Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast

Why Dating As A Queer Switch Breaks When We Don’t Ask Clear Questions | S4 EP109

• Julius Marques • Season 4 • Episode 17

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Ever sit across from someone you’re wildly attracted to and realize you’re both waiting for the other to start? That’s the quiet chaos of dating as a queer switch—where presentation invites assumptions, desire doesn’t follow a clock, and the hottest scenes fizzle when roles aren’t clear. We open the campfire to talk about being “single” in non‑monogamy, the pressure of labels, and why curiosity—not mind‑reading—makes kink and relationships work.

Julius and Shannon share real‑world stories from clubs, apps, and long‑term dynamics that stalled because initiation fell through the cracks. We get practical about solving stalemates: assign initiation, use yes/no/maybe lists, create scene briefs, and schedule check‑ins to renegotiate roles before resentment builds. If you’re neurodivergent, you’ll hear tools that honor structure and still welcome play, from shared docs to pre‑scene mood checks. When actions don’t match promises, we talk about believing patterns, not excuses, and how polyamory can distribute needs without forcing a single relationship to be everything.

Language matters here. We unpack the tangle of femdom, dominatrix, female dominant, and dominance expressed through femininity, and why asking “What does that mean to you?” prevents painful mismatches—like confusing stag/vixen with cuck dynamics. Titles and honorifics are treated like kinks themselves: opt‑in, negotiated, and revocable. We also name the digital pressure cooker—read receipts, typing bubbles, and 24/7 availability—and offer simple agreements to calm nervous systems and reduce entitlement.

If you’re tired of assumptions, hungry for clarity, and ready to build scenes and relationships that actually fit, pull up a chair. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs better questions, and leave a review telling us the one assumption you want people to stop making about you.


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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Around the Kinky Campfire. Grab a seat, pour a drink, and let's turn up the heat. This is the podcast where we explore the wild, wonderful, and sometimes wicked world of kink, BDSM, and alternative lifestyles. Whether you're a seasoned player, a curious newbie, or just here for the stories, we've got something for you. Join us on Thursdays on your favorite podcast platform as we share experiences, dive into deep discussions, and may even spark a little fire of your own. No shame, no judgment, just real talk around the kinky campfire. Let's get lit. Welcome back, everybody, to Around the Kinky Campfire, and yet again I forgot to check my name. I am Julius Marquise, H. Julius Marquise, or just Julius, if you're feeling less fancy. And yet again, I have another guest in-house with me. Who am I with?

SPEAKER_02:

Hello, friends. I am Shannon Elliott, and I am excited to be here for another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. And I will get my name while you're doing that. Uh my name for now is uh Rob Lucci. That is not as funny as the last one, but it is a deep cut for my anime people. They know what I'm talking about. And um someday, maybe I know a certain person might get into the animes. We were talking about Cowboy B-pop. I meant to say earlier it's only 24 episodes. So if you socially watch it with somebody and then they are an anime fan, they will probably re-watch it with you because it is a classic.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. 24 episodes I can do.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, 24 episodes. I mean, oh, there is a movie. I don't want to tell you that. But the movie's good too. So it's 24 episodes of the movie.

SPEAKER_02:

Do I watch the episodes or the movie first?

SPEAKER_00:

The movie the episodes, because then you want to know what's going on in the movie if you watch the movie. Uh yeah, so that's that. Rob Lucci for anybody that knows. Okay. We still have our same drinks, and we're still not sponsored. So you want to do the ASMR five seconds again? Sure. I would drink the Tequila with you if it wasn't a school night. You ready?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

I made a mess of myself. I dribble. Oh goodness. It's almost like that nut milk getting out of there. I'm very excited.

SPEAKER_02:

Lordy, you and nut milk.

SPEAKER_00:

I gotta get that nut milk for you next time. You talk about creaming and pies that we're filled with cream and barriers. If you didn't listen to the last episode, you don't have any idea what we're talking about. But you should go back and listen to an episode where we talk about milking nuts and making pies full of cream. And events. Yes, and events. I got stuck on the pies.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I do enjoy it.

SPEAKER_02:

I think we're a little hungry.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah, totally. That's why I said that. For food. Yep, I'm hungry for food. So speaking of being single, I'm kind of single. What do you say? As a non-monogamous person.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

I say I'm single when people say something. Also, I build I I do stage stuff, so I just say I'm single compared to all the married people.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I say I'm single.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, like, I have like life partners that are like like I have a platonic life partner, but I also have play partners, I also have like people that I'm vetting, casual acquaintances, people that I'm chatting with, and it's just easier to say that I'm single. And like fundamentally, that's what it is, is like I have deep connections with people, but it doesn't mean that like I'm planning a life for with someone like most monogamous relationships tend to be.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. There's probably some vanilla people that would argue with argue with us about that. You're not single because you have somebody that you do with. It's like, sure, but I'm open.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And also, like, okay, when I go to the mall with my best friend, does that make me not single all of a sudden? Oh, okay. Playing devil. We are the like-minded playing devil at it.

SPEAKER_00:

That's what Julius does.

SPEAKER_02:

So we need to find another person to become on the podcast who like is totally opposite of us.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I would love to find a monogamous person. Monogamous villa vanilla person would be great. Because I oh god, we're tanging it again. Okay, so this episode was supposed to be about queerness and and femininity, masculinity, and single thing, because they are all related. Yeah. It sucks being a queer person in the regular world because people look at you and make an assumption, and it's usually wrong because they don't ask questions. Yep. And then be like, I'm not the man you're looking for. I don't these the everything you see here is very versatile and switchy, and people can't handle that. But we're gonna go into what we just said tangent it on, which was what did we just tangent on? You forgot to. Yeah. Oh no, we forgot. Okay, I was gonna say something. Um, what did you say last? We got this, we can get it.

SPEAKER_02:

We were talking about relationships. Oh, vanilla people. Vanilla people having a vanilla guest.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, vanilla guest. We did it. So my tangent was I have no problem, like, I'm not really a political person. Yeah, I think religion is stupid, just saying that in my personal opinion. Okay, but I will go to a very political and very religious place and talk about myself. I know a lot of people, as you know, avoid stuff that they find triggering. Yeah, but it's like those people need to learn too. Yeah. And like, I know religious stuff, I don't believe in it, but it's like I'll still go to a conversation. Like, people in general, like not even content creator people, they will go into places that they're comfortable with. I will go into a place and educate people. So if somebody was like very religious and very vanilla and they wanted me to talk on their podcast or show or whatever it is, I have no problem going on there. I can relate to those people. Yeah, I can relate to any people, but there's certain people that will like stay away um from that kind of stuff, and it's like you need you don't know anything about it. You can learn, there's always a learning opportunity. So I would have no problem being around somebody that I 99% disagree with, but we can still have a conversation.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I don't have to like you to talk to you, exactly, and we can still have a conversation.

SPEAKER_00:

I'll talk to somebody about some goddamn ice walls and bunkers and flat the earth being flat. I don't have to agree with it, but I will talk, I'll have a whole hour conversation with that person, especially if it's on a podcast or some kind of recorded thing. So, yeah, I have no problem. And then there's people even in the kinky world and swinger world that are like monogamous and religious. Yeah, there's groups on there for that. So I would 100% do that. Um, back to the So if anyone wants to for real, I'll do it. You can invite me. I I'd actually rather go onto their podcast. They can invite me to do that kind of stuff. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We had our conversation last night. And this is a resume. I would love to just bounce around, just show up. Tell me what time, and I will show up to the podcast. I kind of want to goof around on this episode, but this queer thing in being single and masculine and femininity isn't it? Fucking annoying because people still do that all the time. And I'm talking about specifically people that are attracted to me that I found on the apps and in real life. And even when I explain it, um, I can't talk about anyway specifically, because some people listen to this podcast that I um talk to, but it's like you have a conversation, you do your negotiation, and you have a plan. It's not always rock solid, yeah, because it doesn't have to be, but it's like I thought we talked about this. Yeah. It's like, all right, who's who's taking control of this thing? We both agree that we're like switch E, not necessarily switch is, but we do this, and then it's just like, all right, well, we're just gonna be sitting here for 30 minutes. Right. And it's like we talked about this.

SPEAKER_02:

To a certain extent, it's really hard to play with other switches because it's like, okay, well, who's leading? Like, yep. And it's hard to decide when like unless you're in a certain mood and both of you happen to be in moods that align with each other and like make a scene happen or something like that. Like it can be a real like battle for dominance or battle for submission.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep. Like even when you talked about it ahead of time.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like we talked about this. I was so good.

SPEAKER_02:

We had a plan. Yeah. See, and I'm also autistic, so I love a good plan. A lot of my vetting, like that I go through with um anyone that is interested in something for me, um, like more long term, I make them do homework. They fill out forms.

SPEAKER_01:

Good.

SPEAKER_02:

It's great.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

But I love like I just I like the knowing of it. And it also helps you make a great plan for a great scene because it's like, okay, well, I had you do two different versions of a yes, no, maybe list, so I can compare and contrast them and then build a nice little scene of like a couple things that you really like, and then a couple like one or two things that like you maybe haven't tried before, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. Do you know there's a thing too, just in general, there are routine people and there are spontaneous people.

SPEAKER_02:

I am both.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah. I'm a routine person.

SPEAKER_02:

I am a spontaneous person who needs routine in order to exist as a human. Yeah, I love spontaneity, I thrive in routine. It's really difficult over here.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

It's called being bipolar.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So there are people that don't know that there's a difference and they don't know where they fall in line with that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's um, I'm definitely the room team person, but I like as many plates spinning as possible until the point one of them falls.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

So that's my spontaneity because I don't know which plate's gonna fall.

SPEAKER_02:

It's like, ooh, yeah, exactly. Surprise!

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but I plan the plates.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

So I don't want to say I'm kind of boring, but I'm very much a room team person. Like, even with sex and kink, if we can put that on the calendar, it's great. Because then I can look forward to it. But a lot of people get like annoyed with that. But like, I even like thought about doing porn just for the fact that you plan the shoots out.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's like, this is a script amazing. This is great. There's a script. Oh my god, yes, you said it exactly. It's like this is perfect.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh I would just love that. Then I don't have to think about it anymore. When is it gonna happen? If it's gonna happen. So you're talking about the switches thing. So even with somebody that's uh not necessarily allosexual, those people I I kind of like those as people as partners because it's like you know every time they're gonna be horny. Yeah. And it's like, okay, I know we have a thing, this is gonna happen because like you know, stick something in your mouth, and it's like something's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, to each their own, yep. Everyone enjoys different things.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. But to the point of the switches thing is would you get someone that's more in the middle and the demi part of it, it's like alright, once again, we're gonna be sitting there looking at each other. It's like, do I need to take my clothes off? Are you gonna take your clothes off? And it's like, okay. And then months go by and it's like, huh. I don't even remember the last time we did it. I mean, we're having a good time, but it's like, you better say you're horny or something, because I'm not gonna be the one to start the thing. Cause yeah. And I've had that happen too, where had a partner finally just be like, I'm so horny. It's like, you didn't say anything two months ago. You literally didn't say anything. I told you at the beginning of this, I'm not the initiator. I am a spectrum. They didn't they just don't understand it. They've been like, I've just been horny so I was like, You could have started something.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, you could have said something, and I can say no to it.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

But if you don't say anything, then what am I supposed to do with that?

SPEAKER_00:

Here's the thing is in the negotiation, I specifically say I don't tell my partner no. I specifically say that, and they still don't initiate.

SPEAKER_02:

That's kind of lovely. That like real clear communication, I love that.

SPEAKER_00:

I do it, and this is the whole point of this episode is the frustration. Because I tell them ahead of time and they still don't do it. Because I attract people that see me and expect a certain thing, and it's like I realize I look like a guy most of the time, but I'm not the horny guy that you want. And it has specifically made it awkward with people. They will say, Huh, I never noticed that you don't have the horniness thing going on. That's what it was. And I'm like, Yes, I told you ahead of time.

SPEAKER_02:

It's like I put this in like black and white lettering, and yet people don't read.

SPEAKER_00:

Nope. As we know, as we know, as we know, yeah, gotta do that research.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, it's similar for me too. Like, I'm a switch, I enjoy dominating people, I enjoy subbing for people. Um, and it just kind of depends on the situation and who's involved. But like, there are so many people that hear that I am or that know me and assume I'm submissive based on like some of the involvements that I have in the community. Um there's one time that at the club we were kicking someone out because he was being like basically harassing staff members. Um, and he like started leaving or whatever. Um, and like working in a club, it's like I'm checking people in, I'm making sure people are comfortable. It's very service subby of me. And so we were kicking this guy out, and I was standing outside the door, and he looks me at me and he's like, I'm gonna call the cops. And I was like, You're welcome to do that, but you cannot do that here. Like, and I had someone who um like I walked back in and he's like, I've never heard you like that before. And it's like, well, he was like, I just thought you were a sub. I was like, Why? He's like, Well, you're super girly and cute, and I'm like, Did you ask a question? Person, right? Like, and yes, I also enjoy making people like submit to me, and yeah, I don't know. People just make assumptions and it makes it really difficult to date because it's like you go into things and it's like okay, but that's not actually what I was looking for. Like, I I kind of want to spank you and tell you that you're like an awful human being, or tell you that you're a very good person. Not everyone assumes that of me.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep, we're coming from the opposite two opposite sides of the thing.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Because people make assumptions and it's like, nope, I like all the things. Yeah. And certain days. And I understand too, if you're like, you're talking to someone and they subscribe to sub or Dom, either one, and then you decided to, you know, we're talking about us, decided to to date them.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like, okay, I get it, and then I tell you what's going on with me, and you say okay as well, and then you just kind of fall back into the default. Yeah. And it's like, we talked about this. Yeah. I will top you for the kinky things, but when it comes to the sexual things, you need to be the one to initiate it. Otherwise, you're just gonna get teased the whole time. And people are like, oh, okay, and then they don't do that. Yeah. Which is totally fine if it's a you know a thing in the beginning, because there's always a learning curve. Yeah. But we're talking about like two, three, four, five years later, and it's still a thing. Oh my god. Yeah, and you're still frustrated. And it's like we talked about this two years ago.

SPEAKER_02:

See, I think that's one of the reasons that you need to have like check-ins with people. Yes, sometimes like relationships exist for long enough to where it's like you gotta sit in the car on a road trip and be like, How you doing? How's life? What are our like boundaries? Are they still working for us?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

And a lot of people just make assumptions along the way. Like it's how you end up, like I did, in a relationship with someone where like you're doing things that you didn't think you ever would, and it's like, well, how did we get here?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Um the camps is now I'm a big fan of negotiating everything, even if it's something you negotiated in the beginning and hadn't been done since then.

SPEAKER_02:

You can always renegotiate too. Yeah, like you can change your mind.

SPEAKER_00:

100%. You can always do that. I just having done that in the past and not and made that mistake of not negotiating everything, and then trying to do it in the current times, and then like realizing like okay, so things were negotiated in the beginning, they were agreed to, but it didn't happen. Yeah, and it still hasn't happened years later, and it's like we talked about this in the beginning. So I understand renegotiating is like, okay, so it didn't happen, so now we want to renegotiate that it's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Now what do we do?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, nothing happens. I think to a certain extent, that like repeated behaviors need to be believed. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. And so, like, if you negotiate with someone and they like say, Yes, I'm okay with this, or yes, I'm into this, or whatever it is, but then they continually show you that like, oh, I don't like I don't like degradation, then it's like, okay, well then I don't want to degrade you, you know? But like in other situations, it's like if I tell you, like, I want you to, it's like I hear so many monogamous or like straight couples specifically who are like, yeah, I want my partner to initiate sex more. And I'm like, well, did you tell them that? And then there's also like the flip side of it where it's like, okay, you told them and they're not doing it, so why are you still expecting them to do it, even though you keep telling them? At a certain point, you just need to believe their action over their words and say, like, okay, well, this isn't working anymore. This isn't what I wanted to get out of this relationship. It's why I love polyamory.

SPEAKER_00:

You say that, but you're talking to me as well, because that's where my tism comes in, is like we talked about it, we both said it, but it's not happening. My brain goes like what the fuck is going on? Because it's like we talked about that, and like I'm just gonna pat my own self on the back. Is um when I get into um professional situations, not necessarily work, but like events and stuff, and people are like compliment me because oh, you did what you said you're gonna do, and like nobody does. But like, if I have a schedule and I say I'm gonna be here at this time and then leave at this time, I come a little early and I stay a little bit later. But that's like me being raised as a military brat. So it's like I I appreciate the compliments, but I'm just doing how I was raised and what feels comfortable to me. Yeah, but like in this day and age, people just kind of go whenever they want. It was like you signed up for this. Yeah, and it's like I know yeah, you I know you know. That's why that's why I'm talking to you specifically. But in other in all general cases, people will compliment me, and it's like, I I said I was gonna do this, so I'm going to do that. And like, anytime that doesn't happen, like in any situation, professional work, relationship-wise, my brain doesn't work. It's like, if you're not gonna do it, just say you're not gonna do it, and then we can work on it from there. But don't tell me you're gonna do something and then just not do it, and just be like, eh. And it's like, it's been going on for months, it's been going on for months, and it's like my brain can't handle that. If I say I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I didn't I need the knowing part of it. Like, I can't just not like if you're gonna leave me hanging, I will like uh self destruct. It's just it's going to happen because I'm gonna sit there wondering like, did I do something wrong? Did I not communicate clearly enough? Like all of these little questions start popping up, and then I implode.

SPEAKER_00:

And then there's the neurospicy thing, and it's like, I thought I said that. And then you start questioning it's like, did I say that in my head?

SPEAKER_02:

See, that's the bipolar part of me where it's like, Did I say that out loud?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, ADHD people do that too.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You have a whole conversation, think you said something, and then argue about it, and then like realize you hadn't said it. So I do the reverse and both. And that's why I have Google Docs now.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

For every relationship. I put it on the sheet. And then it'd be like, You looked at this, you have access to this. You saw this. It's written down now. So none of us can have an argument, which I've done many times. Be like, oh, you said this. And it's like, no, I didn't. It's like, yes, you did. And like, no, I didn't. And then come to find out the one person was in their head and then actually didn't say it. Or the vice versa. And it's like, that's why I do Google Docs now. Because I learn from my mistakes. So when it comes to this stuff, the sex and the kink. I put that in a document. So that way it can't be, oh yeah, I thought I thought this and you meant that. And then do you have a personal?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, that's one of my biggest pet peeves is so like when I'm like talking to people or dating people, I love asking people, well, what does that mean to you? I love getting like the definitions of things from people because like everything means something different to someone else. And recently I had someone that um they were like, Yeah, I'm into stag fixing. And I was like, Well, what does that mean to you? And because I'm an author and like I mentioned that I write books, he was like, Well, you're just like asking me for research. And I was like, No, I'm asking you because I want to know what it fucking means. Like, there's so many people who have very different and personalized definitions of things. Correct. I've been having conversations with friends recently about how like there are educational definitions that we need to use in order to like educate larger groups and like just be on the same level so that everyone knows what we're talking about. And then there's definitions of things that are like influenced by your own personal experiences and your thoughts and like all those things that make it very nuanced and very individualized. So when I ask someone, well, what does stagvixen mean to you? What does that look like for you? And then I actually learned that you're into cucking, it's like, well, those are two different things. One's like there's an aspect of humiliation, one there's not. And if I'm not into humiliating my partner, then I don't want to participate in that. And if I am, then like, let's go. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yeah, you gotta have that renegotiated thing.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And we here at the campfire always like to go through the definitions and ask people what their definition of the thing is, because everybody has a different definition. I don't want to say triggery, but it is triggery. Because people make those assumptions all the time. And it's like, no, we're gonna go through all the definitions and figure out what your definition of the thing is.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, and the other thing is like I like we were talking about queerness and like femininity and masculinity and dominance, and it's like, well, what's a femdom? What's a dominatrix? What is a female dominant, and what is dominance and femininity? Because like I think those are all very different things. Femnom Fem Dom, I think is a stereotype. Dominatrix to me is like a profession. Um, a female dominant is kind of what it says. It's a queerness doesn't always align very well with our language in the world, but like a female or a woman who is dominant, and then dominance and femininity is a concept because femininity unto itself is a social construct. And so it's like like most people aren't sitting here all day thinking about four different terms for one subject. So when I ask you what your definition is, I'm I'm genuinely asking because I've thought too much about this and I need to know.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep. Well, well, friend, that's why we're on a podcast together because we think about these stuff and we gotta get it out of the head.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. I I I look at it as a uh aptitude test because if I ask somebody that and they get frustrated and like, ah, well, we weren't compatible in the first place because we gotta talk about these different things because there's a lot of assumptions out there, and then also there's like anxious type people that like to look at somebody's face and just make a whole scenario in their head, and it's like we never even talked about that. Well, you look that way, and it's like, what? I didn't say anything.

SPEAKER_02:

The number of people who want to call me mommy, I do not want to be a mother in real life, I don't want to be your mommy. But they just like I I guess I have a vibe. I don't know what vibe that is, but I guess I give off some kind of vibe where they're like a caregiver thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but then you you still gotta ask a question, people.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. And ask me for like consent to do that because that's not how I operate.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep.

SPEAKER_02:

I much prefer goddess. You can worship me. I'm not gonna take care of you.

unknown:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, see, they gotta ask these questions. Uh I just, if anything, if anybody listens to this podcast, if they learn anything, just ask a fucking question.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

People do not know how to ask a question.

SPEAKER_02:

How do you ask a question?

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

I feel like now we're in a s like what is it called? A standoff? A stalemate.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, you asked a question, so I said exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

Y'all God.

SPEAKER_00:

How do you ask a question? Exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

How do you ask a question is the question.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. How do you ask that?

SPEAKER_02:

We're gonna go round and round.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep. That's literally all it is. Just ask the question. And people just don't just don't want to ask the question. I think it follows me around everywhere.

SPEAKER_02:

I think it comes down to like one, people don't know themselves, and two, people don't want to be vulnerable by asking the question. They don't want to show like weakness because to most people it's admitting I don't know something. When what it really is, is I'm curious about something. And like you have to become comfortable with curiosity in order to learn about people, and I think that's why some people have a misconception that like kink isn't like kink to fundamentally to me is how you relate to someone, like it's a relationship unto itself, it's a dynamic, you've negotiated things, you have expectations of people. Like, if you're not curious about people, if you don't want to get to know them, then like how are you supposed to do any of that?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, the lifestyle. Yeah, you're kind of like beating a dead horse here, because that's like American culture now, is people just make assumptions. Yeah, get a little piece of information, and like, ah, that's the whole entire thing. Moving on to the next thing. I'm gonna swipe because that's what I do up and down, whatever it is, left or right. And people just kind of move on, they just make one little judgment off a little piece of information, and it's like I wish people would just ask me. Yeah, just ask. You have freedom and permission to ask, and I tell everybody this just ask the question. It's just so hard. But yes, people don't want to feel stupid. But I I've learned that it's I have that was a great face. Yeah, it's rough because it's like ask the stupid question and just get the judgments out of there. But then if you're like, hey, I didn't know, I'm just gonna ask, and then people are just like they ease up a little bit. But yeah, people will judge you for asking quote unquote stupid questions, but it's like might as well just get that out get it out of the way. I didn't know. How was I supposed to figure it out? Well, even that or just feeling bad about it, let's just keep going until we don't have that anymore. Because it's like somebody's gotta ask it. Yeah, somebody's gonna ask the stupid question, and it's like, yep, whatever. And if the person is short with you, then maybe they're just having a bad day. But yeah, you gotta you gotta ask, oh man. Yeah, the assumptions. Assumptions people make, and it's like people you are potentially dating make those things as well. And it's like, I gotta fight with people outside in the real world. Let's not do this here, just ask the question.

SPEAKER_02:

There's so much masking that happens in the real world. I don't want to do that in my personal relationships.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't want to sit there and try and like guess what you're thinking or anticipate what you want. Like, if I know that you get up every morning, you make toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast, and I happen to be up early because I'm not a morning person, and I want to make you toast and scrambled eggs, then like, yeah, that's a nice thing that I'll do or whatever. But like, if I don't know what you want for breakfast that morning because you mix it up and things like that, well then I'm just gonna walk into the bedroom and say, like, what do you want for breakfast? I was gonna make something for like me, you know? But some people like would rather guess that someone wants French toast and then it ends up that the person wants waffles, and then they have this weird disagreement because it's like miscommunication, but it's like it's breakfast. It could have been so easy.

unknown:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I think I'm hungry.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you're hungry, and I'm ruminating over here because I feel like you've been watching my old relationships on a camera or something. Cause yeah, I've had those arguments before.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm just looking at a mirror, yeah, is really what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. It's like such simple things. You know that's how most relationships end is the little things. It's not like cheating or stealing money or anything, it's the little things that build up over time.

SPEAKER_02:

That's you won't put the toilet seat down. You didn't put the milk in the right part of the fridge.

SPEAKER_00:

Like because you didn't say anything. Yeah, gotta say something. Yeah, avoiding conflict is is a thing too. That's um I think we were talking about something before, but uh people wanting to avoid conflict is uh is another thing. So, like, why are we doing that with our partners?

SPEAKER_02:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

Still stalk on child years. All that time we were supposed to guess what our parents were thinking.

SPEAKER_02:

Trauma.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, exactly. So I have to, even with myself, just a note for the camsters out there, I have to remind myself, even after all this time that I was aware of it happening, I still have to remember to say the thing.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I even catch myself sometimes. It's like, why am I annoyed right now? It's like, oh fuck.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's like, shit, I gotta say something. So I have to be like, hey, next time we're together, we gotta have a talk.

SPEAKER_02:

You know what I hate like perfect example. Um, I have like a partner that I was texting, and the little bubble popped up that they were typing. And after a couple minutes, I just sent them a message being like, Can you react to this with an emoji if you're mad at me and I should be like anxious over this text message? And they sent the actual text message shortly after that. It was totally out of left field, not something that I needed to be anxious about at all. But like just me watching the bubbles pop up for too long was like, what is happening? So I asked, and then they reacted with an emoji, and I was like, okay, it's fine, I don't have to worry about this. And then I got like a very long message about like something related to some random subject that we talked about three weeks ago, and it's like cool, running with it. I'm on the same page as you now. I'm so glad that I wasn't anxious for 13 minutes. Anxiety got to you, yeah. I was like, did I do something wrong?

SPEAKER_00:

I hate when that thing pops up like that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I wish I could turn it off. I'd rather just not know that you're trying to type back.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I'm at the anxiety monster.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, well that too.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I wish I could just turn off my brain sometimes, though.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and then you know, welcome to technology and all this other bullshit now.

SPEAKER_02:

The fact that we are constantly accessible to people too is maddening. Like dating apps, yeah. The fact that people oh, I've had so many people like get mad at me or unmatch me or whatever because I like had to go do my job for a little while, or like I had to take my dog on a walk, or God forbid I talk to a friend, my mother calls me, like whatever it is, like to a certain extent, it's like people just demand so much of you from the beginning of a relationship, and they assume that they've earned that kind of time and attention. And I'm like, you just got here.

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the assumptions again. Ah, we hate assumptions here. Drives me crazy. Yes, I love clarity. Yes. I love oh man. Yet again, another aptitude test.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Sometimes you just let it leave it there, even if you had nothing to do, just to see how frustrated the person gets.

SPEAKER_02:

Right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. It's like, okay, we're gonna test the person's frustration.

SPEAKER_02:

It's like when I'm talking to people and they make it really sexual from the beginning, and I just ignore it, and then they keep bringing it up, and I'm like, at what point are you gonna realize I'm not gonna respond to that? And then I just stop responding, and then they get mad at me, and I'm like, I wasn't engaged in this to begin with.

SPEAKER_00:

That leads us to entitlement, which is another thing on the masculine and feminine spectrum. Yeah. That whole entire thing. Oh, we could talk about this for a long time.

SPEAKER_02:

That's why you have a podcast.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, right? Uh I'm excited to see what else we talk about, considering what we've talked about last night.

SPEAKER_02:

You have a whole list.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, I'm in other spaces where we can talk about this stuff too.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_02:

Write articles about things, make a class from it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. All those different things. Okay. So it's the end of the day, people. Uh, and then um there's uh it's also a school day, so somebody has to finish up. So we're gonna cut this one a little bit short because guess what? We could talk about this forever and ever and ever, because y'all know how it is out there in the world and being assumptions, and y'all know how we hate assumptions here. Just ask a fucking question.

SPEAKER_02:

I want that on a t-shirt. Just ask.

SPEAKER_00:

I could do that. I told you somebody has an Etsy shop, right?

SPEAKER_02:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, that's news that I will like really like to hear.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, there's like 12 items on there.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, yeah, you did tell me. Yeah. Oh, I just have a terrible memory. That forgive people with terrible memories. I will add that caveat. I may ask you the same question several times.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, again, neurospiciness.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. That's another thing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, we all have that. Oh, remembering names. That's another one. Um, but yeah, I should put that on a shirt.

SPEAKER_02:

Also, in the lifestyle, you end up with so many names that it's like, who am I today?

SPEAKER_00:

That too.

SPEAKER_02:

What identity do I pick up? That too.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like, I'm not gonna remember your scene name and your real name. That's not gonna happen. Oh. That's why I don't even care what people use. It's like, oh, you pick one of them. You use that one.

SPEAKER_02:

Hey you.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

Hi, friend.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm I'm good with that motherfucker. You can call me that motherfucker. Hey, motherfucker. That was that's what I do. Okay. Yeah. Half the time. The other one thinking, oh, what is it?

SPEAKER_02:

Daddy?

SPEAKER_00:

Nope. No! That's what I do, not uh name. I'm saying verb.

SPEAKER_02:

Verb.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I was saying motherfucker, daddy fucker.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, you said daddy fucker?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, maybe I didn't say the fucker part, but uh that's where daddy came from.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, okay. Yeah, you didn't say the fucker part.

SPEAKER_02:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

That's true too. It needs to be a them fucker. So I'm not I'm I stopped saying girlfriend and boyfriend, it's them friend now.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I like them friends.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so we say parent fucker?

SPEAKER_02:

Paternal fucker. Paternal figure fucker.

SPEAKER_00:

That's that's uh father though.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh yeah. And wait, no, that's fraternal, and then maternal, paternal is gender neutral, right?

SPEAKER_00:

That's that's father, paternal, paternal maternal, paternal. Paternal parent and maternal parent. Yeah. So we need we need uh what is a parent? Another word, yeah. Another nerve, another name for parent.

SPEAKER_02:

Hold on, Google Save me.

SPEAKER_00:

Parents. Did you know there's two different types of fiance?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

I didn't know that until recently.

SPEAKER_02:

There's fiance with one E and fiance with two E's, and they're gendered. It's really fucked up. Yeah. I had an editor tell me about that. So they were reading and they were like, This is wrong. I was like, who the fuck knows that information?

SPEAKER_00:

Apparently they read, they uh listen to podcasts too, because it came up on a podcast recently, and I didn't know that. They were making fun of the guy because he's like, Oh, fiance with one E, so you're marrying a guy. Yep, that's what happened.

SPEAKER_02:

I like have a whole Google hole that I'm gonna go down now about gender neutral paternal maternal terms.

SPEAKER_00:

We gotta figure it out. Parent, so parent fucker.

SPEAKER_02:

Have you ever heard someone Maddie? So it's like mommy and daddy.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, no, just Zaddy.

SPEAKER_02:

Isn't Zaddy like specific? Isn't that a fictional character?

SPEAKER_00:

Probably. But Zaddy is just for because uh German, they use Z and Zur.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's gender neutral because the lat it's not because German language has a specific term for everything.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So I'd rather do that.

SPEAKER_02:

It's like German has a specific term for everything and the French just don't have terms for things.

SPEAKER_00:

Correct. All the German languages. German is great.

SPEAKER_02:

I love German. I took it in high school. Yeah. I took it specifically so I could read the fairy tales in German.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, good.

SPEAKER_02:

We did an entire semester on it. It was great.

SPEAKER_00:

So now that that people know about um the that German word for like reveling in somebody suffering.

SPEAKER_02:

Schadenfreude?

SPEAKER_00:

That one. Yeah. They have a term for that. They have terms for all kinds of stuff. We just need to all learn German, because that's the main Schadenfreude. It's like, how do you how do you just quantify that in any other way? But anyways, they have Z and Zer, which is better than they them, just because of the uh the syntax of it all in my head. Oh just makes more sense because it's like they them is plural, but zer is singular for non-binary person.

SPEAKER_02:

So it's zer zir?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. That's non-binary. Because Germans got it right. It just makes because it's it doesn't the singular and the plural always mess me up when I first got into gender neutral pronouns and cars, they do well, evidently. Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Howdy. Yeah, that's my dream car.

SPEAKER_02:

I was thinking of BMW. The bug. No.

SPEAKER_00:

You talking about uh assumptions? BMW drivers. Oh, they're all assholes.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh wow, that's an assumption.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, generalization, bringing it all back. Okay, so we have to end this now because we're we went into a whole different type of thing. We're all just gonna be German. That's the whole point. Hey, I was gonna pull out to my German accents. Oh Mr. Bond, we have to I'm a laser. We have to go now at the end of this episode. I am um Rob Lucci and I have my friend here. Shannon Elliott. And we are here. We we do the promotions again. Do you want to do the promotions again?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, I had a book come out recently. It's called Cherished by Shannon Elliott. It's available on Amazon. And then I'd also like to direct people towards SmutSource, which is an educational resource at Smutsource.com, and you can read articles that have been written by people a lot smarter than me on topics that I know nothing about.

SPEAKER_00:

Actually, I know quite a bit, but there's smarter people out there than there are here, unfortunately. But it's also fortunate because we end up learning something new all every time. So this is uns Julius Marquise, air Julius Marquis, and this is UNT Around the King Campfire. We have new episodes every Thursday and sometimes a video on Friday as well. And check the Instagrams and the Twitters and the Yahoo's to send emails and the YouTubes. We enjoy that very much. Unt very good. Now you sound kind of British. What do you mean? I have not switched over to British. I am the lovely lady juice. Okay, that's enough for now. This is funny because I'm going to practice soon, so this is all helpful. I need to I need to do more warm ups. Alright, uh, yeah, Ronnie Kinky Campfire, Julius Marquise. That's all for now. See y'all later. Hello.

SPEAKER_02:

And goodbye.

SPEAKER_00:

That's a wrap for this episode of the Around the Kinky Campfire podcast. We love having you by the fire and we'd love to hear from you. Got a kinky question, a steamy story, or a topic you want us to cover? Slide into our DMs and send us a message at AroundTheKinky Campfire, Campfire with a K at yahoo.com. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review wherever you're listening. Your support helps keep the flames burning and the conversations flowing. Follow us on Twitter, Kinky Campfire, Campfire with a K, YouTube, Around the Kinky Campfire, Campfire with a K, or Instagram, Campfire Kinksters, CampfireWithAK. To stay in the loop, join the community and keep the kink alive between episodes on Thursdays. Until next time, stay safe, stay sexy, and keep that fire burning.

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