Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast

I’m Here To Cuddle, Not Diagnose | S4 EP102

• Julius • Season 4 • Episode 11

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We explore how to stop therapizing friends and partners, set clean boundaries, and keep consent front and center when the urge to fix takes over. We share scripts, signs of receptivity, and how to find kink-aware, non-monogamy-competent support without burning out.

• consent before giving advice
• listening over fixing with partners
• energy management and burnout cues
• why friends can’t be therapists
• simple boundary scripts that land
• differentiating roles across the slash
• when to refer to kink-aware professionals
• using groups and community with consent
• self-reflection to map your limits

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Around the Kinky Campfire. Grab a seat, pour a drink, and let's turn up the heat. This is the podcast where we explore the wild, wonderful, and sometimes wicked world of kink, BDSM, and alternative lifestyles. Whether you're a seasoned player, curious newbie, or just here for the stories, we've got something for you. Join us on Thursdays on your favorite podcast platform as we share experiences, dive into deep discussions, and may even spark a little fire of your own. No shame, no judgment, just real talk around the kinky campfire. Let's get lit. Welcome everybody to another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is your host, H.H. Julius, or Julius Marquise, or H Julius Marquis, or just Julius, if you're feeling less fancy. And today we have another episode for you that hopefully is helpful. If nothing else, hopefully you become aware of this type of deal, topic, whatever we're talking about today, which I will lead into after the infamous, the famous uh ASMR five seconds. And today, uh once again, not sponsored, is uh a drink that I have that is just coffee. It is the classic uh roast coffee from Great Value, and it is delicious. So here we go with ASMR uh two seconds. One second. Three I think that was a whole two seconds that time. Yeah, so not uh super hot because it's getting to the bottom of the cupboard, so I have to make it last here for the next uh twenty or so minutes. That is these episodes of Around the Kiki Campfire when I am by myself. Hopefully giving you a little nugget for your week to get you started on that research, because we know we love that research. Okay, so today's topic is something that I came across not too long ago because I was talking to people and let me scoot over here, and it was uh interesting topic because when you have friends, family members, partners, like we do here at the uh campfire, there is uh a line. Boundary? I don't know that people cross sometimes. I want to be boundary crossers, but if you haven't thought about this yourself, then this is a good time to take note, do some metrics here, figure it out for yourself where your line is. And that is kind of like being helpful, so not really being like a therapist, so to speak, but we're talking more of like unsolicited advice. Where does your uh line start for you of where your uh helpfulness is to everybody? I know I have to deal with this. I don't know if anybody else has to uh out there in the cancer world. I feel like if you're listening to the podcast in general, you're probably one of those people that has a little bit more knowledge, more knowledgeable than some people. Do you have some more um growth happening? And not everybody that outside of the podcast world or just researching in general doesn't really think about too often, and it's like, oh, I have this knowledge that might be helpful to somebody. I really feel like I'm speaking to a mirror right now. I'm I'm looking I'm talking to y'all, speaking to a mirror. Once again, Julius is talking to himself and recording it so y'all can eavesdrop on this conversation. But I know for me, doing all this research and um acquiring knowledge, the everyday person probably could care less. So I have to put it on the internet, so maybe I'll find a tribe that relates to what I'm talking about. Yeah, that's that's awesome. I just had this wall hit me recently, and I go back and forth on the wall because I do have some people in IRL that I can talk to these uh talk to about these topics, and then they won't just like have a glossy-eyed look. Their eyes just kind of just wander off and be like, oh god, here we go again, and actually respond and have like opinions on the conversation. So that's a back and forth, but it's more like a 80-20. So, like 20% of the people I can talk to about this stuff that I'm talking to y'all about, my fellow camsters, and then you know, do a little research, have an opinion or something, or actually know what I'm talking about in this case, and it's like, oh, okay. Goodness. Yeah, this was triggered by a lot of different things, not the like the um the bad kind of trigger, it just sparked some thought for myself because talking to a friend and then they related to what I was saying, and it's like, oh, thank god. And then I talk to somebody and I say like nesting partner, and they laugh because it's like a weird turn term for them. I'm like, oh, okay, I gotta learn how to turn it on and off. So this episode was starting out as a uh a metric, learning what lines are for yourself, uh, as far as like being helpful, uh providing quote unquote therapy. Nah, I can't even say that. It's not really that. It's it's uh you should say being helpful because you can't say therapy, technically the wrong term. But it's like I have to learn how myself have to learn how to turn it on and off with certain people, and it's becoming very aware that people in the research space or evolving space, even that sounds really, really condescending and like elitist. What do we call ourselves, people? Message me on the Instagram and let me know, or send me an email. What are we calling ourselves now? Because we're not enlightened, we're not that far yet, but we actually try to do things, and most people just kind of cruise. Oh, now this is turning into a rant. Kind of cruise through life and don't do any kind of online anything. We have the power of the internet. Most people in the world, I can say this very confidently, have a computer in their pocket. It's called a smartphone. It's a literal computer, it connects you to the world wide web, and people do not use the search function. Most of the time it's Google. I don't know what Apple people use, Safari something. But you literally can type in there. You can even speak in there now. We're not talking about AI, we're just talking about the search function in general, and it'll provide you an answer. Now, that's a whole nother skill, filtering answers. I understand that. I do that on a regular basis for reels and for funds. And it's like, what are we doing here? Why why have we not worked on these skills? Driving me crazy. Yet, people have happy lives, which no judgment on them, some people can go through life and just figure stuff out. I'm not one of those people, sadly to say, maybe y'all are relating to what I'm saying and you're out there. That's why you're listening to podcasts. Uh, this one in particular, for you 100 plus people that are downloading these episodes every every week. I appreciate it. Uh, but the other people, I don't I don't understand them. So now I'm just gonna rant to y'all people because you get me. I feel like you get me because you're listening to this. How how do we do this? How do we do this? How do we navigate through life? And it's like I have this information and I see similar resolution to the problem that you're talking about. If you do like five minutes of research, might be helpful. I'm not just gonna give you that. See, I'm talking about myself specifically. I'm not just gonna give you the answer because I feel like the experience and the lesson can be learned better if you go out and do the research yourself. Um, but if you're one of those people that just kind of I don't want to say just like hand feeds people, but just like gives out the information, I would be uh cautionary to tell you, cautionary tell that that is probably not super great for you. A lot of wasted energy there, but you know, you could be more of a caregiver than I am. I am not the caregiver, I'm the protector. So I'm protecting y'all from uh wasting excess amount of energy. And when we talk about energy, we're talking about libido in the Carl Jung uh definition where it's all life energy, not in the sexual energy. Mmm, room tem coffee, yummy. Uh yeah, so be wary of your energy. But this is what this episode is really about. Be wary of your energy, okay? So being helpful and being nice might not necessarily be beneficial to you, so I would be cautionary, I would be uh giving you a cautionary warning, cautionary disclaimer, something, a little flag to tell y'all be wary of that. Maybe that person doesn't want the information you have, and it would be helpful if you just saved it for people that want to know. So, remember, consent is sexy, and we're still talking about consent here, even when it is helpful information. Unsolicited advice is a thing. Try not to let it come out of you to people that do not want it, because then it is non-consensual. We don't want that. And also, remember, you are not a certified therapist unless you are, and you can provide help for people and you can not diagnose people or yourself. Go get actual help. That's my actual disclaimer there for this episode. I am not a certified professional. Take my words with a grain of salt. Go seek help if you actually need it from a certified professional. Okay? Now we have to relate this to the non-monogamous in the kink worlds because there is a lot of therapizing that happens. Especially, I know I have to watch myself with my partners, uh, be they um kink or not. Most are non-monogamous. Yes, exactly. And uh, I have to watch myself because I know the answers from problems, and sometimes they just want to rant. I think I have taught talked to y'all about this before in multiple episodes. Sometimes people just want to rant, and you gotta let them rant without providing any help. You are there just to listen, not just hear it. You gotta listen. So, mark my words, people. This will save you a lot of heartache if you just learn these skills of being able to sit back and just be there for your partner however many you have. So there is the therapizing boundary, so to speak. Um, there is the emotional boundary um that we are going to speak about. And for me, I know I have to crank up the emotional um regulation, uh being there for a partner in an emotional sense without trying to be a quote unquote therapist to them, which is really tough. So have to remember also this counts for friends and family, um, or any other um relationship that you have. Just I mean, you can do work relationships too. I know a lot of people have friends that they work with. I I don't know uh a whole lot about that. Got very little experience with wanting to be friends with coworkers. It has happened, but not very often in my personal experience. But we have to learn these boundaries, okay? And hopefully this will be helpful or at least make you aware. I know I'm being very vague because I don't want to cross that line of therapists, even with y'all, because once again, not certified. Very hard though, because I have the information specifically, and it's like I gotta tow that line still, because it's out there on the interwebs, and I don't want to be one of those people that acts like a therapist but isn't one, but I have information for y'all. But remember, don't listen to what I say, go do research yourself. If any of these topics that I'm glazing over, glizzy, is helpful or sparks an interest, feel free to do your own research. Very helpful. Especially even for this episode. I did a little bit of research and I'm like, oh, this is a rabbit hole. Let me go ahead and um I have to meditate about this because it's like, ooh, I feel the feeling of wanting to cross, I don't want to say cross the line, but being helpful more than I should. And it's like, oh, this is a partner. No, I'm not here for this. I'm here for cuddle times. I'm not here to therapise people, even though I have answers. I don't know about y'all, but I'm very much a YouTube uh video sender type person. It's like, oh, if I hear somebody's having trouble, I'm like, I'm gonna send this YouTube video and then just leave it there and see what happens. And if they watch it later or want to talk about it later, then fine. But if they don't, it's like, all right, that did or didn't happen. That's a thing. Ugh oof, very, very hard. Um, and then sometimes, you know, you might actually spend that energy and then you'll have burnout. So that will be one indication that you went too far. So remember that. That is a thing of going too far. Oof, goodness. Yeah, we gotta um we gotta we gotta work on this. But I mean, some people are fine with having friends slash therapists. Uh this isn't a knock on those type of relationships if you consent to them. I just want people to be aware of this type of things. And uh if you have friends or you are that friend that tries to help too much, this is for you. Telling you right now, this is a thing. Okay, we're gonna go ahead and uh talk about setting healthy boundaries here at almost the halfway point. Remember, burnout is a thing. We oh goodness. Yeah, this is so hard to toe the line right now, people. Very hard. Uh it's it's tough. Okay, so let's differentiate because we have partners and then we have everybody else. Uh I will say everybody else, you probably have a different line. I know for me, uh, have certain friendships where you can be more therapizy. Really depends on the person uh and what they accept. And it's like, ooh, okay, that's yep, that that okay, that's helpful. I would I so I would suggest, you know, practicing more listening. If they provide you answers that seem like they are receptive to the information, then proceed on. That type of thing. Um this is really uh helpful for those of us that are on certain spectrums, um, can't diagnose anybody, but if you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about, and don't really pick up on social cues or emotional cues very well. Uh there are ways that you can pay attention, just be aware of how they answer questions and if they provide feedback, oh, especially if they are asking questions back, that is a great one, right there. Uh, or they provide you with like uh anecdote anecdotal um information, that's also very helpful. Uh yeah, boy, it's it it is rough. Uh man. Uh and okay, so back to uh uh boundaries, kind of jumping all over the place here. Uh is uh just make sure that everything is consensual. And why not have that conversation with the person, whoever it is, and talk to them about what they want in that quote unquote relationship, what friendship, familieship, whatever it is, and see where you lie. Maybe some point they just want to fuck. I don't know. You have a friends with benefits situation, don't get super emotional with those people. Once again, this is really for us higher echelon people. The outliers, not higher echelon, but the outliers that do uh a lot of research. I realize I'm talking to a specific group right here, but y'all my peoples. So hopefully you are understanding what I'm saying and have um had this happen before, didn't know why, and then you're listening to this episode, and it's like, oh, that's what's going on. I'm trying to be helpful when I don't need to be. Just make a note. If you are having a particular relationship that is rough and it's like, oh, this is why, then this is for you. So instead of trying to be helpful, just listen. That's step number one. I said that before, and step number two, maybe you find um why you want to keep this relationship going. What in this relationship is keeping you wanting to still talk to that person? That is the question. So just make a note. Um, maybe it's a common interest, maybe you like bowling or playing darts or going go-karting or golfing, whatever it is. Uh, try to remember that part of it, and then that might be helpful. But just um make a note of what topics probably you can't talk about, that type of thing. And if it's like, oh, you're talking to the person and they just kind of rattling off. Oh man, this is like the worst pet pee ever. When you're talking to somebody and they just rattle off a pre um scripted uh line or something, and it's like, oh god, they're not paying attention to what I'm saying. This is great. Uh that's the worst thing ever that can happen, as far as I'm concerned. It's like uh ugh, gross. Uh okay. Uh let me um uh try to make it more concrete here as we start finishing up the episode. There's some good reasons why your friends can't be therapists, uh, because they can't be objective. Uh big thing about therapy is that your friend the therapist has to be an objective person, even though that doesn't actually happen, in my uh opinion, or in my experience. I tell certain therapists that I'm polyamorous, and they're like, Why don't you try my monogamy? It's like, thank you. Why why are you not being helpful? I could have figured out myself through Google search. That's not helpful. Oh god. So horrendous. Okay. Um, yeah, so if people don't know, therapists are supposed to be objective. So I say supposed to be, I'm air quoting right now, and sometimes they're not, um, which is great. And you can't be objective with friends. There's you know, there's there's certain you you know, too many factors, you have a personal relationship with this person, especially they're talking about people that you know. Really hard to be very objective, so you can't be a therapist with your friends, it's not possible. You're gonna have some kind of emotional attachment to that, probably. Definitely a personal attachment. Uh, so there's emotions involved. Uh, basically, they have skin in the game. Uh, not a not a possible thing to do. So, why are you trying to be a therapist? Why are we doing this? Uh, and then also your friends or you as a friend are trying to make that other person feel better. It's like the uh the parent that doesn't spank the child. I'm not gonna say where I my opinion lies on that line. If you can't figure it out, then there you go. Um, I'm doing my job correctly. It's uh it's uh yeah.

unknown:

Woo.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I went to a place. Uh so it's like uh they want to make you feel better, so they are not gonna probably push you to where you need to go, or if you're lucky enough, for those people that do have friends that do that, congratulations. But most of the time your friends are just gonna be nice, they're gonna try to be nice, which is gross. It's like just give it to me straight person. Yeah, it's like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um yeah, a little bit of ruminating there. It yeah, this this topic is very tough. Very tough not to go straight over those lines. My goodness. Um but yeah, so now that you know why you can't be friends, how about we uh start drawing some lines and start practicing some or words to say to draw those lines? Maybe you have a person that you're talking to and they want to have you uh be a therapist to them, and it's like, no, you're not wanting to do that. Instead, how about you ask, how what do you need from me exactly, and negotiate from there? If it's too far for you, then don't go and don't go any farther than that. And maybe it's just like a platonic friend. You might not want to be that emotionally attached, or it's a partner, you want to be more emotionally attached, but not in that way. It's like I know for me, I have to set the line. I am not a therapist, I'm here to cuddle. I am not your emotional regulator, I am here to tease or bite your booty. Yeah, all those different types of things, and it's like, oh, I have the information, oh, it's so hard. I just watched the video, read an article about that, and it's like ah also respect their boundaries and your boundaries as far as um uh regulation and energy. It's like some people just don't have the energy to provide you uh caregiving at the time, and you gotta be just okay with that, and it's like uh, yeah. And I know sometimes in like dynamics, you know, whatever side of the slash you're on, um, people like to off put their uh irregulations. Um sometimes it's like chores or something, or um uh activities or tasks that need to be done, which is is fine if it's consensual. Um, but sometimes you get you get that emotional line, and even if you are on the right side of the slash, you should be able to talk to your person that's on the left side of the slash and figure out what kind of boundaries you have for each other, and uh be able to talk about that, negotiate about that. I'm just saying that now so everybody's aware. You may or may not be aware of that, but that is a thing you can talk to your person about. Uh, and then lastly, let's talk about self-care and self-awareness. Um, just once again, take a note for yourself. What uh lines? Oh man, ugh, so bad. You don't want to cross boundaries and we don't want to cross any lines, but it's like you gotta take note for yourself. What are you willing to provide and have that talk with the person? And if it goes any further, just be like, hey, uh, I'm not cool with going that far, and then I can provide you information or a link or something, and then you should probably uh do that yourself. Uh luckily there are groups out there that talk about these kind of things, and those are led by a certified professional. Hopefully, if it's a good group, being very judgy about that because you can't really work on that kind of stuff without a certified professional. So that's a thing. Um, definitely should have a certified professional there. I know in our local community we're having a more of an outreach type uh center activities, whatever you want to call it, happen more. So definitely go seek that out. I would argue that group um interactions, don't want to say necessarily therapy, but group interactions are better than one-on-one interactions. Uh especially talking about the therapist situation. Hopefully, you find a therapist that understands what you're going through or relates to you in some way. And it's like, that's really helpful. Man. Yeah, so hopefully I skated through that whole conversation without crossing anybody's lines. Um, do we negotiate that? Is it consensual? Very hard topic. Um but I want to make it more so uh self-reflective than you trying to correct somebody else because the arrogance of man, you can't make somebody change however they want. This is more for yourself. So be reflective for yourself rather than trying to change somebody else. It's not really gonna work out, not a thing. You can't make somebody else do something. So work on this yourself. Take notes. Where is your energy being depleted? If you need actual certified certified help, sounds like you're going to a mental institution. If you need help from a certified professional, go and seek that. Hopefully, um, if you're fortunate, it'll be at in your local kink poly um non-monogamous community. I just know from my experience, um, trying to talk to a therapist that doesn't understand any of those things, whether it's a group setting or one-on-one, just a wasted effort. I'm just gonna say that now. Uh you know, in this present time, I'm gonna say that could change in the future, but right now it's like don't do it. I I just had to educate multiple therapists on like polyamory stuff, and it's like, oh god, it's a way it's a waste of an hour. Just go find somebody that's non-monogamous and or into the kink world. Just save yourself some time or queer. That's just it just makes more sense that way, and it's less draining. Uh God. So, this is what inspired me to talk about this kind of stuff. One conversation with friends, two, conversation with potential people that were more vanilla, just just didn't get it, and then past experiences with certified professionals. It's like a love-hate relationship. Love, dislike relationship. Hate is a strong word. Love, dislike relationship with the whole therapy world, but I'm not gonna give up, and neither should you. Find yourself a therapist. I've heard horror stories and I've heard good stories. What's a non-horror word? The happy story, sure. Horror and happy story from people that have gone through therapy, but do not give up. Just because it doesn't work out 10-15 times, you gots to keep going, because it only takes one. Ever feel like shopping for a therapist is the same as trying to find a partner? Yes. Also, like trying to find a job. Uh, definitely could talk about that struggle uh altogether and how the Venn diagram very much um crosses over right in the middle with all those with those three topics in general. Ugh, hilarious. All right, that's it for now. I've stumbled through this topic as much as I can. This is HH Julius Marquise officially, or just Julius unofficially. This is Around the Kinky Campfire, new episodes, Thursdays. Uh, and then you'll hear the outro for all the contact information. Let me know how it's going for you. One, having friends and knowing too much. Welcome to the club, campsters, fellow campsters. Give me your rants and just tell me all the different things. When you gave up too much information, trying to be helpful, and it got rejected. Juhis knows. And two, tell me how that therapist search journey is going, and you can rant about that. I love hearing those stories. It's like, oh yeah, just try monogamy. Oh, fuck you. All right, that's it. Hello. That's a wrap for this episode of the Around the Kinky Campfire podcast. We love having you by the fire, and we'd love to hear from you. Got a kinky question, a TV story, or a topic you want us to cover? Slide into our DMs and send us a message at AroundTheKinky Campfire, Campfire with a K at yahoo.com. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review wherever you're listening. Your support helps keep the flames burning and the conversations flowing. Follow us on Twitter, Kinky Campfire, Campfire with a K, YouTube Around the Kinky Campfire, Campfire with a K, or Instagram, CampfireKinksters, Campfire with a K. To stay in the loop, join the community and keep the kink alive between episodes on Thursdays. Until next time, stay safe, stay sexy, and keep that fire burning.