Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast
Kink, Geeky, C-NM and all things in-between. Working to make Kink and Non-Monogamy no longer a stigma. New episodes Thursdays.
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Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast
Navigating Tough Talks: Reimagining Communication, Gender Roles, and Vulnerability | Pillow Fort Sessions EP 36
Ever found yourself tongue-tied when it comes to navigating the trickiest conversations in your relationship? We're tackling those moments head-on, from chatting about money woes to discussing whether or not kids are part of your future. Even while battling a stubborn flu, I’m diving into the art of open dialogue with partners, helping you to foster healthier, more fulfilling connections. Together, we’ll explore why many relationships stumble over these communication hurdles and how you can learn to handle such challenges with grace and confidence.
Have you ever thought about the difference between a good rant and a productive conversation? In a world where expressing frustrations can sometimes feel like shouting into the void, we’re dissecting how to turn venting into valuable communication. We'll be unpacking the role traditional masculinity plays in shaping how we express ourselves and advocating for a shift towards more honest and supportive interactions. By addressing unspoken observations and embracing vulnerability, we can eliminate misunderstandings and strengthen our relationships.
There's something to be said for the insights gained from platonic friendships with women. In our exploration of gender communication and stereotypes, we’re challenging traditional gender roles and breaking free from the constraints of toxic masculinity. From cultural expectations about appearance to the evolving landscape of queer and heteronormative spaces, our conversation aims to foster a more inclusive and empathetic society. So, gather around the Kinky Kampfire with me, HH Julius, as we share stories, laughs, and a peaches and cream fruit tart sour beer.
Got a burning question about kink, BDSM, relationships, and/or navigating the wild world of alternative lifestyles?
Send in your questions. No topic is too taboo, no curiosity too small! We’re all making mistakes, growing, and exploring together!Submit your questions anonymously at aroundthekinkykampfire@yahoo.com or slide into our DMs at Twitter-KinkyKampfire, YT-AroundtheKinkyKampfire, IG-KampfireKinksters. Let’s keep the fire going!
Come let us know what you think on IG - https://www.instagram.com/kampfirekinksters/
Welcome back everybody. I am back now. Still kind of sick, took a break last week, but we are back again. We are back again. If you can't tell because of my voice sounds kind of weird, but this is your host Senior Taco Knuckle, colonel McBee, fresno, bob the Cuddle, gigolo, hh Julius or Julius, if you're not feeling so fancy, I am back again. I have survived.
Speaker 1:It's been almost like a week and a half now that I'm still fighting these things, this disease that's going around this time of year, this flu getting a little bit better. But I'm here today for another exciting topic, and before I get into that topic, y'all know what time it is. It is the ASMR five minutes that went down to like a minute, then to like 30 seconds and now it might be even five seconds. But I am drinking gotta drown the flu. Probably early to be drinking something, but I wanted to drink something today because it is a adult beverage kind of night still not sponsored though, but, but I am drinking Urban Artifact, peaches and Cream. It got me a little multi-pack and I got to tell you right now not sponsored, but out of all the drinks we've been drinking, I am telling you right now this one I would definitely whore myself out to get a sponsorship, for I have been drinking this whole 12-pack pretty much by myself, and these things are like water.
Speaker 1:How much is in this? 7.1 alcohol. Peaches and cream flavor too. And I drink these cans and I don't even notice that's how bad. I go to like two and I'm like how many did I drink? I don't even notice that's how bad. I go to like two and I'm like how many did I drink? I don't even remember. These things are tasty. I tell you what Tasty. Four different flavors in there. They all taste pretty darn good. Peaches and cream, I mean it's good as a regular soda. Now you got a special adult drink, nitro. I'm telling you what.
Speaker 1:Okay, without further ado, let me go and get this ASMR. Five seconds started. Ooh, that's chili. That is chili. That is a cold can right there, all kinds of condensation forming on that can, but it is delicious. Pieces of cream, urban Artifact, I'm liking you right now. This stuff is delicious. It wants you to know this dairy-free nitro fruit tart. Yeah, delicious.
Speaker 1:Okay, on to the topic. I think I bs'd for long enough here, I'm sure a whole two minutes or whatever. It was. Today's topic broadly about communication. But of course this is a relationship podcast. It dabbles in the taboo making it better for you and hopefully less taboo at some point, helping people out, getting all their kink relationships, the non-monogamous relationships, the queer, queer relationships, geek relationships uh, hopefully a little bit better.
Speaker 1:And I just want to talk about communication here, main, less broad topic being able to have those difficult conversations, because y'all know, all of us do. I had to talk about this because I listened to another uh, friend, I guess we were friends some another podcaster I know that has a relationship podcast talking about breakups, trying to catch up to. This is an older episode but I was listening to it. I was like I feel that hundred percent and having difficult conversations is one of the things that people cannot do because we were not taught it as kids growing up. Gotta Got to have those difficult conversations and I was thinking about like breaking up, not particularly right now, but thinking of breakups. Being an adult, that is one thing. That's sadly something you just have to go through. I had to feel defeatist like that, but it's like we all had to go through break reps as adults and I say all once again, just super generalization, but it is what it is Still sounding defeatist. Well, hopefully, with some of the skills that you guys hear about on this podcast, you will learn to work on those good habits. But difficult conversations. What am I talking about by that? Do you understand what I'm saying by having difficult conversations? You know the feeling. I know you do, because we've all had the feeling, but are we able to bring that up with our partners and be able to talk about that kind of stuff? So, just ruminating on my previous thing or the stuff that's going on. So, speaking of breakups, let's talk about this stuff.
Speaker 1:Okay, so a lot of people talk about breakups in a lot of different relationship podcasts and non-relationship podcasts and coaches and whatnot. But do we know a lot of the main breakup reasons? I hope some people I hope we know a lot of the main breakup reasons. I hope a lot. Some people hope we know some some of these things. Of course, there's the money thing again, cheating another big one, uh, which comes from lack of trust, lack of respect.
Speaker 1:I don't even know how to say that, but there's usually a reason for cheating at some point. Of course, usually it's due to sex People not getting what they sexually need or want in a relationship so you'll find it somewhere else. It could be emotional cheating you could not have your partner be empathetic to your needs and be understanding and all that and you got to go find that with somebody else and that leads to sex. But the cheating we know about. I don't understand what the difference between infidelity and cheating. There's all different kinds of those kind of stuff the abuse, misdirected anger, lack of support, being jealous maybe your partner's doing better in life, work, all that than you are and you take it out on them's very sad, okay, bad behaviors being toxic, money disagreements okay. So usually it's the cheating, the money and the kids not being on the same boat with all those kinds of things.
Speaker 1:And I've perused the reddits and just the videos and everything about relationships and hear people complaining about like those issues and especially like stuff with like kids and and it's like why do people not have this conversation before they get together, like do you agree on kids? And it's like wow, and also in like an unusual situation, just watching like 90 day fiance or something like that, or married at first sight, it's like I understand the whole premise of the show, but then you guys decide to get engaged or plan to get married, but then don't get to talk about kids. But like people in real life do that too. They just get married and then they don't talk about these things. It's like do you have a savings plan? Let's talk about debt? That's another thing. They don't. I don't see this on the list either. Talk about money disagreements, but if you go into a marriage with debt, that's a, that's a big flag as well. Um, I want to say like red flag, but you know, to each their own. I would consider that a red flag. Going into a marriage and you got, you got, you don't know, you all ain't on the same page about money and longterm planning and all those kinds of things. Uh, maybe you should talk about that, that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:Now I want to talk about difficult conversations, not just with specifically with breakups. I'm just saying for me, in my personal opinion, they lead to breakups If you can't have these conversations and talk about the little things. A lot of these things are a bunch of little things that add up to one big thing, and that's what happened in my previous relationships that ended. A lot of little things didn't get talked about, couldn't have the difficult conversation, assumptions, and you know how Julius feels about those doggone assumptions. Got to get rid of those things, ugh, ugh. We don't want to, just don't even want to talk about them. Gotta talk about the assumptions, get rid of them. Ridiculous yeah. So gotta have those difficult conversations to avoid those breakups. Those little things. Let's see here, okay.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, the lack of support is another one too. That, uh, surprised me as being a common thing when people break up. When you have a partner, partners, and you are trying to do something in your life, and that partner is not supporting you, how do you stay with that person? No, that's extreme. Have a conversation first, but it's like I'm trying to be the best badminton player in the land and your partner doesn't want to do anything with it whatsoever. That's kind of um, that's just a lack of support. I understand people. You know they have their own hobbies. You should have your own hobbies as well. But if it's like a passion of yours and you can't get support with it, you know somebody wants to be the best D&D DM ever with their buddies and make it a whole national campaign, like literally, and your partner doesn't want anything to do with it, that might be an issue, something probably going on there that needs to be talked about. That kind of stuff. Lack of support that was one thing. Communication issues, cheating money, kids cool. Lack of support Would not have thought that was a thing until I became more of an adult.
Speaker 1:I'm not all the way an adult. Thing. Until I became more of an adult, I'm not all the way an adult. Every year I'm more of an adult. I'm not a full adult yet that's what it always feels like every year. Every time a birthday comes around, it's like I'm how old again. And I'm starting to feel it now, because it's like, less than two months away, it's like, oh, not another one, I still feel like a child.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and they have a lack of trust on here too. Like I feel like when you're getting together, you should have trust, and then you lose the trust. It's like, yeah, that's kind of a big deal If you start not trusting your partner anymore, that's yeah, you're not going to stay together for very long and then helping you know your communication skills will stop arguments, that kind of thing. And yeah, you gotta, you gotta, talk about this stuff. I don't even know if I want to mention the sex part, because that's talked about so much, and I understand this is a relationship podcast, but we should be able to communicate about sex and sexual needs. And of course, we've, you know, talked about it before, where people get into like a decade plus relationship and then all of a sudden they're like, oh, I'm open or oh, I've been poly this whole time. It's like y'all ain't talked about this. This is what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:People. We got to avoid these kind of things just by having a simple conversation talk, talk about your wants and needs. Do we all have a needs and wants list? We should have this going into relationships. Why are we not having these conversations before we make long-term commitments to people? We should be doing this. I don't understand why we got gotta break down those barriers and have these conversations.
Speaker 1:You are being intimate with this person. You're living with this person. Some people are sharing finances with their persons and can't have a conversation about needs and wants in the bedroom. Gotta be able to hey, you like anal, you like anal, you know, saying, go ahead and talk about that. Um, and you know I'm a big non-monogamous supporter. Uh, but if you are a monogamous person and you're not getting your sexual needs met, then yeah, get, get, get on that needs and wants list and figure out if the person might be for you. Um, anal isn't at the top of my list. You know, feed isn't at the top of my list, but some people need that kind of stuff. So it's like, hey, let's's, let's have this uh conversation and um, see if we can negotiate something. Can't negotiate something? I guess it's time to break up.
Speaker 1:And breaking up, you know, doesn't have to be a bad thing, could be a good thing. When one door closes, another door opens that whole deal. You know, hey, could happen. That way you might be able to find somebody that's I don't want to use. You know, comparative language could happen. That way you might be able to find somebody that's I don't want to use comparative language, but it could be better than your previous relationship. You never know, that kind of stuff happens. So, yeah, let's have these conversations.
Speaker 1:People, I'm going to help you here. Your guru, sherpa Julius, here, is going to help you have those better conversations. State what you want, state what you need and then go from there. Nobody is a mind reader. Okay, people don't have ESPN. That's not a thing, miss Cleo.
Speaker 1:Psychics, I mean people like to say they are psychics and pay psychics, like that stuff doesn't exist, people, you have to be able to speak what's on your mind and then the other person, hopefully, will be able to take that and listen to what you're saying and then come to a compromise. That kind of thing, just, man, the unspoken stuff that people they should know. I mean, you've heard me rant about this over and over again, many, multiple times. So, yeah, just, and you've heard me talk about good communication skills. Just, you know, that's it. We gotta work on that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm getting very, um, getting very serious on this topic because it's like I'm like heating up I was cool, now I'm warm, starting to sweat a little bit because it's like gotta have these difficult conversations. I don't know how many times I gotta keep telling y'all this gotta have these difficult conversations, got to have these difficult conversations and sometimes you know you just gotta be able to get something off your chest without your partner trying to fix it, trying to judge you for it. You just need a good validation. How's you gonna get that good validation except for doing it with your partner? You know what our parents didn't. You know most us parents didn't really do it too well, but got to have a partner that's able to do that. So you might have to teach your partner how to do this. But good validation you know what. I understand what you're going through. I feel similar in similar situations, but I want you to know I will always be there for you. Just a rough example of good validation that you can have with a partner Just be able to sit with them and listen and then take it in without trying to fix it.
Speaker 1:You ain't got to do nothing, just got to listen. That's it. Somebody has to get something off the chest. Just got to get a good rant going. Just listen to what they got to say.
Speaker 1:And I say for me the difference between a rant and complain. Rant is something you can't do anything about. Complain about traffic on the highway? You can't do anything about it, or you just, you know, leave earlier, leave later, one of the two, but otherwise there's going to be traffic on the highway. That's that most major cities is going to be traffic there, rather than complain about something you can fix. Oh, I'm 20 pounds overweight. Well, make better choices. How about that? Made that sound real simple. But y'all know what I'm talking about. Everybody struggles with their weight and that's a thing. Too much processed fucking food out there having to deal with. I need less choices. That's what I need less choices. But that's the difference between a rant and complain.
Speaker 1:Some people just need to rant, get it off their chest, get those emotions out. And what better time to do it than with a partner? You know, that's all I'm saying. Be able to talk about it with your partner, get it out and all that. And we should be able to do that for each other. That's another thing for the needs want list right there being able to rant, just be able to get it out. Okay, able to rant, just be able to get it out. Okay, get rid of those assumptions, people. You know Julius doesn't like those assumptions and once again, people can't read your mind. So just go ahead and say it. How much effort is it actually putting you through? How much effort are you actually using up? If you just go ahead and say it and make sure everybody's on the same page, how difficult is that? Can't be that difficult, because you're talking, we all talk. Just go ahead and say it. What's wrong with that? Say it. Stop the assumptions.
Speaker 1:Number one way put it out there, speak your truth. That's all you got to do. Speak your truth, okay, and you know what it could be considered disrespectful to overlook somebody's something. You see it right there. I don't know, somebody got a booger in their nose or something like that. You will let them walk out the house with a booger in their nose. That could be seen as disrespectful. Just go ahead and say it hey, you got a hairoger in their nose or something like that. You will let them walk out the house with a booger in their nose. That could be seen as disrespectful. Just go ahead and say it hey, you got a hair coming out your ear that looks like a spoiled zucchini noodle, I don't know. And you let them walk out the house like that. Oh, it's terrible. Something stuck in your tooth and you didn't say anything. That's your partner. That's just messed up. That's just messed up why you let them do that. Don't let them do that. Walk out the house like that, that's you know. That's not even right. But I'm just saying.
Speaker 1:Going around talking about making all these random examples here is because all this stuff has happened to me in the past and it's like those little things lead to breakups. Just go ahead and say it. You don't know if it's disrespectful or not, but you know, had that difficult conversation. You don't want to say somebody got a booger hanging out their nose, just go ahead and do it. It could be embarrassing, but guess what? Now they don't got a booger in their nose and everybody's looking at them, laughing or something. Just be that person to do it, especially for your partner. Why would you not do that for your partner? It doesn't make any sense. It does not make any sense.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I want to talk about something related to communication, but I haven't talked about it before. Now I identify present. I present as masculine and I was raised as AMAP. Okay, so, growing up now, boys communicated a certain way. Most of us communicated for a lot of our childhoods, going into our adulthood a certain way. I don't want to make excuses for it. I just want to make it apparent that men and women, boys and girls, grew up communicating differently.
Speaker 1:I will say for me and for just a little hot tip for the boys out there that don't know how to talk to women, like, why I don't understand how to talk to women, go get you a female friend, non-sexually. Go get you a platonic female friend. I will tell you that right now. That helped my communication skills tremendously because I was like, oh, you can communicate this way and not be made fun of. This is definitely a boy thing to do. To make fun of somebody for expressing emotions or something like that. It's like, wow, okay, ask for more details. That's something that, uh, boys don't do. Just uh, give the, give the facts, with no emotional backing or nothing behind it. It's like, oh, interesting, that's how we do things. Huh, yeah, that's very interesting when you have a female friend and you learn that for the first time.
Speaker 1:It took me until like my 30s. That's how late. I was a late starter. Hopefully y'all are doing a little bit better than I am, but I'm talking especially those ones that consider themselves or label themselves as incels. It's like, yeah, you guys have no idea how it is to relate. You got to go out there and get you a female platonic friend and figure that out.
Speaker 1:Now I'm being very general, like gender, normative and binary, but it's like hard to speak from the queer side because people are raised a certain way, so it's those kind of actions and that uh, and it's kind of hard to explain. There's certain behaviors and communication styles that happen based on how you were raised, so good for you, people that had a very good communication example. Let's just say that growing up, yeah, masculine type stuff out there is. How do I, at this point point as your Sherpa, help explain, without mansplaining, the male experience growing up? Because, yeah, we get a lot of the female experience is out there and usually it's a lot of. You're getting hit with a lot of offers and you had to like shoot some down and get some better stuff, but on the male side it's like you're not talking to a bunch of people all the time. You might get one good conversation if you're out there in the dating world and you have to be the pursuer. There's a big difference between the pitching and catching and I want both sides to have a fair shake on there. Let me put that that way, okay, especially being, you know, gender fluid. I don't have a particular side, I just want all the facts to be out there. You know I want to talk about my experience growing up.
Speaker 1:Okay, poc, male out there, that kind of culture, not a lot of emotional um communication, a lot of stating facts, a lot of getting picked on like a lot of making fun of got a lot of like uh, got male traits, masculine, toxic, toxic masculinity out there. Uh, I know it was like after I got into the kink in queer spaces where you know guys are hugging each other. Usually it was just like you, you know, you do the dap thing and yeah, I can't be hugging too long, or none of that kind of stuff. Luckily now, modern times, that is more acceptable for one man to hug another man, everybody just hugging everybody, that kind of thing. I'm glad that's more accepted nowadays.
Speaker 1:It's like, uh, that was, yeah, that was something I had to get used to as I got older. But 20 years ago it was different for me than the people that are in their 20s now. 20 years ago, when I was in my 20s, it wasn't quite like that all the time in the culture I was raised in. Yeah, so I don't want to come off as like trying to excuse the behavior. I'm just telling you how my experience was. That's all there was to it, and we had a lot of different like men and women stuff like drinks yeah, like men and women stuff like drinks and yeah, the I mean you got clothes and shoes, of course, yeah, that kind of stuff, but it's just like the quote-unquote men and women stuff and like how your hair supposed to be done, like when I was growing up didn't have a lot of guys with long hair and that wasn't looked on. Or women women with short hair, bald-headed, yeah, that kind of stuff. It's like, nah, now we don't have to really deal with that so much, but it's still kind of prevalent, especially in the heteronormative spaces. Oh, and then body hair that's another one too. It's like you gotta be metrosexual if you're a guy and you shave your body hair. It's like no, no, let's not even, let's not even talk about that anymore. Oh, and then also like house duties. You have the men and the outside taking care of the outside of the house and you have women taking taking care of the inside of the house. Let's just do away with all that stuff. Now. People just do what they want to do. How about that? How about that? Yeah, I don't even know.
Speaker 1:I have to figure out a way how to explain this to everybody so they understand what I'm talking about. I want to go fully in. I really do Just how it was growing up as a boy. Back then, boys couldn't cry. You had to hold on to your emotions. The only one that was acceptable was anger and that type of thing. Then everybody's like, oh, poor man, because male privilege and everything like that that's a thing too. But it's like there's still like men, crying is seen as kind of awkward still and it's like can we just do away with that? But that's very much on the hetero side, don't have to deal with that as much on the queer side. I wish I would like perpetuate everywhere that kind of thing. It's like I I still don't really know how to cry. I've only cried like once it was from a breakup, so that kind of goes back into.
Speaker 1:It's called back to earlier in the episode here, but now I, you know, I don't know, I don't even know how to feel about it. I want to talk about more of this as I go on to my um gender fluid journey and showing more feminine traits and it's like why are some of these traits considered feminine and why are these traits, some of these traits, called considered masculine? How about? It's just all healthy? How about that? That kind of thing? Can we um make that dividing line a little bit grayer in the middle there, less, less like everybody's staying to one side or the other. Let's let's not do this anymore. Doesn't make any sense. But that's all part of the communication realm that we're talking about. I know this episode wasn't too concise.
Speaker 1:I'm still recovering from sickness. I'll go ahead and blame it on that. But we'll see how the rest of the year turns out and hopefully I can stay healthy for at least a few weeks in there. The stupid weather is not helping anything. I don't know where it is in the rest of the country, but down here in the good old state of florida it's hot, it's cold. It's hot, it's cold. It's like. This is not. This is not good for my health, not good for my health at all. But hopefully we can uh get a streak going. But once again, this is around the kinky Campfire, the Pillow Fort Sessions. This is your host. Taco Knuckle, the Cuddle Gigolo, colonel McBee, hh Julius, here with the Urban Artifact. Once again, not sponsored. It's peaches and cream fruit tart. Oh, sour is delicious, so good. My catch is again most Thursdays broke the street, but unfortunately this is how it is most Thursdays new episodes on all major platforms, podcasting platforms. That's all for now. Hello.