Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast
Kink, Geeky, C-NM and all things in-between. Working to make Kink and Non-Monogamy no longer a stigma. New episodes Thursdays.
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Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast
This Year Thus Far: Taking a Little Break From the Deep Dives | Pillow Fort Sessions EP 22
What truly distinguishes solitude from loneliness, and how can meditation help us navigate this emotional landscape? Join Julius on the latest episode of the Pillow Ford Sessions, as we explore these profound questions and delve into the world of self-awareness and personal growth. Julius shares his personal journey into polyamory, revealing the importance of managing expectations, understanding differences, and fostering genuine connections in relationships. This episode encourages listeners to embrace self-reflection and accept imperfections, offering valuable insights into nurturing meaningful relationships.
Ever felt your social skills could use a boost? Julius offers practical advice on improving sociability by putting away those ever-distracting phones and headphones. Learn how stepping out of your comfort zone through activities like volunteering and initiating simple greetings can significantly enhance your social confidence. Additionally, discover Julius's exciting plans for expanding content creation with the Kampfire Kinksters community on Instagram, focusing on interviews about BDSM, kink, and polyamory. With personal anecdotes and practical tips, this episode is a treasure trove of strategies to build meaningful connections, both online and offline.
Got a burning question about kink, BDSM, relationships, and/or navigating the wild world of alternative lifestyles?
Send in your questions. No topic is too taboo, no curiosity too small! We’re all making mistakes, growing, and exploring together!Submit your questions anonymously at aroundthekinkykampfire@yahoo.com or slide into our DMs at Twitter-KinkyKampfire, YT-AroundtheKinkyKampfire, IG-KampfireKinksters. Let’s keep the fire going!
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Welcome everyone back to the podcast. That is kinky the podfire. That is amazing around the kinky campfire. The Pillow Ford Sessions, the pillow ford sessions this is your host el comidine, cuddle, gigolo, senior taco, knuckle, fresno, bob, or hh, julius, or just julius for short. These are the pillow ford sessions, where there will be a quickie session where I deep dive into a specific topic, get down to the nitty gritty, just me myself and I.
Speaker 1:I will have a topic of the day which I will go through and explain to you. Today's episode is going to be a little bit different, but I will get into that as I go through our favorite five seconds, the ASMRr five seconds. Today I'm drinking not sponsored sparkling ice caffeine tropical punch, which is amazing, zero sugar caffeine. Uh, energy drink uh, doing a bit of an energy drink today, as is early in the evening when I'm recording this and not ready for the adult beverages as of yet. But here we go. Three, two. I think I made it a whole five seconds there. Okay, let's get into this, because it'll be a little bit different. Not really a specific topic per se, I am just going to talk about random topics over the year. I want to talk about trying to get more episodes weekly instead of every other week, just to see how that goes, and then go from here.
Speaker 1:So this will come out the day after 9-11. It's been so many years now 23 to be exact but yeah, the 12th 12th of September, I don't know about y'all there's been a lot of rain in our area. It's raining, raining, raining like crazy. So just want to go over the year so far, just so y'all know. I don't know if you guys really want to hear any of this, but I got stuff to say Okay, the year so far. So we've had a little bit of a break. As you can see, it's been mostly me going along, but I want to try a little something different going on into the next year, hopefully, get some guests coming in here and get my interview skills going so you guys can enjoy that.
Speaker 1:Do a little bit of riffing. I don't even know if this episode is going to be as long as it usually is. It's just interesting because I've done a bit of a uh, a soul journey, solid solitudinal solo journey, uh, at this year so far. Um, just trying to get into solitude. You heard me speak before about solitude versus loneliness. So, yes, we want to deep dive into the solitude.
Speaker 1:Meditation is a thing I probably should do an episode on that, just to get meditation from my point of view. So many different types of meditation that people don't realize there's over 100 different types of meditation. So if you are one of those people that are naysayers of meditation, it's like maybe you're just more self-aware than other people, but it's like that's practice for being uncomfortable, so get comfortable being uncomfortable. Whole point of meditation is going to a place that you are uncomfortable being. I mean, most of us just have trouble just sitting for like five seconds, let alone five minutes. Hopefully you get to, like you know, 20, 30 minutes. That's usually the goal, about as long as you need to meditate for positive effects. So say the smart people.
Speaker 1:I'm just passing along information. It's named Julius. If you all don't know, julius comes from a little game called Paperboy on the NES, original Nintendo Entertainment System. Paperboy was named Julio, people don't know. So I just took it from that because I'm not all the way Spanish. I'm part Spanish but not all the way. So Julius was part of the thing. So that is my male persona, julius, and uh, yeah, so that's where I get that from, but that's all part of my solo journey that I've been doing so far. For the most part have my ups and downs with the poly life, but 100% glad that I found poly life so far Learning new things, trying to develop better habits, learning from before and past mistakes. Basically, when you're man how do I put this concisely?
Speaker 1:When you're going to meet somebody new, there's different things going on. When you're going to meet somebody new, there's different things going on and a lot of people assume that they're going to meet somebody male, female or other. However you define yourself, it's usually an expectation that the person you're going to meet is already perfect and it's like no, that's not how it works. You got to calibrate when you meet new people. I see a lot of people on podcasts or whatever and these are smart people saying this okay, people have this false expectation going in and we talked about this before many times on this podcast. Expectations are terrible for the most part. So when you're meeting somebody new, they're not going to be perfect. You got to calibrate when you meet that new person and then they got to you know, work with you and the whole goal whole goal is to find somebody that pulls up with your weirdness and a lot of times people have expectations going to relationships and it's like, oh, you know they, they can't be that weird or all these kind of different judgments going on with somebody just a little bit different than you. It's like no, that's not how it works, that's not what you should be doing.
Speaker 1:Uh, when you get to know somebody for the first time and me, being polyamorous, usually happens a few times a year and there's different expectations going in and I had a whole different viewpoint on polyamory when I first got into it. Like everybody had to be a girlfriend or them friend I'm coining the term them friend Everybody had to be a them friend at some point in time. But being new to relationship anarchy, at that point in time and you guys just heard recently in my episode me talking about relationship anarchy when I first came across it it didn't really make too much sense to me and there was a lot of trial and error when I got into it and finally realized what was going on with the relationship anarchy and it was like, oh, this is how this should go. There should be no expectations. Like I said in that episode, no expectations. And over the past year or so I've been working on personal standings and then also relationship standings and taking more metrics. I cannot stress the need for metrics.
Speaker 1:Take note Do self-awareness training If you don't know how you feel. This is my personal judgment. If you don't know how you feel at a given certain time or a specific situation, you can't vocalize your feelings, then that's a deficit you have. You should really work on those kind of skills when it comes to that will help you greatly in life. I'm not saying everybody needs to, but yeah, I'm telling you right now there's not a negative in knowing that. So at any point when you know how you're feeling in certain situations, you can vocalize that. It's just going to be a net positive in general. So I'm just letting you know that's how I feel about the whole thing and I know for myself I've tested that myself and it has proven to be true time and time again Knowing Tested that myself and it has proven to be true time and time again Knowing how you're feeling and taking note of your self-awareness and mental state and all that and any given situation is very helpful for mental stability and also social relationship.
Speaker 1:It's like interacting with other people. There we go. That's better words. So as far as that's concerned, I've been taking the time to do that myself and taking stock in the different relationships that I have. That, hey, not everybody is going to be like a super serious. I mean doing solo poly. I never expect anybody to be like a nesting partner, but I'm not not against it. Let's just say that I am solo poly, but there is. I'm not against having kids and marriage and living with somebody and sharing finances and all that. I just have not had the desire. I don't even know what to call it. There's not been an external motivation for me to do that. You know it's in the realm of ghosts and aliens and religion. It's like show me proof and I'll believe it. I'm not against it. I'm not an atheist. When it comes to that type of thing, I'm not against it. I'm not an atheist. When it comes to that type of thing, I'm not against it. I am fully agnostic. I'm outcome agnostic, all the different agnostics.
Speaker 1:So take time to take time for yourself. Take time to take time for yourself. I said that correctly. Take stock of what you're going through and make a note of it. Metrics, take notes.
Speaker 1:Writing, as they say, is a good form of taking notes for one and also getting the truth out of you. I mean, it's been proven. Don't take my word for it. Go look it up for yourself. Good Lord, why are you listening to me in the first place?
Speaker 1:There are studies that show that writing is easier for you to get the real parts out of it. There's less of a filter, less of a wall up there. A lot of us filter what we say all the time and sometimes our thoughts don't come out like we want them to. But writing apparently is a lot easier for free thinking and getting all the truth out and all the stuff that you have buried in. So journaling is a big thing, writing a diary, all those different things. So I know I need to take notes at times because I just forget what I'm going to say, whether I'm going to talk about something or write it down. So notes are very helpful for me and also remembering where I put those notes.
Speaker 1:Hey, neurospice people, you know what I'm talking about Books and books and sticky notes and everything. And it's like what does this all mean afterwards? It's just a blah. So I've just taken time over this year or so to step back. I don't know how to step back, not rush ahead, go in turtle mode rather than rabbit mode when it comes to developing relationships. Just let them be Working on those expectations, because a lot of that stuff, unfortunately, is a habit.
Speaker 1:It is a habit that was reinforced early or not reinforced. I didn't really get relationship training growing up, so it kind of sucks. I know my mental state and what relationships look like to me was reinforced. I didn't really get relationship training growing up, so it kind of sucks. So I know my mental state. What relationships look like to me was very much like a tv, a sitcom, so it was like oh, you're supposed to joke with your partner, mess with your partner, crack jokes with your partner. It's like no, no, actually I probably should not be doing that more like cheerleading for your partner and I know a lot of people don't like realize this and it's like a newer concept. It's like two, a couple of concepts that are newer.
Speaker 1:Like when your partner is, it's a rant. When they rant to you and tell you what's going on with their life, you don't need to fix anything, you know the best thing you can do is sit there and listen non-judgmentally to what they have to say and be like I hear you and that must be rough, and I am here for you. I hear you and I'm here for you, no matter what. You know, those few words, those couple of phrases are just all that they probably need to hear. That's it. They don't need to fix. We don't need to kill Donna at the office Cause she, you know, took, took your sandwich out the fridge and ate it herself or something I don't know, talk badly about you. There's, there's no need for fixers. That's not something. People need just be able to get stuff off your chest, vocalize it, connect, you know that way, and then move on from there and that's it. Oh, over and over again, really, and that's all they need. Uh, I know that's one thing I had to like, experiment, get wrong and then realize oh okay, that's how that works.
Speaker 1:I don't know about y'all, but Julius is very much hard-headed. So even if somebody tells me something this is why spoilers for movies and TV shows don't work on me because you can tell me all the details, I'll still go watch it that doesn't do anything for me. Spoil it all the way, I'll still go watch it for myself and make my own opinion, because usually most opinions, most spoilers, suck. They don't give all the information and I don't know if y'all know this, but they will regularly put scenes in trailers that are not in the actual movie. There has been a known thing for now if you have not been paying attention, that's on you. But 100 been a thing and still going on. I mean deadpool, wolverine. They had a couple in the trailer. Well, that was not in the movie, so I don't care about spoilers or anything like that.
Speaker 1:Tell me all that I'm hard-headed. I need to go try it for myself, see if it works. You can tell me all you want, like I can go to schooling for it, but I'm still going to try it for myself. It can be like a proven thing. I need to figure out the law, it to be true. I don't know. That's how hard-headed I am. Slightly a joke, but also kind of partially true, like a 2080 type of thing.
Speaker 1:So my dating life has been slow at times, just letting things kind of develop on their own, see if feelings generate or not, and just trying not to reinforce all those bad habits, which is usually due to insecurity especially. I know that for myself as well and I'm starting to be able to see it in other people, but it's not my job to like correct them, only help them if asked. No unsolicited advice is a horrible, horrible habit to have and people should stop doing that really. And nobody asked for your opinion or help or anything. So you know, go ahead and let that. And I know some people are like, well you know, no, no, I don't. I've taken stock of my energy and that is a deficit on my part to do that. So if it's not going to be beneficial to somebody, then I'm not. I'm just not going to do it. Also, I've started volunteering in different spaces more often, just trying to get out of my social shell Speaking of social shell, just trying to get out to events and just actually talk to people, instead of put my phone up or something.
Speaker 1:That's one of the things that the smart people say If you're trying to be more sociable, put your phone away, do not bury your face in your phone. If you see somebody on your phone, you know what I'm saying. Just take it from a different point of view If I give them somebody a different point of view. If you see somebody on your phone, you probably don't want to go up and talk to them because they're on their phone. So that's like a stay away type of thing. And then also like people with their headphones in their ears. I understand like headphones are cool and everything, but that's another thing to like keep people away and stop talking to you when that's going on. So a lot of people you know going out there and trying to make friends, like a friend deficit. There's people in the millennials out there, the Gen Zers, like I don't have any friends. This is because are you being sociable and also are you using the steps to work on social skills Skills again, I will say this over and over again I will beat this horse till it's dead and deader Social skills.
Speaker 1:They are learned behaviors, learned habits. You can work on them. People, this is a thing that can be done. I'll say this over and over, over and over again you can learn these things. You have to actually work on them.
Speaker 1:Talking to somebody recently and it's like I went out and got a hobby and I still didn't. I was like I have so many more questions. I have so many more questions. What exactly out a hobby? And I still didn't. I was like I have so many more questions. I have so many more questions. What are you? What exactly are you doing? And then it's always the thing again I practice, I practice, I practice and nothing changes. It's like are you informed practicing? Are you going back and looking at the quote unquote game film and seeing what exactly you're doing wrong? Are you changing anything? Are you just doing the same thing over and over again? I will say again doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Pretty sure I've said that a few times on this podcast.
Speaker 1:People don't understand this. It's like oh okay, that's very interesting, you tried, but did you do an informed practice? Got to look back and see what you did and try different things? It's not doing the same thing over and over. It's not really going to help. Got to oh boy, you got to have informed practice. It's just one of those things.
Speaker 1:Is man, it's hard to get through and I want to applaud the people that go out and try different things in first place. You know, good job on that. Yes, please I don't want to sound condescending or anything Actually make note to say good job on that, but we got to eventually at some point. I mean, try for a couple years, I guess, and then see what happens, but eventually we gotta, we gotta, um, try new things and see if those work as well. Uh, I know, yeah, with the volunteering thing, it gives me more opportunity to be a social, especially if you're like hosting a thing or helping host a thing. It's like, oh okay, people are going to ask questions, which I like. Um, I will receive more questions than go and ask questions.
Speaker 1:I've always been a better like retail person service industry, where people come into a place and then they have questions and they're looking for something. I'm the go get it guy. I want to unlock the case and point you in the right direction. I'm not the person to go knock on somebody's door randomly, especially if it's their house, their home door. I'm not a salesman whatsoever. I do not sell anything. Ask me questions. I'm a kiosk. I will point and answer all those different things.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I'm not the one to go seek people in general. But I'm trying to learn how to do that. Just a simple hey, how you doing. I'm trying to learn how to do that. Just a simple hey, how you doing. I'm Julius and I like this and that I'm practicing making a note when I go out in social events, just at least saying, hey how you doing. I like your thing, whatever. Just give a little compliment. I'm Julius, nice to meet you. That is literally all you have to say. And it's a whole lot easier if it's actually just a specific social event, like social event. That's the whole point is people being social. Hopefully you can find a singles one in your area. That'd be nice too. But just going up and talking to people, that's it.
Speaker 1:Everybody has feelings. Yes, everybody's anxious and nervous and all those different kinds of things, self-deprecating ones, we all have those. I don't want to gloss it over. Those are feelings you have. But working on habits and developing skills, we still do the thing, even though we feel bad. So if you're out anyways, might as well make a little progress. At least talk to one person, one random person you did not know. Hopefully I mean bartenders and stuff, bar staff kind of count, but not really. You really want to talk to a random person? If at all possible, just say hi, whether they shrug you off or not, at least you did something, congratulations. Uh, so that's what I've been working on, specifically social skills.
Speaker 1:I did not realize how bad socially I had regressed over the years. I would like to blame it on the relation. I can't blame it on relationships. That's me being lazy. When I'm in relationships it's like I have multiple partners, I don't have to talk to anybody, but it's like, ooh goodness, that's terrible. We should work on that. And it's something I do want to work on. So I know it's common for people to run away from being uncomfortable. But specifically, working on habits, you're going to have to learn to be uncomfortable and that's what I've been having to do over the last year or so.
Speaker 1:I kind of went into social situations where interactions were not expected but happened more frequently. The chances of it happening were more frequent. I guess you could say, uh, enforced social interactions. People had to ask me questions cause I was in a place of authority quote, unquote, quote, unquote authority but they had to had to talk to me and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So I've learned also that, more externally motivated, when it comes to certain things oh goodness, that was a hard one to come to realization with it's like, oh God, I have very little internal motivation, I know for me, especially with like dieting or even exercise. It's like, oh God, I have very little internal motivation, I know for me, especially with like dieting or even exercise, it's like I don't care as much, but it's like an external it was almost an internal external motivation. My knees were hurting because I was so overweight and it's like, oh God, I need to quit this, so let me just go ahead and lose some of the weight, cause, yeah, that was uh, that was tough, uh, walking around that heavy. So now my knees feel better and my back feels better, those kinds of things. So I just learned that I've come in, come to terms with the fact that I'm more externally motivated that I'd like to be. Unfortunately, I feel like that's more of a nature versus nurture thing. I don't know how to change that or verify that. I got to look up a research paper on that. But yeah, that's a that's a hard thing to do. So going to things that give me external motivation is something I had to realize. I'll probably do a episode on that.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I've done motivation just as yet, but some people have that external motivation versus internal motivation type of thing and I feel for you people. Yeah, because those, those of us there are the ones that just kind of go to a job could be technically a career, but it's just we're doing. It is because and then don't really have anything going on at home. It's like oh man, we hobbies are a thing. People, even the smart people, say this as well. You should have a hobby, something you do for pleasure in their leisure. There's all different kinds of definitions.
Speaker 1:I just know for me I need something that holds me accountable on a weekly basis, because every other week is not enough. It needs to be at least weekly. And then somewhere I have to be scheduled time. It can't be just something that's up to me to do whenever I'm yeah, it doesn't work. I tried that for a couple of years. Just does not work. So having a routine gives me better mental stability. It's just something I need. And then also having a group of people count on me or need me there, that type of thing is just something that I've come to realize over the last year. So, with all of that, why is it relevant to y'all? I'm not really done, but I just want to stop right here and say why is relevant and why. I'm glad you've listened so far to me ranting, I guess, getting all those thoughts out, whatever you want to define it. This as is that.
Speaker 1:Uh, hopefully it'll be hearing more of me and more stuff going on in the content creation world. In the content creation world. If you've not gone onto the Instagram Campfire Kingsters, campfire with a K, please join on there because, yeah, if you've not been noticing, there has been more stuff going up. If nothing else, it'll be a trailer for the episode for the week, usually like Tuesday or Wednesday or so, before the snippet, a bite before the actual episode drops on Thursday. Still dropping episodes Thursdays, hopefully every Thursday. That would be nice, but stuff is evolving, so hopefully it'll be a little bit different, more so going on than just me talking.
Speaker 1:I would like to interview random people and their lifestyle journeys, especially if they're uh, doing relationship stuff and definitely going to be bdsm, kink stuff related. Uh, this feed, the the venn diagram, is going to be in there. There's going to be some some form of kink and bdsm there as well, so don't you worry about that. Even if they're not fully in the lifestyle, especially if they're a newbie to it, I will ask them questions and help them along in their journey. Hopefully be similar questions that you guys have.
Speaker 1:Uh, but I'm working on getting more stuff out there because I'm such a uh like a void person in general, still working on that as well over the last year, but being more vocal in general and just letting my inner thoughts come out and then working with other people and asking them questions. So building on those social stuff really helps with trying to ask people to do like interviews and guests and stuff like that. So that's why I wanted to talk about this kind of stuff with y'all working on those different things, not so much foreshadowing, just let you know what's going on in my mind and why I'm talking so much on the social stuff, especially with the dating stuff. Because I know for me all of that stuff is relevant for me as being a part of the polyamory community and I know on like the polyamory and the non-monogamy reddits, people always ask the question like I can't find partners, but my partner can, or I can find partners. I don't want to help my partner, but it's like, are they doing any of the skills? I would love to do like a deep dive, especially on like online dating and the dating apps in general, is like there's a certain way you got to do that. You just can't put anything on there and expect to get matches. That's not how that works and I'll just tell you right now. Those are people that identify as male and those people have identified as female. All have similar issues, so it's not just women can find all kinds of partners. No, that's not the type of thing I've found on the red Reddit that it's also the women that have trouble finding people as well, and it's like it's not a gender thing, it's a social thing. We've got to work on these social issues.
Speaker 1:People. You're not going to find partners if you're sitting around at home. That's not how it works. You've got to get out, and I'm not even saying that the smart people are saying that. I mean a lot of them have been married for years, so I don't know how. I mean they're going off of other studies too. That's the point. Now. There's actually papers and experiments done on this stuff.
Speaker 1:You can't be super social being sitting in the house all the time. You got to go out and meet people. I understand there's Discord and online communities and stuff, but it's not the same as going out and talking to somebody. You're not going to get the non-verbals and stuff like that. Talking on the microphone is not really going to help you with the non-verbals and actually like seeing the look on people's face.
Speaker 1:This is something I recently learned too. It's like, oh, that's why I knew something was off of just going and talking to people on the internet. You're not. You're not like you can't. You can't get non-verbal cues from people when you're talking to them over the video chat kind of helps, but it's like it's not the same as in person. You're not. I mean, especially these uh hyper-vigilant people like myself not have issues with all that. It's. It's hard to talk to somebody over over the internet, rather in person. Plus, you're going to be in a group of people, so there's usually going to be multiple people talking and then that skill of Like getting your opinion out like in a group of people and then interacting in a large group is going to be way different in person than it is online, just how it is. So hopefully can talk more on that because I will do episodes and deep dive on that as well.
Speaker 1:From a personal standpoint, especially because I've gone out and tried these things and I've taken notes for myself, it's like I've learned the different things from like the, the, the uh, experiments in the research stuff, and then also listening to people on podcasts and videos and all that and tick talks and all the, all those different things, shorts and everything, and it's like this is what you got to do to be more social. So I'm going to spread that to you guys and let you know that I am actually trying to myself. I just I I mean, I just haven't come across people that are going out there and trying it, except for quote-unquote pickup artists, and it's like, okay, that's a different kind of thing too, because you know those of us in the queer and the bdsm community doing things a little different. You know you're trying to just hook up and get numbers. It's like we're trying to, you know, go out, you might have partners or something like that. So it's a little bit different.
Speaker 1:So, from my perspective, as being part of these different communities and going out there especially the demisexual part of it, because I'm not trying to have sex with all different kinds of people, I'm more of a watcher than a doer. So that comes into play with that as well, the whole thing of not really trying to reject people, but it's like I'm not trying to have sex but or play with you, but we can have a conversation and talk about it later, maybe in a couple of weeks or something. We can touch skin however that comes across. Yeah, so there's that. That's pretty much all I have right now so far, and then next week, hopefully fingers crossed, or, if not, the week after, back into another deep dive specifically on a specific topic, specifically specific on a specific topic that's going on right now. Hopefully this was not just a rant and it was helpful to people knowing the stuff that's going on and the motivations for the, the episodes that you're hearing and getting all in there.
Speaker 1:I would just like to say this is still a Pillow Force Sessions. Specific Pillow Force Sessions are for practice on classes I'd like to teach, definitely going to be focusing on relationship, anarchy and primal. Y'all seem to like that. I've gotten a lot of good numbers from those episodes. So definitely going to talk more about that hot topic that people don't really know about, but doing more and more deep dives on that and coming up Might see like a PowerPoint presentation or something I don't know, ted Talk over. That's it for now. El Comidon, the Cuddle Gigolo, señor Taco Knuckle here, or HH Julius, or just Julius for short. This has been another episode of the Pillow Fort Sessions from around the Kinky Campfire podcast. Come check us out again. As I said before on Instagram, campfire Kingsters, campfire with a K, and most Thursdays there will be a new episode. Hopefully, we're going to keep our fingers crossed for the rest of the year. We'll see how that goes, but for now, hello.