard for you to get out. Uh, and you know, hopefully that's less intimidating than actually going to meet the group. Totally fine to go to the place, either go to the parking lot or just go inside, make a lap, and then leave. I've done that myself. Make it an experiment. So for the nerds out there, you can count the times. So, like, I went to the park went to the park, I went to the parking lot ten times. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check. I went in and made a lap. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check. Yeah, that's totally a thing you can

Three Simple Going Solo Strategies

SPEAKER_00 15:45

do. I like, I like it because you metrics and making note of this. Okay, I did this 10 times already. Wow, it doesn't even seem like that. And then at that point, it's almost like you want to push yourself to move further as you get closer to that magic number, whatever it is, and then that kind of motivates you. So it's a motivation thing if you want to be a nerd about it and keep metrics and experiment. Experimenting is great. Um, fantastic opportunity to be observer, so you can just go be one of those creepers. I'm not saying I've done that, but I'm not saying I haven't done it. Where I went to the place and I sat across the bar, restaurant, club, whatever it was, and just watched the group interact. I'm not saying I haven't done that. Uh, you know, just go out there and just chill and and just watch people people. That's that's totally a thing to do, especially if you're just going out randomly, not even to an event. If you're just going out by yourself, and um that's something you do, is where you uh just go and hang out and talk to people. That's something that that's a thing. You can just observe, see how that goes. That's totally a thing, totally acceptable. Uh, and then once you actually get into the group, um, be interested and not interesting. So people I mean, people like to talk about themselves. Uh, you don't have to be the one doing all the talking. So, especially if you're one of those people that just um doesn't like to talk a lot and or just doesn't think they have something to say, you can just ask questions, be inquisitive. You literally know nothing about these people if this is your first time, except for they like to go out and be awkward in social groups as well, or spicy people, ask them a million questions. No, don't rapid fire it though. That's what turns into an interview, but just you literally know nothing about that person, just be interested. How do they even get there? That's always a good question to start with. How did you get here? Um, so yeah, just be interested more than interesting. Don't try to be interesting, that doesn't really end up working, but be curious about people. That's very um something that a lot of people like. Um, yeah, so ask questions. Okay, now let's go specifically to lifestyle events. That was more generic, but we will talk more about lifestyle events as I run out of time here. Okay, so we have more options than you think. Doesn't mean you have to stay at home if you're single and by yourself. Uh you don't need a partner. We already, yep, every event is different. So I will say when it comes to spicy events, yes, there are spicy activities, um, may or maybe not nudity that I can't uh again that is up to your comfort level if you want to be nude or not. But um I will say that especially so gender specifics. Boy, oh boy, if you present as male,

Singles In Kink And Swinger Spaces

SPEAKER_00 18:33

there's a little bit more ostracization going on. But if you are not a creeper, an all-around just genuine, jolly person, you will be more accepted that way. Now, um I can't really comment on the gender-based pricing events because those things happen a little bit differently, and you'll see from the prices the scale of what is what happens. So there's that. And then there's also just the regular events. Just in my experience, in these different worlds, there's just a lot more single men than there is women. I'll just put it that way. And we're even in the queer stuff, there are cisgender people, let's just say that, more so than there are non-cisgender people, and a lot of them usually are single males. So it's just how it is, okay? So I'm not gonna pass over that point, make it over some land. Alright, but if you find yourself a good group, they're really good at filtering out the keepers. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't women presenting creepers, there are those. I'm not saying they're not queer creepers. I'm just saying, in my experience, tends to lean a certain way. So, I will speak for the single male out there, because I was I'm one of them in the past, present, and probably in the future. Most some some of the time in the present and in the past. Let's just say I've been that now. Y'all see me, right? If you are uh watching the video on Friday, hopefully, you will have you'll see me. I'm not a small person, and I have a certain skin tone. There comes a lot of preconceptions and stereotypes with that. So I will say, from my point of view, definitely have to be a jolly type person, or people will be watching you kind of crazy. Um even in the spicy places, and there are certain fetishes for people that present as me that a lot of people uh enjoy. So there are a lot of preconceptions in there. Talking about that unwanted social advances, that's something that you know rejection happens. So I will say, know your boundaries and your limits. Whoever you are, talking for everybody, that stuff is gonna happen, people are gonna have preconceptions basing it off a book, basing off the book cover, you know, judging a book by its cover, that whole entire deal. So, yeah, every event is different. I just want that to be aware on here as far as I'm talking, as I'm running out of time. Okay, let's see. Uh understanding the culture and policies, I will say, uh being somebody that has a lot of preconceptions placed on them un involuntarily, knowing what the rules are before going in is very important. So if you just want to go and chill, so you're doing going back to experimenting, you're checking off all your metrics, got out the car, got to the parking lot, done, did that 10 times, made into the place 10 times. Finally, you start talking to people in the event. I will say just observe. Observe people being people and see what the unwritten rules are of the whole entire thing. I will take tell you that right now. I usually wait like 10 20 events before I really put myself out there, just so I know what all the rules are, and every group has drama. That's just how it is. Then it's just something you can do. Um yeah. Uh

Rules Culture And Avoiding Drama

SPEAKER_00 21:58

that's the I can't really speak on everybody's thing, but I will just say in general, there's gonna be drama, and avoiding that drama is probably beneficial to your lifetime, life, life force HP in that group, whatever you want to talk, the however you want to put it, your career in that group. Um, let's see, choosing the right event, understanding the policies for singles, and taking advantage uh of the situation is 100% a thing. And then the article speaks specifically about their events. So I just wanted to make it more generalized, but definitely check out the source material if you want to know uh about their uh events. It's talking about concations, they have a takeover at hedonism too, and also cruises. Uh, very specific and very helpful article. I've not seen another event organization do this. Not that I was looking very hard, but I like how the article was broken down in order to be a single person and take advantage of all the different things. I will say that it was very much pointed out that it's harder on a cruise uh to go single because of the room situation. Uh, it's easier when you are at a resort than it is on a cruise ship because there's not often single bookings. There are, and I'm not talking about just the spicy events, but there are cruises where you can be a single person and go on the cruise and not have to be with a roommate. Sometimes you might have to pay for a you know a double booking room because they're minimum two people, so you have to pay for both if you wanted to do that. Totally something you can do. Um, but I will say there are singles cruises out there as well, just for um non-spicy events. Uh, but you can, they say, book with a with a couple, which is kind of crazy um as a single person, but you can do that. Uh not crazy, like insane, crazy, just like for me as an introvert, I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna be rooming with people that I don't even know. That's scary. Uh, okay. Uh let's see, how do you find friends and and andor roommates, depending on where you're trying to go, uh in general? Register early. Make sure that you get onto the social groups ahead of time. I'll say Discord and Facebook is amazing for that. There's a certain um, for example, there's a certain um convention that happens in September here. It's called Smut Lovers. It's a smut book convention. They are have a Facebook group. If you are trying to go there for the first time, you don't know anywhere where you're a single, a couple or otherwise. You can jump on that Facebook group and make friends before you get there. And I will be there. And you can come talk to me if you're listening to this and you're going there, come talk to Julius. I am the volunteer coordinator. I will be there, and you will definitely know who I am there. Stick out, just saying, and come say hello.

Cruises Resorts And Finding Roommates

SPEAKER_00 24:37

I'll be doing things for uh social interactions, uh, icebreakers and such and such. So, yeah, make sure you check out the uh Facebook, the Discords, and also if they have a FetLife page, check those out as well. Um, and then you can go out even further to different groups. Um, I know the swingers groups definitely have like SLS and SDC. Uh kinky groups mostly have Facebook. No, mostly have FetLife and then second is usually a Facebook page, and then uh um maybe they'll have a Discord or something or another page uh along with that. Uh okay, so I have one at a time. Um make sure you hit up all, like I said, the icebreakers, social gatherings, workshops, theme nights. Um, there's different excursions. So if we're talking about conventions um and takeovers, whatever those are, there's usually like meetup groups. Make sure you go to those meetup groups. Hopefully, they have some before the convention that you can join, like a web call or a Zoom call or something like that. And then when you get there, try to um do a meet and greet when you get there as well. Uh, let's see here. Definitely all good things, and then oh, yeah, definitely volunteer as somebody that volunteers for all the different things because I will be volunteering for some of the events I talked about. Definitely want to volunteer on the cruise, that'd be great. Uh, that is another way I know I need it. So the reason why I talk about it so much is Julius is an introvert, and I need those enforced social interactions. How more force can you get? Forced can you get if you have to be the one answering the questions about where everything is going? So, one of the ships I take is the person that answers the question of where such and such class is and points people in the direction because guess what? People get lost, that is guaranteed, and they have to ask somebody if you have one of the volunteer shirts on and you're in a position to be asked questions, then you have to do social interactions. Okay, that's pretty much it.

Volunteering Plus Closing Q And A

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Uh okay, so yeah, definitely hit up those things. And I've run out of time, but I think you guys got the gist of that. I got through most of the information with the time I have as I go over. All right, but of course, if you have more questions, hit me up on the emails, the social medias, send me a note. I'll definitely answer questions here on the podcast or just individually. I would love to do an episode where I just answer fans' questions. That'd be a goal at some point in time. But until then, this is Around the Kiki Campfire, and I am Julius Marquise. H H Julius, or just Julius if you're feeling less fancy. Hopefully, you're listening to the audio on Thursday around noon Eastern and you're watching the videos and around Friday, noon Eastern. Hopefully. Let me know what you think. I'll talk to you later. That's it for now.

unknown 27:11

Hello.