A Clear Intro To Non-Monogamy Without The Myths | S5 EP128

Non-monogamy gets talked about like it is either a cheat code for relationships or a guaranteed disaster, and both takes miss the point. We sit down by the campfire and give a clear, no-fluff intro to consensual non-monogamy, including polyamory, open relationships, and the mindset shift that comes with admitting one person cannot meet every need for every season of your life. We also say the quiet part out loud: consent is not optional, and yes, you can still cheat in non-monogamy when you hide, lie, or break agreements.

From there we dig into the emotional side that people rarely prepare for. We challenge the reflex to label every hard feeling as jealousy, and we talk about how unmet needs, insecurity, and bad partner behavior can masquerade as “jealousy problems.” We unpack why trying to control your partner backfires, what you can actually control, and why communication feels terrifying when the real fear is rejection. If boundaries have been hard for you, we connect that to identity, people pleasing, and the uncomfortable reality that you sometimes learn a boundary only after something hurts.

We also clear up some common non-monogamy myths: compersion is not required, constant happiness is not the goal, and you do not owe anyone a performance of being “cool.” We talk metamours, privacy, and negotiating how much information you want to hear about other dates. Then we bring it down to earth with the logistics that shape every relationship: time, distance, money, mental energy, and the fact that love may feel infinite but your resources are not. If you are curious about ethical non-monogamy, this is a practical starting point for doing your own research and making choices that fit your real life.

Subscribe for new episodes, share this with a friend who needs a more honest take on non-monogamy, and leave a review if the conversation helped. What part of non-monogamy do you want us to go deeper on next?

Source material - https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/thirteen-things-i-wish-id-learned-before-choosing-non-monogamy/

https://www.npr.org/2023/09/28/1196977813/what-to-know-if-youre-exploring-non-monogamy

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Welcome, ASMR, And Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome back everybody to another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is your host, Julius Marquise, aka H H Julius, if you're feeling less fancy or just Julius that works too. And I have another episode here for you with a lot another enlightening topic. Enlighten enlightened topic. Another topic for you. It is related to the alternative lifestyles. That's what we do here at Around the Kiki Campfire. And before we begin, uh campsers know it is the ASMR. Like two seconds now. I have another beverage that is not sponsored. Adult beverage. Nope. It's uh for grown-ups, something like that. Um, yeah, YouTube, get it get out of here. Um, and you'll know that it's not sponsored. It rhymes with Tequila. Once again, it has uh carbonated stuff in there, not carbonated stuff, and a little bit of ice. So we'll see how cold it is. Alright, let's start the ASMR and three, two, one. Oh, it was a little bit longer than last time. Oh, but it's still cold. Oh boy. Okay. Oh man, that's cold. Okay, here we go. We're gonna jump into this topic, and it's one topic that we know very well here on uh around the King Campfire, and it is non-monogamy. Okay, this will be structured as intro to non-monogamy, and this is another class I plan on teaching, so y'all will get a little snippet here before I run out of time because of course I have so much information to go through and not a whole lot of time. But I implore you, camsters and newbies alike, to do your own research. I present to you facts along with my opinions and experiences. But once again, do not just go off of what I say. Go ahead and do your own research, and hopefully, you will learn about yourself as well. I'm not here to debate, so this is not a pro or against non-monogamy. You're just hopefully here to enlighten you all people to help hopefully figure out what you like in your relationship orientations. Okay? Um, I pres it's an intro class, so I'm not just gonna teach you about non-monogamy. I'm gonna let you know what you're gonna be getting yourself into and stuff to consider in the meantime, okay? Alright, so a lot of people like to say consensual or ethical non-monogamy, which is just stupid, because we wouldn't say consensual ethical monogamy. Hopefully, you're doing it with consent and everybody knows what's going on and agrees to it. That is the biggest thing we were talking about relationships. If you're not being consensual and everybody participating doesn't know what you're doing, that's called cheating, people. Yes, you can cheat in non-monogamy. So don't be one of those people who's like, can you cheat? Yes, you can. If they ask that question enthusiastically, say yes. Now, what the thing is in non-monogamy is that those of us that participate in the lifestyle, yes, it is a lifestyle and an orientation, I would argue. So, as far as I'm concerned, you're kind of born monogamous or non-monogamous.

What Non-Monogamy Is And Is Not

SPEAKER_00 3:10

You can practice either one, you go ahead and try it out, like you do your sexual orientation. You can try stuff out, see if it fits you or not. Welcome newbies and um experienced people alike into the world of non-monogamy. But we believe that one person cannot check all your relationship boxes. That is 100% something that is not possible. So those of us that participate in non-monogamy have multiple partners because there's a myriad of reasons that you could have a partner for, and uh doesn't all have to be one person. May seek out variables like sexual attraction, romance, parenting, and lifestyle among different partners. So, like I just said, does it have to be just one thing? And a lot of people have to relate it to sex, as this is why non-monogamous people get into this situation situations, and that is not true, not just sexual. I am on a spectrum, so not all my partnerships are sexual in nature, and that is not even my motivation to in getting in a relationship. That's just an added benefit, icing on the cake type situation. A person might have one partner that they co-parent with, yeah, that's another thing. Another who helps them explore their sexuality, and a third who simply shares the interest in in rock climbing. That is what this article says. Hopefully, I put the remember to put the source material in the descriptions of the podcast and on the YouTube channel. Somebody remind me if I don't. Okay, so that's what you're getting yourself into. There's a there's a myriad of reasons, and um not all of them are sexual in nature. Uh non-monogamy, not super well known, and uh a lot of people, especially the those people. There's a lot of people out there like to make fun of it and um cast judgment when they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. So we are here today to remove those um ign ignorance, give those people more information as to what they're talking about, and to people that are interested in trying this out. Uh, I'm going to tell you in this episode some of the best ways to do that. Not just the best ways, some of the best ways. Once again, do your own goddamn research. Okay, so one of the people that I pulled the uh source material from, is it their name is Lola Phoenix. Uh, and the article was in uh October of 2016, so this is uh about 10 years old now, and still pretty damn relevant. So feel free to uh read the whole entire article yourself. I like their opinions and what they say, so I'm very much um related, relation, feeling, vibing with what they are talking about, especially the little anecdotes that they put in. It's like, yeah, me too, buddy, me too. I feel you right here, right here. Oh man, such good stuff. Okay, let's start off here. Every negative feeling you have isn't jealousy. How about that? Shocker, not all related to jealousy when we're talking about non-monogamy and even monogamy. You could implode your own relationship by trying to control your partner's every move when it becomes your personal mission. So you cannot control somebody's actions, okay? You can't even control their reactions. You can control yours, you can control your reactions, can't control your emotions. That's not a thing. So I wish people would stop trying to do that. You can't control your emotions, so why are you trying to control uh somebody else's emotions? Not possible. You can control your reactions, that's all you have control over your reactions. That's literally it. And everything I would argue is a reaction rather than an action. There's a reason and motivation for you doing things, and that in itself is called a reaction. Uh negative feelings are sometimes a result of your needs not being met. Yep, not necessarily jealousy. You could just have an asshole as a partner. And that and once again, we are talking about monogamy and non-monogamy. So these things happen in both relationships. Shocker. You're gonna find that a lot happening in this episode right here. It's not so much jealousy or negative feelings that are the problem, it's what you do with them that can make things implode. Ooh, wow, that's so surprising. I'm so surprised,

Jealousy Versus Unmet Needs

SPEAKER_00 7:10

said Julius. No, not no, it's called sarcasm. Okay, confidence can look like compassion. Ooh, not necessarily true. Uh, ability to make you feel special is part of that confidence, but it isn't actual human compassion you're seeing. Can be. Setups where an individual doesn't spend a long time with any one individual but sees them rarely can allow for people who would normally be toxic and difficult to be around, have plenty of functional relationships. So confidence can be masked as compassion. They could actually be an asshole and not care about what you're thinking. So, just to let you know, better do some more research and deep dive in there. Sometimes having more partners than you know what to do with isn't inherently a sign that you're amazing at non-monogamy, and beginners shouldn't assume so. So, even though somebody has a lot of partners, I will say I've made this mistake on both sides early in my non-monogamy journey, specifically polyamory. And um, we're gonna talk about insecurities here in a little bit. But I will say that just because somebody has a lot of partners doesn't necessarily mean they are um confident or knowledgeable or anything like that. So just to let you know, that could be a thing. Okay, communication is hard and terrifying. Whoa, most relationship advice for anyone, regardless of relationship style, often boils down to this talk to your partner. I don't know about y'all, but camsters know that there's a thing called Reddit that I'm on a lot, and a lot of people like to voice their stuff on Reddit, and it's like, Did you talk to your partner? Why are you blasting us out on the internet when you should just be talking to your partner? That's monogamous and nonogamous people as well, just so you know, communication is actually really, really hard, but not for the reasons you would assume. Shocking. Sometimes you have to experience emotional pain before you really understand that you have a boundary or you have a need that isn't being met. Once again, monogamy and non-monogamy. Yeah, establishing boundaries. I will tell you right now, that was very hard for me, especially somebody that does not have an identity. Um, look that up. Uh, having an identity makes it so you don't uh know when you're people pleasing or bending your boundaries or even breaking or moving your boundaries to appease somebody else just because you don't want to ruffle anybody's feathers or you want to avoid uncomfortable situations, conflict, some would say. And uh, yeah, once you figure out your identity, it is a lot easier to one, have boundaries and then establish boundaries, even with people you love, which is very hard because it could be coming in uh in a in the way of a rejection, could be coming your way, I should say, and uh that's very uncomfortable, especially if it's a loved one. So that really sucks. But establish figure out your boundaries and establish them, people. Better way for mental health, better mental health that way. Asking for what you want isn't easy, yep, but admitting to your partner that you have a knee can be an extremely emotionally vulnerable place. Also, hopefully, you're not with an asshole, and they validate your feelings, and then hopefully they will work with you to not necessarily I say negotiate, come to a compromise. That sounds kind of weird, but technically that's what it is. If you've been treated poorly systematically by society or have a history of being abused, it can be really difficult to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with anyone, and sometimes that takes time, which is totally allowable. Give your partner space, especially if you say you care about them, give them space. Good lord, once you don't know what somebody's backstory is. I'll keep saying that. Trying to manipulate situations to get what I really wanted. This is uh Lola here. Well, they're having to ask for it because asking directly for something you need and being told by someone you care for greatly that they refuse to do it, absolutely gut-wrenchingly terrifying. Rejection sucks, especially from a loved one. But then you know they're an asshole. Time to work on it or move on, do something. Uh, the greater the need for any one thing, the less likely you to ask directly for it. Yeah, that um that hill, that wall, that wall of ugly you gotta climb to try to get what you want. And it doesn't come easy and doesn't come fast. Come. It doesn't come easy and it doesn't come fast. It uh it uh it's rough sometimes. Yeah, but if you are with a loved one, you are a relationship with somebody, why is it so hard? Should that be hard? I would argue that's a no, shouldn't be hard if you are in a good relationship for yourself. Now, a lot of people don't mean like I don't want to leave no person, blah blah blah, but it's like sometimes you have to. I would say it's a time commitment uh issue. But if that person is not for you, they're not for you. It might be time to go. Uh, a relationship is not a skill. People feel ashamed that the relationship has failed, they think it's due to their lack of skill, or they are worried it will appear so. Uh yeah, that ego thing, that outward part of yourselves that's out there. People think that uh people will judge them for being out of a relationship. It's like person, you better go. Better get on out of there. If it ain't working for you, don't no shouldn't matter what other people think. If your life is sucking right now because of this relationship, it's time to do something about it. No one wants to start drama or be seen as bad at relationships.

Boundaries, Identity, And Hard Talks

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Yep, ego once again, relationships are partnerships and co-ops. Uh, ending a relationship or having to end it doesn't mean that you're bad at relationships. Skills that can certainly improve like communication and compassion. Less a sign that someone is bad at something, people would people would be less worried about looking like a bad ex. Yeah, because you're uh don't have good relationships. Sometimes the least common denominator, not so much bad at relationships, maybe you just haven't figured yourself out. That's that whole identity type thing. Do some self-work in that case, because then that could be um uh why you're getting into bad relationships. I already argue for myself, the more I worked on myself, the better my relationships got, better the partners I had. I will argue that. That was something I will argue for myself because in my experience, that's what happened. Okay, compersion isn't compulsory, so a lot of times when you look up non-monogamy, you hear the see this word or hear this word called compersion. Is the fact that you are happy that your partner or somebody else you care about is happy, you delight in their happiness. I will say that it is something that happens with people, not with me necessarily. I would I'm I'm not there yet, and that's totally fine. That is not something you have to do if you get into non-monogamy. It's a once again, icing on the cake. If you can get there, you can get there. That's very nice. Oh man, which usually leads to you being friends with your metamers, your partner's partners, which is something else you don't need to do. Okay. Ugh. Hear about your partner having a good date or a good time with somebody, and you're filled with happiness and feel glad for them. That is another version of conversion that I do not have. Best way where you experience conversion, no jealousy, no negative emotions, and never have any problems. Now, I will say that you can not be having conversions and also not necessarily have a negative emotion or jealousy. That's something in there. You can just be cool. Yep. Water off a duck's back, as they say. So I will say, yeah, you don't need to get to conversion. I was I wouldn't say you need to get to a place where you're just cool with everything, it makes it a whole lot mental health for you. I will say that right now. But I'm also one of those people that does not need to know all every everything that's going on with my partner and their partners. That is something I don't need. So if for my mental health and one of my boundaries is less information, I don't need to know all that. That's just something I something I negotiate with partners. The expectation of constant happiness, monogamous people are allowed to be unhappy and that not reflect badly on monogamy necessarily, but non-monogamous people not necessarily so, which is actual bullshit. It's like, you don't think non-monogamous people are unhappy as well? Yeah, you be happy all the time. What about the divorce rate there, people? You know it's more than half. What kind of bullshit is that? Like you can meet unhappy in monogamy, but then if you're unhappy in non-monogamy, then it's like, oh, I should have done monogamy. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Pressure uh to be happy with partners' other relationships and to be friends with minimores may be anxious and unhappy. Yeah, me too. Me too, buddy. Um, that is once again, information sharing. Don't need to know all that. Don't need to know all that. It's not something you need to know. Uh and uh yeah, that's uh, it's infuriating when people make that assumption. It's so stupid. Uh force myself to socially interact with people beyond my personal means. Yeah, yeah. Gross. Yeah, that's uh that's a stupid generalization that you can't be unhappy in non-monogamy. Everybody's unhappy if you're in a relationship, period. Gotta work on that stuff, gotta find out why. Okay. Time and resources are finite. The one thing people say that love is an infinite resource, but time and resources are not. Distance is a thing. I don't know about y'all, but there's this thing called distance, and it is always set. Ain't no place gonna be closer to another place, no matter how much you want to try. If we have a long distance partner and we want to see him more often, but distance is a thing, sorry, that shit ain't gonna change unless they literally pick their butts off and move closer. Only way that shit happens. So, yes, love and emotions can be infinite, but time and distance and other resources are not. Hopefully, you win the lottery, or one of those people that makes a um a invention that makes you millions of dollars, and that way you can just go around willy-nilly and seeing people. I unfortunately am not one of those people, so financial resources are finite for me as well. Uh, careers or the ability to live uh with flexible time options, the money to spend on activities, mental and physical energy to socially react or interact with people without going to a breaking point. Also, what they are talking about here is that your uh energy is finite as well. There's only so much socializing I can do. There's only so much driving I can, even if I have the gas and the time, it's like a two-hour trip gonna be a two-hour trip. Sometimes it ain't I ain't got the two-hour trip in me, and it's uh totally fine as well. So we need to make a note of that when we're getting into relationships. I have a two-hour window of drive time for any kind of partnership.

Compersion Myths And Metamour Pressure

SPEAKER_00 18:11

Outside of that, it's it's too much, that's too far. Going more than two hours, because you need to come back, so that's four hours right there. So you can start getting into the five-hour round trip mark. That's that's too much. Unfortunately, that's a thing. So, yes, emotions are infinite, but remember, there are finite resources out there when you're talking about any relationship, not just monogamy, it's okay to be unhappy. Agreeing to a non-monogamous relationship means agreeing to a relationship structure where any individual you partner with who does not and cannot reasonably spend all of their time with you. So they say non-monogamous in there, but also monogamy is subject to this. Like when you have a job, or you're a doctor when you're like you have a job, like a doctor or a lawyer. They their time is part of their job. So let's not just relegate this to non-monogamy. There are careers that uh keep you from doing that, or even co-parenting situations. You might not necessarily be with the your co-parent anymore, but the child is there, child, the children's, whatever it is, and that takes up time as well. Let's remember that too, people. Not just a non-monogamy thing. Let's see here. Alright, so I'm running out of time. Let's see. Okay, so no human is an island. This is where we talk about co-regulation, society. They put white societies in here in general. Individual as important. We've gone away from the tribe mentality. A lot of people are very individualistic. I'll say myself, I have no idea who my neighbors are. I see them over there. I don't have any idea. Couldn't pick them out of a lineup if I got paid. I will say that. So very much assimilated to that myself. But nobody is an island, and hopefully, you don't treat your partners that way. Co-regulation. Look it up. Should be doing that, whatever relationship you're in. Once again, not just a non-monogamy thing. Helpful for all of it. Sometimes we all need help, and hopefully, you can turn to a partner for that. Yep. It's not clingy to have needs. While your partners may not be your therapist and relying on any individual individual for all of your emotional support may not be fair. Ultimately, you can have things that you need, and you should vocalize those things. Pretending like you take care of yourself all alone isn't actually going to work. So stuffing it down and not letting anybody know what's going on. I will say I know for myself that that ended a lot of relationships. Not being able to trust a partner and being able to tell them what's going on. Uh yep, that is um that is rough. Okay, so let me um skip a few of these. It should be like 13 in total if my count is correct, but I'm running out of time. Once again, I'll do this as a class, put that up on the YouTube. So please read the article. It's a very good article that they made here. Um, so we'll skip to the end. Last but not least, maybe it's not for you. Maybe non-monogamy is just not for you. Uh, non-monogamy has a way of defying some of the things that are inherent but not exclusive to monogamy. Uh, sometimes it can it can be freeing to feel like you can flirt without cheating or do what you like. That term is garbage, but yeah, do what you like, quote unquote. And that in turn makes people feel like non-monogamy is inherently better, inherently more egalitarian, inherently more social progressive than monogamy, which is actually bullshit, because it's actually a lot more work. Uh, can seem great on paper, but not work in practice uh for many people, and that's okay too.

Time, Distance, And Real Limits

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Um, you can think about it, try like I said, try it out. If you're a new person in non monogamy, go ahead and try it out. Hopefully, you don't ruin ruin any relationships that way. I would say consent and negotiation ahead of time. Will probably cover your ass, so you should probably do that. Choosing monogamy doesn't mean you choose everything that society can tack onto it. Um, there are different many different types of monogamous relationships. Um doesn't mean you'll flip out if you choose monogamy if your partner notices somebody else. Doesn't mean you have a problem with your partner having sexual feelings or romantic feelings for somebody else. Once again, that's that self-work shit. So if you have any issues with that, you're feeling jealousy because your partner, I don't know, watches porn, which is stupid. Stupid people, they're getting jealous over porn. Uh, you might have some self-work and some insecurities you need to work on. Uh, so yeah, work on that shit first, whether whatever relationship you're on. Uh, okay, so that's pretty much it. All right, so I hope you apply these lessons to all relationships, not just non-monogamy. This is all relationships. Even non-monogamy, not blah blah blah blah. Even if non-monogamy is not for you, there are lessons to be learned from the polyamorous community. Uh, so yeah, communication, big thing. Uh open communication, being honest, being willing to compromise, being willing to negotiate. Because, yeah, we all have needs. Hopefully, you worked on your identity, know where your uh boundaries are, and you know what your needs are, and you negotiate that with your partner and come to come some consensual understanding. If you apply this advice to your monogamous relationships, they'll be stronger and more secure. Just so you know, okay? Just so you know, not just non-monogamy. Okay, that is all for now. Hope you guys enjoyed this episode as well as the last one. I hope to be teaching this at some point soon and getting more in depth with the introductions into non-monogamy, and once again, do your own research. Please send me an email if you have any questions or comments. Hit me up on the social medias and the Instagrams and the YouTubes and all that. Comment below if you're watching the video. Speaking of videos and podcast episodes, around the King Campfire, new episodes on Thursdays, on all the podcast things, and on the YouTubes on Fridays. There's a video. You'll see my pretty face. Uh, if you are listening to this, go ahead and check out the video. You'll see my background with my flag and the lights that blink somewhat sometimes. Anyways, that's it for now. This is your host, Julius Marquise, or just Julius, if you're feeling less fancy. Thank you for listening to this episode and catch us next time. That's all for now. Hello.