Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast
Kinky, Queer, Non-monogamy, some geeky, and all things in-between. Working to make Kink and Non-Monogamy no longer a stigma. New episodes Thursdays!
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Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast
EP 44 | A Brief Touch On Relationship Phases (And Mostly A Rant)
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As we pop open a bag of nerd clusters, the playful banter sets the stage for an episode that's as much about the crinkle of candy wrappers as it is about the crunch of complex relationship dynamics. We're two peas in a podcast, bringing you a scoop of nostalgia with a nod to "A Knight's Tale" and Heath Ledger, served alongside a helping of heartfelt frustration at his too-soon departure from our screens. It's a rollercoaster ride from the giggles of an ASMR experience to the serious talk of how couples navigate the developmental dance of their relationships without stepping on each other's toes.
Have you ever wondered what makes a partnership thrive amidst the trials of individuality and cultural influences? We're peeling back the layers on that onion, discussing everything from the importance of maintaining self within a union to the unique challenges single-parent households face. No guest this time—just us, your trusty hosts, getting real about the intricacies of relationship phases and the expectations that come with them. We're not just musing over love; we're talking about the power of experiential learning versus formal education, especially when it comes to understanding the nuanced world of kink and BDSM.
To top it all off, we're stepping into the minefield of politics and morality, having a candid chat about how societal changes and political decisions can influence our private lives. From the colorful consequences of green donuts to the quirky traits that can make or break a partner's rating, we're laying it all out there. Whether you're an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere happily in the middle, this episode will leave you laughing, pondering, and maybe even nodding in agreement. So, recharge your headphones—this is one conversation you won't want to miss.
1/6/26
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1/6/26
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you're ridiculous. Can I get a nerd?
Speaker 2no, why no, I'm gonna cheer you guys fine, I'll use my drink.
Speaker 1I had my chips right now. I had goldfish.
Speaker 2I ran out, I'll give you one if you don't do your drink.
Speaker 1Which one you?
Speaker 2want nerd or a drink I need more than one. No, you only need one. Five, five, yeah Three.
Speaker 1It's got to make it a minute.
Speaker 2Three, four, three. I hate even numbers. Three and a half, there's no half. You hate even numbers. I hate even numbers.
Speaker 1What kind of neurodivergent person than you? They like even numbers how?
Speaker 2do you hate even?
Speaker 1numbers. I have a problem with you hating even numbers.
Speaker 2I hate even numbers. Oh my god, that's to be odd Nope, I need even Two. I can't do odd numbers Four If you like even numbers, I'll give you four, but you can't use your drink.
Speaker 1OCD, I'm going to take six now you better not I get four. You get four I can't do my drink, but I can drink my drink.
Speaker 2Not for ASMR, not happy, you got to choose.
Speaker 1I'll leave all this in there. Happy, I got four.
Speaker 2You got four.
Speaker 1Drink my drink normally, normally.
Speaker 2Don't you do it.
Speaker 1That was a normal drink.
Speaker 2Okay, uh-huh, that was a normal drink.
Speaker 1Okay, Welcome back everybody. I'm leaving all that in. We're making it very short, but I'm leaving it all in. We had a very simple negotiation. That was our negotiation minute and you guys got to hear what an example of a negotiation is Now that I'd be on board for Negotiation minute before every episode. We could just find somebody to negotiate On the table now. Oh, speaking of which fun games. Oh, speaking of which fun games I got a fun game for you.
Speaker 2Do your thing, and then we'll go into that.
Speaker 1Yeah this is the ranting episode. Okay, who are you?
Speaker 2This is Miss Rue. Guess who I am today.
Speaker 1I am Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein. I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Oh my God, You're killing me, bro. You never heard of A Knight's Tale. I'm Dylan and me, bro. You never heard of.
Speaker 2A Knight's Tale Going through all the dead people.
Speaker 1Oh wow, yeah, rest in peace, heath Ledger.
Speaker 2That's an old one.
Speaker 1So Eric von Lichtenstein, just watch that one too. It's a great movie. That's one of those ones I watch on a yearly basis.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1Because just fucking Heath man, why why?
Speaker 2It's my first rant. Why? Why, it's my first rant. Why Can we get this over with what? Oh you? No, I gotta build this up. Why.
Speaker 1Okay, so we did the intro. We have an intro now. Okay, and we're going into our ASMR minutes. Apparently, I'm not drinking anything. Nope, what are you drinking?
Speaker 2I'm drinking Peach Crown.
Speaker 1Peach Crown. Peach Crown.
Speaker 2And munching on some nerd clusters the blue ones, because the blue ones are better than the red ones in my opinion, very, very.
Speaker 1I didn't even know there was two different flavors, two different flavors. Nerds not sponsored Gummy clusters, sweet and yummy, tangy and crunchy. I will say that I would not normally get this but because I'm doing an ASMR minute and people love it.
Speaker 2A person loved it. People love it.
Speaker 1They're just not saying anything.
Speaker 2Are you going to do one at a time?
Speaker 1I'm going to do one at a time. We didn't negotiate that, so for the ASMR minute that's why I wanted five it's got to last the whole minute which is going to start in three, two, three, oh no, it doesn't crunch, it does crunch.
Speaker 2You better put all those in your mouth. You'll get more effect if you put them all in your mouth.
Speaker 1That's what she said. Do I sound like a bunny eating a watermelon?
Speaker 2No, nothing like a bunny. That's my favorite ASMR Bunnies. Don't go If you guys watch the In the middle of their bites. If you guys watch the.
Speaker 1They make a little noise. If you guys don't know, anything like that you guys don't know anything about bunny. You mean watermelon, asmr. Go look that up on youtube and then it'll take you down the rabbit hole.
Speaker 2Then you see, it is cute.
Speaker 1You watch a turtle eating a cantaloupe all right, cool and then you finish with the pit bull eating all the meat. I will say that it's very cute, but pit bull biting through a bone still very jarring, but still very cute, because the pit bull just sits there at the table. They make a little table for the pit bull. This actually went on a minute now. They used to do this more often.
Speaker 2I'll bring different snacks.
Speaker 1So gross.
Developmental Phases of Relationships
Speaker 2This is my favorite candy. Don't ruin it for me.
Speaker 1So, speaking of rants, do you know about mukbangs?
Speaker 2We've talked about this before. I've heard this. Yeah, yeah. People just eat in front of the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They eat in front of the thing, but the way that they eat is insane.
Speaker 1It depends on what it is, so you can eat a lot, or you can just eat something that's very tasty and go into it.
Speaker 2No, these people eat a lot, most people eat a lot.
Speaker 1Do you know how it started?
Speaker 2No.
Speaker 1It's because people. Well, why it started and became popular is because people in certain countries Do not like to eat by themselves. It's a very cultural thing to be eating with people, but you're isolated and you can't really eat with people.
Speaker 1So you turn on the YouTubes or whatever and you watch a video of somebody eating and that kind of does the thing for you, and people have started streaming now, so then you can listen to chat while you eat and stuff like that. If you all don't know, I'm a big old fat boy and I like my foods. I've been fasting, which is strange, but yet I can still eat a lot of food. I don't understand how that works. My stomach has shrunk as.
Speaker 1I have shrunk. I'm a shmedium now, from an extra, probably a double X down to a shmedium, but yet I can still eat. I've come to learn that the competitive eaters eat a lot as well, but they don't eat anything. They fast.
Speaker 2They fast, they fast, but yet they can still eat, and they can still eat. It takes a couple days for them to recover from what they eat too.
Speaker 1Yes, Because you're going from nothing to something like yogurt two days, and then all that. And then there's tiny people like, whatever gender, they're only about 150 pounds usually.
Speaker 2Yeah, they're itty bitty.
Speaker 1Yeah, so I'm going to start doing that. You'd see me making a YouTube channel, but I'm going to eat like this.
Speaker 2Yeah, the minute's over, you can stop.
Speaker 1This is for example now. This is AMR example.
Speaker 2This is going to be a rant episode.
Speaker 1You're about to start on the wrong side. You want to start on a rant here, okay, okay. So my rants here, and then we're going to finish with a fun game. I'm going to do a fun rants.
Speaker 1We don't need to do the whole hour, but I'm going to play a game which you probably I mean you do the Tik TOK thing, so it's been on Tik fun rant. We don't need to do the whole hour, but I'm going to play a game which you probably I mean you do the TikTok thing, so it's been on TikTok.
Speaker 2I don't know if you've heard of it, though.
Speaker 1Okay, but, hmm, got to breathe Center, center, center, okay, Relationships, first rant I did not know that there are different developmental phases in relationships.
Speaker 2How many?
Speaker 1There are five. Okay, allegedly, because if you look it up there's like a bunch of different names, but in general there's like five and then could go up to seven.
Speaker 2How many is there? Is there five or is there seven?
Speaker 1The one I found that I've heard of, and there's a very nice book called Polly Wise by.
Speaker 2Jessica Fern and David something her ex-husband, and it's the sequel to Polly Secure, which we talked about.
Speaker 1Yeah, and we got to do a review. Once somebody reads Polly Wise, we got to do a little review. And please come to the Instagram Campfire Kingsters with K's If you would like to hear us do more reviews, because I love doing reviews.
Speaker 2I know it's a played out thing we haven't done that like a book review in a long time.
Speaker 1Yeah, we did Polly's Security. We were supposed to read another book. We were, and we did not read the other book because stuff happened.
Speaker 2So we'll read Polly Wise and we'll do an episode on a review of Polly Wise. I'm waiting on you because I am enjoying every one of it.
Speaker 1But there's a chapter five in there that gets really good. That talks about relationships the fuck okay so I I identify as well.
Speaker 1I physically identify as black person of color, but I was raised in an asian household and somewhat a little bit black. My, my understanding of relationships and I talked to my therapist about this today is uh, you yell at your partner, you don't do anything together, you go home and you come to my therapist about this today is you yell at your partner, you don't do anything together, you go home and you come to sleep, you deal with the kids and that's it. You have no life outside of that, no hobbies, whatever.
Speaker 2Who says that?
Speaker 1No, this is my no.
Speaker 2I'm saying this is my experience of relationships. Okay, this is your view.
Speaker 1And then In a lot of the POC cultures because I've been in there, but definitely in the Asian culture you're just supposed to go get a job and then get married. It's like how the fuck am I supposed to do this? In a single parent household I have no example of a good relationship.
Speaker 2Okay. So listening to Pollywise, You're just expected to be able to know how to do it.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gave me no instructional advice, barely got the sex talk. Instructional advice barely got the sex talk.
Speaker 2I can't remember how I actually got the sex talk, except for my friends. I was gonna say you got it from your friends, we talked about that not even yeah, yeah, if you want to call it that, allegedly, we just keep using that now.
Speaker 1um, but yeah, so I was in a very hectic house, cold, and then any other example I had the couple was yelling and fighting. There was no like romantic stuff whatsoever. So, yeah, I'm supposed to go go out there, which probably has something to do with how I am now, but yeah, and very religious, very conservative, which is another rant I have but there are five developmental stages. We'll just focus on the first two. I'm not gonna go over all five, can I?
Speaker 2point the fact that we're both looking at a computer screen that has absolutely nothing to do with what we're talking about but we keep both looking at it like it's going to magically change on its own.
Speaker 1What happens is it doesn't matter what I'm doing.
Speaker 1I'm scared to like move anything because you end up looking like I'm trying to do stuff in the background, looking at the screen, which makes me look at the screen, but you haven't changed the screen no because even when I'm the screen, still talking about what we talked about in our last episode exactly even when you're talking and I'm trying to do stuff in the background, you look, so I have to do it like covertly. I'm like, oh yeah, I'm looking at you, because then you get distracted of what I'm doing. It's like no, keep talking, I'm producing here.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1But I'm just going to focus on the first two, because most couples don't even get to the other three. Okay, about it, I'll talk about it and we gotta yeah it's a multiple episode multiple episodes and I'm definitely going to do a pillow fort session, if y'all like hearing me rant by myself, because I'm upset and this is what I like talking about. But there's a lot.
Speaker 2Of there's phases, how, in this, in this? Developmental how many episodes are there or how many um stages are there phases phases, stages developmental phases that I found from Polywise.
Speaker 1There's five.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1There's different see, because developmental doesn't necessarily mean relationship. But in the book and also the website I'm using, it's specific to couples. I'm going to just probably say heteronormative couples, but you can say any kind of relationship really.
Speaker 2So friendship, any orientation, emotional relationship, all that emotional relationship, play partner, all that stuff, a DS? Could we apply this to DSs?
Speaker 1Yes, yep, all the different things Once you start going there, but then you have all the different relationship stuff and that's where you get into the different seven phases and stuff like that too. So just going to talk about the first two for this one, because keep it a shorter episode the first one is very important because that's where a lot of couples, from my understanding, get stuck in. So this is I've actually heard outside of Pollywise and also in when people are talking about different relationship stuff. People talk about being in the symbiotic or symbiosis phase. Now this is a stage where people like to call when people make songs about it new relationship energy. I'm sure we've all heard about that. But basically that's where you come together as a couple or what have you and you merge together all your common interests and there's like a little bit of a fantasy thing because there's a lot of promises made and you kind of go into that because you're in a heightened state of awareness, you have a lot of hormones.
Speaker 2So you're looking at all of the things that you have in common and you're ignoring the things that you don't.
Speaker 1Exactly. And then also you have big promises that you make. Oh yeah, we're going to do this. Take these trips, your future planning, yeah future planning together, and you're in the euphoric stage of your relationship.
Speaker 2New relationship. Okay, we got all these things together. I found somebody.
Speaker 1Yeah, I found somebody that has a common interest that I like and, unfortunately, from my childhood, this is all a relationship is. This is where I've been lying to.
Speaker 2A constant state of this.
Speaker 1Yes, and you're supposed to stay in this.
Speaker 2And if you don't, you're a failure.
Speaker 1Yes, and you're supposed to stay in this and if you don't, you're a failure.
Speaker 2Yes, and Jessica, actually points this out in the book.
Speaker 1Okay, so they take turns in the book, so you'll get to that eventually. They switch off back and forth between Jessica and David. This is where she talks about. A lot of couples stay in this phase and you are like punished for not being in that phase for the whole relationship.
Speaker 2Well, consider it a failure. Yeah, for the whole relationship. Well, consider it a failure. Yeah, this must be a bad relationship because we're not this anymore. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1We're not in the honeymoon phase, which a lot of people like to talk about. And then they're like, oh, you're not in the honeymoon phase anymore. It's like, oh time they're in the relationship. It's like, no, there's another step which I didn't know there is. That's what it's called.
Speaker 2That's what it's called differentiation. It looks like there's more words than that.
Speaker 1That's a explaining of what differentiation is, which I'm going to do here. This is where you get into the phase of huh. We talked about this in the beginning of a relationship, but I haven't heard anything about it anymore and there's no action.
Speaker 2I've been taking on it so now we're not talking about the things that we have in common anymore. We're talking about the things that are different about us. Exactly, and we brought it up Like I really love going to the movies.
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 2And you were like, yeah, it's not my favorite activity, you know, I tend not to do that very much. And then we moved on with the conversation and never brought it up again.
Speaker 1In the honeymoon phase.
Speaker 2In the honeymoon phase, but now that we're comfortable we're wearing our PJs throwing our hair up in a bun no makeup.
Speaker 1We've seen the light.
Speaker 2We've come out of the fog. I've realized I haven't gone to a movie in a long time.
Speaker 1Coming off the high.
Navigating Relationship Phases and Expectations
Speaker 2And I'm like well, wait a minute. I really enjoy going to the movies. I thought I brought up that I really like going to the movies, why haven't we gone to a movie?
Speaker 1Yes, or done that certain type of play before. We haven't used a paddle or a flogger in a long time. I really love flogging.
Speaker 2Why haven't we done any impact?
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 2I thought I mentioned that I really love impact.
Speaker 1Remember that contract we talked about very early in the beginning. We haven't done any kind of work on that whatsoever. There's no actual contract.
Speaker 2And then you remember, yeah, we know we did talk about that and I mentioned that I don't like going to the movies and I don't like vlogging and then, so we just dropped it. But did we?
Speaker 1Your role play is very, very much on point right now, isn't it?
Speaker 2It's very much. I love it when I can break you. This is great.
Speaker 1Keep going, you're really in it right now. I am.
Speaker 2I wonder why. I wonder why I never get to go to the movies and the partner's like well, I know why we don't go to the movies? Because I mentioned that I don't like movies. So why would I want to go to the movies when I've already told you I don't like doing that?
Speaker 1Yes, so we're going to stop there on those first two faces, because I'm picking up on this pretty quick. Let's keep going. No, no, this is not the podcast. We're ranting right now and I like the way you're coming right now Very passive, I like it. But, yes, I want to rant on the fact that.
Speaker 1I did not know that this was a second phase of a thing and that you were supposed to do this in a relationship. I thought you were just supposed to focus on the stuff you had in common but why would you do that? Why would I think that or why would I do that in action? Both why would you think?
Speaker 1that because, as I was growing up and this is my rant I did not know this because you know what? They don't teach this shit in school. I'm so mad after all this time I did not know this, but then people want to judge. You be like oh, I like them. Why are you guys not together anymore? It's like because I didn't go through differentiation and people look at you like what the fuck is differentiation? And it's like a very important phase of a relationship. You should take note of what you don't have in common and be able to uh figure out if there's a balance there between what you have in common with your person and don't have in common.
Speaker 2I don't think. I don't think personally. I don't think it's whether or not you have a balance with what you don't have in common. I think it's being able to still come to the table as an individual with differences and different things that you do have in common. And if that is something that doesn't match your partner, how can you still have it fulfilled within your life, or is it important enough that it still should be fulfilled?
Speaker 1Yes, you jumped the gun there, ms Rue, because the third phase, which we weren't going to go into but we'll talk about, is called individuation.
Speaker 2About the fact that you're still an individual even though you're in a relationship, and that you don't lose your personal identity because you choose to walk the life with another person who was also an individual before they met you and while they're with you yes, seriously, your relationship does not identify you your relationship doesn't identify you, you mean so what you're saying is, even though I choose to be with this person and I love this person or have these feelings for this person, I still put my own on, make my own decisions and have my own personal ideology and perspective on life and have likes and dislikes outside of what we agree on and enjoy within our relationship.
Speaker 1Yes, you are a human being.
Speaker 2You know what Without?
Speaker 1even without your relationships.
Speaker 2How is this shit not on a billboard? I'm telling you what this is my rant. I'm upset how did you not know this?
Speaker 1I did not know this because I was not raised. They didn't teach it to me in school. All I know is being taught in school. There's nothing else. It's not like they make a sitcom or a TV show about this. No, this is not what they do.
Speaker 2People argue and then they don't you know what else they don't talk about? What is how this isn't one dimensional or one directional exactly because you can start at one and go to three, and then go back to two, and then maybe go back to one, because you found out there was something that you didn't your partner introduced you to. So now you're back in the phase because you found something new to have in common like polyamory it's like you know, or like shit.
Speaker 2I didn't realize that I really love rope until I met somebody who did rope and even though I said I don't like rope, I did rope with this person. Now we're back to one. How about that? It's multidirectional.
Speaker 1Is it called a spectrum?
Speaker 2No, it's called an ebb and flow. An ebb and flow and that you should be able to ebb and flow in and out of these stages, and that, ultimately, is what makes a healthy, productive relationship.
Speaker 1I don't know that I think that's the misconception.
Speaker 2I think that's where you're missing your mark. It's not the fact that you didn't know about these stages. I think it's the fact that you didn't know that there was a category of stages.
Speaker 1All of that, I didn't know stages existed.
Speaker 2Right, but you didn't know them as stages they were things that you had encountered, you're correct encountered. And there were things that you were aware of.
Speaker 1You were aware of the fact that my gut told me something was wrong.
Speaker 2But you were aware of the fact that you were going to connect with a person on a lot of mutual things and you personally were aware that there were going to be things that you didn't agree on or didn't see eye to eye on.
Speaker 2But, be it play styles, food, music, whatever the case may be, hobbies. But you were also aware that you brought your own individuality to the relationship and that you had the ability to stand on your own within a relationship, regardless of what your partner liked. Now you always hope that you can introduce them, that you always hope you can introduce them to board games and that they might not love them but they can tolerate them, or they can have an interest in them, or they can love the fact that you love them. Right, but you've known that these stages exist. You've just never had the words to identify them so that you could better negotiate and navigate them in a healthy way instead of tripping on them when they happen.
Speaker 1Yeah, kind of I didn't know there was a difference. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 2Yeah, so now that there's words and there's boundaries and there's definitions to what these individual stages that happen sign within a relationship or multiple times with multiple people, because we were probably right then now you can be more aware of it when it's happening, instead of tripping over it and constantly recovering. Which is the difference?
Learning Through Experience vs. Formal Education
Speaker 1be proactive and reactive within a relationship or thinking it's bad because you have multiple things you don't have in common, like oh, and it's not bad, it's just a new negotiation which now I'm made aware of, which is why we're here and around the kinky campfire. We're here to educate through awareness. Now you're aware of what the different phases are.
Speaker 2We just got through three yeah, those two.
Speaker 1Three, that's fine Technically. We didn't even hit the three. We foreshadowed three.
Speaker 2Okay, foreshadowed three.
Speaker 1We told you about two, but there's five or seven or whatever. But the point is I'm ranting so we're not going to talk about all that today, but damn it.
Speaker 2You got to rant, you want to go over, but are you more upset about the fact that there are actual phases Like who did you expect you this?
Speaker 1is not. That's my public education. That's my rant. Why is it not part of public education?
Speaker 2well, I mean, why should it be? Because we all have relationships, yeah, but it's not our job to teach other people's children how to navigate their relationships there we go.
Speaker 1What's your rant? Do you want to say what? Who should be the ones teaching?
Speaker 2not the public education system. Who should be teaching? Not the public education.
Speaker 1That's all you're gonna say, yeah, I say because they can get it from a number of different places, depending on the environment that they're who should be teaching, not the public education system. Is that all you're going to say? Yeah, I say it's the parents, I'll have an opinion.
Speaker 2Because they can get it from a number of different places, depending on the environment that they're raised in. They can get it from parental units, they can get it from their-.
Speaker 1I should be number one. In my opinion, they can get it from their religious organizations. They could Not the G-O-D the.
Speaker 2They can get it from their religious. There are very healthy relationship aspects to a lot of religious organizations out there have you talked to like a religious leader person about relationships. Yes, you have. I was raised in a religion and it was good.
Speaker 1It was good for them, you should abstain and not do anything, and then God will lead the way. I didn't say it was good, I said it could be good for them, because there are people want to know it, was it good or not?
Speaker 2not for me. They can get it from therapy hopefully I mean it and sometimes gonna burst your little bubble there. Not everything has to be taught to you for you to learn. Some things just need to be learned, like making the mistakes.
Speaker 2Yes, burning the bridges in the city, oh god, some things just need to be learned, because did you learn the lessons that you were taught? Were those ingrained more in your brain when you learned them from a professor in a classroom, or when you made the mistake and had to live through it and and learn how it affected you personally by going through it?
Speaker 2I would say yes which lessons resonated with you more and played a bigger part in developing who you are as a person now I will say this, I'll say, I'll say julius, not sir earl rick.
Speaker 1I know personally because I've done the shadow work. I need both. I need first give me an outline of what you were doing.
Speaker 2Say, say for math for example, realistic it can be, you cannot be given an outline for every life lesson that you need to be able to know to navigate this without problem.
Speaker 1Why would you want?
Speaker 2to walk this earth without obstacles.
Speaker 1I would say that learning about it beforehand lessens the obstacle and also helps me personally learn from my mistake. When I say, oh, that was it, like I was being judgy, which is something I learned recently. I would say I personally developed more now knowing what judgy is and also knowing the signs of being judgy, which is something I learned recently. I would say I personally developed more now knowing what judgy is and also knowing the signs of being judgy.
Speaker 2And see this is going to be a debate within communities. Is it better to teach people what to do and how to do it the right way?
Speaker 2I think people have been doing that, or is it better to create a safe environment of which people can learn and learn from the mistakes that they make. Safe environment, but you see what I'm saying? But you're advocating for that. Everything should be taught in a lesson, and I'm advocating for everything should be taught in an environment that is safe and productive for people to be able to fall in their face and learn the lessons they need to learn for them individually.
Speaker 1I'm actually on both sides, so I agree with mine and with yours, I would say I have a little camp.
Speaker 2I'm in education.
Speaker 2You know I do kink education and I do it as much as I possibly can for the right reasons, right. So obviously I believe in the education platform to be able to provide people with the information that they need. However, for life lessons, for relationship lessons, for DS lessons, I can stand on a stage and I can teach a class about being a dom. I can give them definitions, I can give them scenarios, I can give them examples. I can even provide life lessons of things that I have learned in being a dominant, and it will not prepare them for being a dominant of another person.
Speaker 1I agree.
Speaker 2However, I can create or help to create. I can give them the definition and I can always provide the examples and I can be available for advice and guidance and create the environment for which they can go out and be a dominant and have the safety net to be able to make the mistake and learn from them, because they are relevant to them personally.
Speaker 1Yes, I agree. I agree, you need both.
Speaker 2In moderation, not one. To me it shouldn't be one or the other, it's got to be a little bit of both. But to me, more experience, less formal education. When we're talking about soft skills, hard skills I can stand in front of a class and I can teach anybody how to throw a flog Literally anybody. I can teach you in under an hour, never touched one before being able to effectively and with accuracy and fun, throw a flogger. I can't. That's a hard skill.
Speaker 2We can teach that. We can teach you how to hit with a cane. We can teach you how to do a single call. We can teach you how to do electro, how to do fire, basic fire. We can teach all with assurity, all of the things. But when you start talking about soft skills, when you're starting to involve the, any individual other than yourself, you can't finitely teach to cover anything that could possibly come up or that they would experience. You can only give basics. You can give definitions so that we are all speaking the same language, we're all using words, but then you have to create the environment.
Speaker 1Yeah, good luck with that part, cause yeah, but yes, you need both. You have to create the environment. Yeah, good luck with that part Because, yeah, but yes, you need both. I would say for me personally, I need 50-50. Because knowing the definition is just like gaslighting it's a very popular thing in the last year we didn't know about that. In the 90s we didn't know what it was.
Speaker 2Well, we knew about it, but we didn't have a word for it. Yeah, we knew the concept, the concept was alive and thriving, but we didn't have a word for it, and also, I didn't know I was doing it.
Speaker 1So, no, I didn't know what it was, I thought it was just a normal thing. So you just argue it. So, yeah, knowing what it is now, even though it's overused but I'll just use that as an example, because all the people know what it is now. Knowing what it is and knowing that it was bad, a good thing to do, and I was just not aware of what I was doing. I thought that was just a normal thing in relationships. Another thing, bringing being brought up in the culture. But, yeah, having both being taught, being made aware of the thing and then also being able to practice it. Definitely why I want to do the coaching thing because, yeah, I want to be the person in helping somebody do both with the hard skills and the soft skills. Not so much the hard skills, because that's the actual skill, just do that but having the soft skills, having a direction of where you're going and actually working on that actual skill.
Speaker 2Now I think there's benefit in creating a class where this can be applied to dynamics and interpersonal relationships with E.
Speaker 1That's another thing, too, that people are probably not aware of. Is that that relates to the kink in the bsm which people do? It's like, yes, all this happens and relate it?
Speaker 2very much so, because you see this in new dynamics. They get in it. They meet somebody. How many times have we met a submissive type, an s type? That has always been an s type. They identify as an s type, but they've never had a dominant. They've never had somebody that actually wanted to take that authority and have that authority over them. And then they meet one. They meet a top who can do all of the things to them that they've always dreamed of, that want to take that authority, want to take that control, want to take that power, all of the things right. And then you've got the D type.
Speaker 2That's like holy shit, I finally found somebody that let me do the things to them. And I've always wanted to do these things porn. I've taken all the classes, all the things. I'm going to control what panties they wear. I'm going to control what color shirt they wear. I'm going to control what food they eat. I'm going to control if they go to the bathroom. I'm going to get to do all these things.
Exploring Kink and BDSM Roles
Speaker 2And they're in stage one and they frenzy and they're doing all the things and they think they've negotiated, they think they have got it all figured out, even though they've never done it before. And then something happens. Sometimes it's a month, sometimes it's five months, sometimes it's a week. Something happens where they were like, well, no, I don't want it. I thought I told you I wasn't. Well, yeah, I heard you. But I mean like, but we've already done all these things. Do you want to try that? But if you want to do it with somebody else, I'm okay with that. Well, why opens a whole can of worms? Now, what do they do? They sever the dime because the diamond must be bad, because we're not agreeing.
Speaker 1Yep, that's great, because they didn't know about differentiation renegotiating that's why we always broadcast on this podcast to negotiate.
Speaker 2All the time gotta negotiate or when the one partner introduces well, I want to do rope play. Well, I didn't I, I thought I said I don't, I don't like. Well, yeah, you said you don't. But I mean, like I really remember, I said I liked the. Can we do the rope thing? No, I really don't want to do the rope thing. Are we really compatible?
Speaker 1Or the partner that uh decided well, it's not really decided Relationship and deciding oh, I want to be kinky or poly all of a sudden after 15 years. Yeah, all these different things.
Speaker 2It can be applied all the way across the board, oh man. So when you are in your symbiosis, when you're in the symbiosis stage, the first, stage NRE.
Speaker 1yep, nre right.
Speaker 2Does any of this research and any of this information give you a ballpark estimated time of about how long that stage lasts? They usually say up to two years, so it's the first two years that's what they say.
Speaker 1Up to two years. Yeah, six, anywhere from like six months to two years.
Speaker 2But I'm just starting this because I just learned about this.
Speaker 1But, um, yeah, I would love to see if there's a timeline for all the different phases and see, like about when that that happened. And also would like to see people that go into the four and the five. It's like that's probably where the people are like 50, 60, 70 year relationship.
Speaker 2They did this on their own, without even knowing without knowing, there was a thing that they were doing, jesus.
Speaker 1So that's the magic cure right there, all right so, moving on to the next rant, you don't have a rant. You don't have one.
Speaker 2No, I'm good. Okay, this was fun. Yeah, another one. Oh my god, yeah, I see that you love it. The role playing is great.
Speaker 1Let's talk about terms.
Speaker 2Terms yes, like words.
Speaker 1Yeah, all the different kink, let's just do kink and BDSM terms.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1Have you gone onto our favorite website?
Speaker 2We have a favorite website. Yeah, good old FedLife Okay.
Speaker 1Have you seen the number of roles and-.
Speaker 2They've increased again, oh again, again they broaden, they keep adding more. Well, of course, look at our society.
Speaker 1We keep adding more things to our society yes, and I keep putting on the website, which is interesting. Haven't been on the website for 10 plus years. The recent changes that they've had a lot.
Speaker 2I remember when there was very basic rules you could choose from, whether it that you or not, and they actually give you a definition of what all the roles are.
Speaker 1They do yes, they do Wow. I'm not gonna go there because there's so many, but anyways.
Speaker 2What? No, you can't bring it up and then not pull it up and let me see. Oh my God, so why is this a rant? My rant is.
Speaker 1There are people that even identify as educators that don't.
Speaker 2That's a role now.
Speaker 1No, oh Not yet that don't want to explain the differences, or haven't taken the time to explain the differences between the different roles and definitions and terms.
Speaker 2Can you give an example?
Speaker 1I don't really want to but they have trouble with the RAC, the SSC and the FLIC.
Speaker 2What about PRIC and PRIC? They have trouble like defining the difference between them.
Speaker 1Yes, and they have issues with the concept of the different definitions.
Speaker 2There's too many abbreviations and letters now, but they do understand that the abbreviations have evolved, which is why they're different with time and society.
Speaker 1They don't need this. There's too many letters.
Speaker 2There's too many letters and they have different with time and society. They don't need this. It's too many letters. There's too many letters.
Speaker 1And they have trouble with the alphabet.
Speaker 2Well, that's society has is still adjusting to that, yeah, and so, of course, with this being a subset of society, there is going to be learning curve everywhere. It's just a matter of some people's learning curves are bigger than others.
Speaker 1Yes, some sex of society's curves are bigger than my thing is, why are you fessing to be an educator on the space or have a social media platform where you produce content, but you have trouble with this. But everybody has their own opinion.
Speaker 2That's a small rant for mine, so that would go back to our previous podcast on the difference between calling in and calling out. Why? Why are people see, and that's one of the things that I preach to people that you are so that would go back to our previous podcast on the difference between calling in and calling out.
Speaker 1Why are people?
Speaker 2seeing. That's one of the things that I preach to people that you are educated. Don't take a class just because they decide to offer one. You know what are they teaching. Why are they teaching it? Where have they taught before? What communities are they involved in? You need to vet your educator. Just because I'm standing on the stage doesn't mean that I'm important. It means I got picked. Yep.
Speaker 1That's another thing. You want to talk about that whole process. I don't think a lot of people know this. Like I didn't know you had to apply to do this thing.
Speaker 2Well, for convention you have to apply to be a presenter.
Speaker 1Well, I mean, people are presenters.
Speaker 2You can get invited, but with conventions you have to apply to be a presenter and then they vet you. You have to provide references of people that you that will give a reference for you, that will vet you. You have to list where have you taught previously? What have you taught previously? You have to provide contact information for them to be able to contact those people and they will vet all of their presenters. One, to see if you're in good standing and capable of presenting, and two, does do you align with the view and the vision of the convention and the education that they're wanting to provide?
Speaker 1see, I didn't know all that.
Speaker 2That's interesting and so just because somebody's stand, and even then, when you're at a convention, good educators will tell you vet my class, vet me as a presenter, don't sit in here and listen to my class and just take my word as is. Do your research Just like you would a partner, just like you would a play partner.
Speaker 1Just like you would do for podcasts. Don't listen to us, just do research or just like you would do for a job.
Speaker 2You know, vet them, see, dig into their background and see if they're worthy of listening. Now you can sit in somebody's class and you can always choose what you take from. I have had classes that I have sat in that have been horrible, absolutely horrible. Did not agree with anything that the presenter was saying, didn't agree with what they were presenting, didn't agree with their ideology behind it, their reasoning behind it. However, it taught me how not to be. I learned lessons on how not to do things. I learned lessons on how not to sound, on how not to how ineffective ways to resolve conflict in my community based off their information. So just because you sit in somebody's class, don't be okay with what you get from that class. You don't always have to have an epitome. You don't always have to have this glowing light bulb moment where you learn something monumental. You might learn something like I never want to do that, I never want to experience that, I never want to sound like.
Speaker 1So be okay, but you still have to vet so is that, and very quickly, since we're on the education topic, do you want to tell us the difference between kink and BDSM? That's not what we're doing, we're going back. We got to go back Kink and BDSM.
Speaker 2So what are these roles? There's a lot. They actually have wait a minute. They now have a section for looking for and not looking for. I've never seen the not looking for before. Oh yes.
Speaker 1As somebody that uses FetLife as a dating app. When you message somebody, there's a little pop-up that comes up and it says not looking for so before you send a message. There's a notification that says what the person is not looking for I really need to go fix my profile.
Speaker 2Yes, and then it goes on to say like if you still want to message this person, you can, but this isn't what they're not looking for Now. This is a brand new message, not a reply to an existing thread.
Speaker 1This is when you message somebody for the first time. So yeah, it's a little pop-up that comes up there.
Speaker 2I've never seen the not looking for this is intriguing.
Speaker 1Chrome has AI now, which we can talk about again. So yes, there's a. This is a big old list now.
Speaker 2Wow, look at that.
Speaker 1This is I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling, yes, and then towards the bottom, we have Undecided and Vanilla, of course. Facilitator Munch Organizer.
Speaker 2Oh, look at that. Circus Master, circus Master. Do they have Cat Wrangler?
Speaker 1There's a Feral Menace and a Chaos Gremlin, chaos Coordinator, chaos Gremlin Tamer, you can be. Oh, goblin King, oh, add a bunch of them. Witch Wizard yes, werewolf, I'm a werewolf, I'm a werewolf, little Monster, succubus Incubus.
Speaker 2I want Chaos Coordinator.
Speaker 1That'd be amazing. Chaos Organized Chaos.
Speaker 2Yeah, I don't see that one.
Speaker 1Vampirous Demon. You probably add it on here.
Speaker 2Probably.
Speaker 1Goodness, gracious, yeah, this is all the stuff that's on here now. Fairy kink mother, just a straight pervert.
Speaker 2I mean, aren't we all Mentor, protector, drag king, drag queen? And so when you're picking these roles, you don't food slut, there you go. Have you added that to yours, I'm?
Speaker 1100%. You can only have five. That's the problem.
Speaker 2So they added these things, but you can have five, you can only have five, so you got to like rotate it out. Food daddy, food flatterer. I think food slut should be at the top of your list Give me a cheeseburger.
Speaker 1I'm telling you what. Whore myself out Electrobotten electro switch. So very-.
Speaker 2These are very specific Needle.
Speaker 1And then they have all these specific ones, but then you can only do five Slut Boot, bitch Boot, black. Leather Pony Leather Slut, leather man Leather Pup Latex Adult Baby Tickly Banking, bondage Slut.
Speaker 2Bondage Switch Solo.
Speaker 1Player man. That just made me think of a Reddit post that somebody put up. They want to get more kink experience, but solo.
Speaker 2So go to classes.
Speaker 1Yeah, they want to practice.
Speaker 2But solo.
Speaker 1Yeah, and they specifically like losing control and being bound, but solo.
Speaker 2I'm like how? No, there's people that do self-bondage.
Speaker 1Yeah, but they want to have the loss of control.
Speaker 2Right, but you can do that. That's so easy.
Speaker 1Oof Screen is danger and stuck in a position you can't get out of.
Speaker 2No, no, no. So they make devices with timer.
Speaker 1Oh.
Speaker 2And you can do self-bondage and connect like lock whatever you're doing or keep it just out of distance for a certain time that you set on this timer and then, when the timer goes off, it either opens up and gives the key or opens up the bondage that you're in yeah. So you can absolutely experience that yourself and do it solo.
Speaker 1I should respond to their posts.
Speaker 2I didn't know you could do that. Yeah, I'll share it with you. Yeah, there's a lot of people who love bondage and love like helpless and they create situation that, as long as the timer is going, they are stuck where they are.
Speaker 1That's interesting I'd like to see what that looks like but this.
Speaker 2But this existed before technology, because you could do it with ice there's people who did self-imposed chastity, like men who did self-imposed chastity, where they would take the chastity device and they would put it on and they would lock it. And it's a trick I've used and you put a piece of string around the key and then you hang the string over the top of a cup so that the key is dangling in the middle of the cup. Right, it doesn't lay on the bottom but dangles in the middle of the cup. You put water in the cup and put it in the freezer and you are now stuck in this chastity device until the ice melts that one I've heard.
Speaker 1Have you ever made them use their body heat while bound to get the key out?
Speaker 2you could do that, but I mean like, so people will so we'll put the, we'll put it on and then go through the ritual of security and ice and you can make the ice as big like so, however long you want to be. Thing is how big the ice I've seen. I have personally put string on a key and and dropped it into the very middle of a two liter empty, two liter box and then filled it with water and then put it in the free, and so therefore, it takes thought.
Speaker 1Once it's taken out, it takes a while to freeze yeah then takes a while to thaw so you can rip the two liter apart to get to well you know, you just have to let it sit on the counter and thaw oh, all the way out, like that yeah, wow, you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 2So you could do it in a. You could do it in a rocks class glass, like so a short amount of time. So the bigger the container, the longer it takes for you to be able to get out. So you can do it. If you don't trust technology, you're like well, what if the battery dies, or what if the technology doesn't work? You don't have to have technology to do it. You can do it with ice, that's a good call.
Speaker 1Put it somewhere where you can't get it.
Speaker 2Yeah, now if Old school really adventurous People would take, like said chastity keys, right, not promoting this, but I'm saying it was done Okay, and they would mail it to themselves. Okay, so they would put it in a padded envelope and they would go to the post office and they would put it in the post office box with their address.
Speaker 1What?
Speaker 2if it gets lost. I'm just saying, and they would mail the key.
Speaker 1So then it was a waiting game on when the mail came. Is this the day that the mail came? You could post? Date it too, you could, god I'd be. So man that makes so.
Speaker 2My armpits are sweaty thinking so there's many ways that you can do something. Lost mail, mail, m-a-m-a-m-a-i-l, m-a-i-l.
Exploring Role Play and Identity
Speaker 1This just makes me nervous oh, speaking of mail, so my neurodivergent ass stopped checking my mail and I didn't know. The mail person can't put mail in there. They make you a vacant place, so you actually have to go to the post office to get your mail turned back on, because they send your mail back. I just learned this, wow, from personal. Like I said people, I'm here to educate you through my mistakes. Don't let your mail sit out for too long and not check your mailbox, because if the mail person can't put mail in the mailbox, they send it back to the post office and they return it to the sender because you didn't check it.
Speaker 2You can give the key to a trusted friend who has it at an undisclosed location until a certain designated date and time and, no matter what, they can't give it back to you.
Speaker 1This is a good call. When they were talking about it, I was thinking about ropes.
Speaker 2You can give it to a friend and say, okay, I want you to hold it for a minimum of two weeks, but don't tell me when you're going to give it back to me.
Speaker 1I don't know if that still counts as solo for them, though.
Speaker 2Why not they me? I don't know if that still counts as solo for them, though why not? They don't have access to I mean, yeah, I guess it's maybe because you're involving another person yeah, but I mean like it's not a good idea though, yeah, they're just they're just a conduit. They're just, you know, a block of ice. They're not involved in it.
Speaker 1There's no interaction, there's no exchange of power, they're just literally and also this is my bias too, because when they said solo, I thought they meant by themselves and I was like I don't know, so yeah.
Speaker 2Well, I mean, there's no difference between that. Nobody mentioned that, though. People who do solo rope, who self tie, people self tie all the time. That's different.
Speaker 1This person was specifically saying they wanted to like have the loss of control by themselves.
Speaker 2Yeah, so yeah, they didn't mention anything. No, it's a thing, it's a very old concept. It's been around a very long time.
Speaker 1I did not know. Yeah, they lost me. I found my new role primal sensualist.
Speaker 2Is that before or after food slut?
Speaker 1I would say before, because food slut. I would definitely need a partner for that. Why? Because I'm slutting it out.
Speaker 2No, I thought food slut was like need somebody to give me the food?
Speaker 1You don't just go get it yourself?
Speaker 2No, why I need somebody to bring me the food. Yeah, so you just go get it yourself.
Speaker 1No, I need somebody to bring me the food. It's the actual bringing of the food.
Speaker 2That doesn't make you a food specialist. It makes me a food specialist.
Speaker 1No, it doesn't.
Speaker 2There's no role for that there's no, really there's no role for that, but I am a primal sensualist.
Speaker 1So I'm going to add that you can be a duck.
Speaker 2You can be a duck. You can be a duck An otter.
Speaker 1We know what an otter is Squirrel possum? I don't.
Speaker 2I almost want to pick a duck.
Speaker 1So this must be the critter folks. That makes sense. Cuckolders, vixen Cake. Okay, so these are making more sense now.
Speaker 2So is it Chew toy.
Speaker 1You be a chew toy. I need a chew toy.
Speaker 2I know people who enjoy being chew toys.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's on my negotiation sheet.
Speaker 2To be a chew toy.
Speaker 1I need that booty, I need them booty. Cheeks, pilla Queen, brat Wrangler oh my god.
Speaker 2Not just a Brat.
Speaker 1Tamer Brat Wrangler.
Speaker 2No.
Speaker 1Oof, I need that. Okay, how am I supposed to just choose five Cuddle slut?
Speaker 2I'm 100% a cuddle slut. That's in there, it's a cuddle slut. So which one comes first cuddle slut or food slut? God?
Speaker 1you're killing me right now. You have to choose five.
Speaker 2See, this is where burnt out.
Speaker 1I burnt out two rolls ago. This is my problem. This is why I don't have pictures of myself. Edge top edge switch oh my God, because I can't decide what I want to be Primal sandal, masochist.
Speaker 2Oh my God. But see, you're missing the most beautiful point about this whole experience and lifestyle what it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1That's true. True, you can always change it. You want to write about that? You can always update it, do we have too many roles now?
Controversial Discussions on Politics and Morality
Speaker 2what you are now doesn't mean that that's that's what you have to be a year from now that's very true, but it doesn't mean that that doesn't mean why they let me into five things. I could be 10 things at this time next year but maybe that's the the essence of mystery, like you're just presenting five and somebody has to get to know the other five, it's. So what do you want the public to know? Compared to.
Speaker 1What do you want? There's like 10 things.
Speaker 2But here's the thing what do you want the public to know, compared to what do you want the people who take the time to create an interpersonal relationship with you to know? Just be a bitch. Is that on there? It's not there. I can be a bitch.
Speaker 1Just be a madam bitch.
Speaker 2Holy shit, I can be a madam bitch.
Speaker 1Corian, all the different word back. So now I have to go in there and figure out what I'm going to be. Okay.
Speaker 2So that could be the defining difference for you is what would you want? Your public persona to be, and what is only reserved for the people that have earned your interpersonal relationship.
Speaker 1So I'm starting to go by Julius on all the things now, and Julius is an open person, julius doesn't care, so they can learn all the different things. I can tell you, when the last time I went poop Speaking of poop there was green donuts that I had access to. Krispy Kreme, green donuts on St Patty's Day that I had like a dozen.
Speaker 2You ate a dozen.
Speaker 1Almost, almost by myself. Yes, krispy Kreme. They looked weird because they were green and they looked that kind of green where it's like damn, is that moldy? But they tasted fantastic. I had almost a dozen of those green donuts.
Speaker 2Guess what happened the day after.
Speaker 1Somebody was still seeing green going swirling down on the Super Bowl. Took the the brown. Didn't take the browns to the super bowl, I took the greens.
Speaker 2For the eagles, yes the eagles oh my god, this is disgusting.
Speaker 1We're not talking about this poop play people.
Speaker 2We're talking about poop play no, we are not hard limit time you don't have a rant about what I've talked I just want to get on the fucking.
Speaker 1The whole thing that started on this rant was the thing I talked about earlier. This fucking politics is not a political podcast, but god damn it. They're really forcing me to do my political education.
Speaker 2It's fucking annoying oh darn, and in a election time too, how the shame of it all that you have to actually there is a certain person educate yourself that's going from the state level to the national level anymore, so you even know how I'm talking about good, go ahead, trip not anymore. I hope they tripping, I don't they my ass. They're trying to promote, not they.
Speaker 1He fell flat on his ass and I am all about it, god yeah, I heard about something, so I'm glad it finally, but there's other ones out there, like the whole anti-abortion bullshit that's going on. How can you be a taxpaying adult in this country and not have a right to a choice? I don't understand this.
Speaker 2Why is this just now pissing you off, when women have been dealing with this since our existence in this country?
Speaker 1I haven't had a problem.
Speaker 2Why have been dealing with this? Since our existence in this country, I haven't had a problem. Why is it now pissing you off? It didn't evidently piss everybody off when we didn't have the right to vote. It didn't piss everybody off when we didn't have a right to own a car, when we didn't have a right to own a house, when we couldn't have a bank account.
Speaker 1We couldn't have property in our name.
Speaker 2It doesn't matter, it didn't piss people off back then. It pissed the people off that it affected.
Speaker 1Are we talking about the actual past?
Speaker 2It wasn't that distance of a past.
Speaker 1Yeah, there was other things that were going on that weren't that distant in the 1960s.
Speaker 2It wasn't that distance and it didn't piss off the people, except for the people that it affected.
Speaker 1Let's just say I choose my battles. If you're seeing me in person, Ms Rue, you know there's other battles I could be having being pissed about.
Speaker 2I'm just talking about the fact that you're pissed and I appreciate the fact that people are passionate about the fact that should have autonomy over their body, but it is not a new concept.
Speaker 1My thing is they gave it a place now where it's illegal to do stuff and for people to have a choice, and they're criminalizing the doctors.
Speaker 2They went backwards.
Speaker 1Yes, that's my issue Like why are we still fighting for this now, when we're trying to move?
Speaker 2forward. We thought we already did this. Why are we back to it? How can?
Speaker 1they like and then they go back and just do this and what the fucking shit? Okay, anyways, that's what I'm saying. My thing with that is there are people, individuals out there that that are spreading their opinions and then making it everybody's problem.
Speaker 2They're called politicians. That's their job.
Rating Physical Traits in Relationships
Speaker 1Did you ever hear that politics is a celebrity for ugly people? Stop it. I'm not even joking, that's an actual thing. That's what people say A celebrity for ugly people. You're just wrong. Just think about that. I'm not even not even me that said that. Okay, that's an actual thing that people say Celebrity for ugly people. You want to be famous and be ugly. You got to be a politician. Stop it.
Speaker 1You can't be an actor, but anyways, that's what they say. I believe it Because, yeah, that's some bullshit. Like I mean how Okay, yeah, when you have your, you have your own opinion. I have no problem with that. You have your way and you can be whatever affiliation you want. But my problem is when your affiliation affects my life or anybody else's life. You should have your opinion, but you can't tell people what they can't do and then make it illegal for doing that to their body, that shit. That's what got me started on the rant. And then the side thing with not knowing the definitions but claiming to be an educator Quick fun game that we're gonna switch over to we're gonna be happy people now.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1I just I have a platform and I want to rant about it. You're going to know my opinion If you want to hire me for my services. You're going to know where I lean.
Speaker 2Fun game.
Speaker 1Julius is here. Have you heard of the rating game? Could have been on TikTok TikTok trend. No, so the rating, whatever person you want to talk about, this mythical person, they are an eight but and then you either list a negative or a positive and then you change the rating based off of that so.
Speaker 2Oh rating.
Speaker 1Rating.
Speaker 2Not rating like you're rating the refrigerator.
Speaker 1Rating.
Speaker 2I heard rating like you're.
Speaker 1Rating Rating. I have heard of this. Okay, do you want to play?
Speaker 2So they're a 10, but they. Um, they're a 10, but they pee in the shower.
Speaker 1So now they're a seven.
Speaker 2Oh, good one, they're seven for you no, I mean, I don't care if they pee in the shower, as long as they don't aim at me oh, I thought you were going to go serious. Okay, I mean, like I was giving an example of like what the game is about.
Speaker 1Okay, yeah, I was going to give you an example. Yeah, okay, we're going to take that seriously, because that's the actual controversial thing. There's a spectrum, there's a bias on that. Some people hate it and some people don't.
Speaker 2I'm like am I in the shower Because I pee in the shower. Am I in the shower?
Speaker 1or am I by myself? I don't care. If at me, I'm okay. If they aim it at me, I'm knocking their asses out. I see what a sadist 100% wants. So yeah, if I'm in the shower, don't pee, which I don't. Do you have an opinion on showering? They can do that too. They're an eight, but they want you to take a shower with them.
Speaker 2Oh, then they're a nine.
Speaker 1Four, four total nine.
Speaker 2I don't know, I don't need to love, that's my private time pooping peeing showering private time love showering with somebody uh, nope, yeah they're they're a nine, but they pee while you're in the shower in the toilet or in the shower toilet and they flush it.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's an asshole move so what do you change? The rating to what do you?
Speaker 2I'm saying they're a nine, but they they still nine.
Speaker 1That's a funny joke, because you know what's about to happen. If you know what's about to happen, especially here, I've actually had that happen and it's like oh, good one, yeah good one, because, yeah, there's still a nine there's two showers in here and or two. There's two bathrooms in here, and whether you use either one, it changes the temperature, in the other in the shower so yeah, that's funny. Um, I'll go light. They are a six, but they don't like impact play.
Speaker 2So they're probably a four or five. It goes down.
Speaker 1I would still say six.
Speaker 2Only because I really enjoy it.
Speaker 1Yes, that's why I put it out there, and so.
Speaker 2I don't have to have it with my partner, but it's a bonus if they have.
Speaker 1But it goes down for you A little bit.
Speaker 2Yeah, I would still say there's a little bit. All right, your turn, so they're a, two, so they're. It doesn't have to be all like kink and bsm either. I don't know um. They're at nine but your friends don't like them? Which friends, your close friends, your inner circle, doesn't like them?
Speaker 1still a nine. Still a nine solo poly. You get that caveat. See, if I just don't bring them around then I'm done.
Speaker 2I'm done. If they're a nine and my friends don't like them, I'm done.
Speaker 1I've actually had that situation. My friends have literally told me oh, we like them better.
Speaker 2No, if my friends don't like them. No, no, no. Oh, I'm just saying in real life, yeah.
Speaker 1And they told that to the person. We like you the best is.
Speaker 2they're my friends they're my friends for a reason so they know shit about me that nobody else knows.
Speaker 2They know real I can't bullshit them yeah and so I could be in that first stage and they're gonna see things for what they are because they have no emotional ties so if my friends don't like somebody, it's for a very damn good reason, yeah, and I I trust them because they've been through the gauntlet with me and so, yeah, I will never lose a inner circle friend over somebody else yeah, see, I got the the ra, the relationship anarchy.
Speaker 1So there's gonna be people I date that my friends are never gonna meet or family and family hasn't met anybody I've dated, so yeah, I get what you're saying.
Speaker 2Yeah, not happening. If my friends come to me and we me and they were like no, adamantly that you are making the hugest mistake. We don't like them, they are bad for you, I would be like valid Okay.
Speaker 1Now do you but do your friends, meet every partner or play partner that you're with.
Speaker 2If they are going to be a significant person to me, then my friends meet them.
Speaker 1The friends have to meet them. Yeah, because I'm too social for them not to yeah I'm too social with my friends yeah, yeah, that they wouldn't meet them. Good old relationship and they usually meet them pretty early okay, okay, interesting, I got one for you okay they are a 10 but they don't they don't know bathroom etiquette. You need an example yeah say, for example, shower curtain are you a shower curtain open or closed person after you get out the shower?
Speaker 2um after I get out of the shower yes I'll close it before I leave the bath okay, I agree with that.
Speaker 1They leave the toilet seat up that's just an annoyance that's.
Speaker 2That's what I'm saying this is the rating depends how much it is.
Speaker 1They leave toothpaste residue in the sink. They don't refill the toilet paper, leave the cotton. The cotton. That's the thing on there yeah, okay, so there are 10 and they do all these things they're probably a four yeah, I think it is a zero, probably a four, like if it's fixable, if it's teachable, then I'm willing to go through the process of that okay, so for this one, I've been through the process of teaching and training, and they don't still do it. I have a caveat though. Okay, they don't want to change.
Speaker 2Oh, zero, total zero, yeah, yeah, so there are three.
Speaker 1Ooh, starting low, I like this.
Speaker 2Okay, so there are three. This is a good one Right Mm-hmm, but they check all of your future check mark they have the same. They view their future and your future a lot.
Speaker 1Okay, so there are three. I forgot to say this at the beginning when we're talking about ratings, we're talking about purely physical.
Speaker 2Oh, or what are we including personality in there? See, we didn't discuss that. It's up to you. You can say so this is a physical rating. Okay so that to you. They are a three, but they check your future check marks. You're killing my demisexual.
Speaker 1This is why I don't talk to everybody. This is why I live in my introvertism, because I've had that problem before.
Speaker 2So they're not somebody you would pick up at a bar. There's not somebody that you would click left on on the internet, but in conversation and spending time around them socially. You realize that all of the things check, but they aren't somebody that would initially catch your eye. You're killing me.
Speaker 1This is demisexual, I have to say 12. I me, this is demisexual, I have to say 12, I have to say 12. It's rude, rude. This is why I don't talk to people, because there's that initial attraction and it's like and it's not there, but then everything else is I've had this situation happen. I had to end it. So did they become more attractive to you once, everything else. Yeah, oh, the demisexual, of course. What's yours?
Navigating Social Preferences in Relationships
Speaker 2me if there are three, but everything in the future they'll probably go to like a seven or an eight. I would give them more of a chance to see if the attraction grows with the interest. Um, my experience tells me it does, because I see them different right.
Speaker 1But then we go into differentiation and nothing changed after two years exactly.
Speaker 2But then you have to get to that stage two.
Speaker 1Oh god, you're killing me with, killing me with that. Oh, all right, one more each.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1Oh, I'm so excited.
Speaker 2I had that happen.
Speaker 1This is why I don't talk to people. It's like you're a cool person. I got to stop talking to you.
Speaker 2I have a physical one for you. I'll go next you ready? Okay, they're an eight, would change anything, but they chew with their mouth open. That's a two, really.
Speaker 1Yeah, I can't do that I I have people that do that and it's like I want to slap them across the face. I have friends that do that, friends and family that do that and it's like are you serious? You're about to be 40 years, goddamn years old. You're still chewing your fucking mouth open and talking and talking with the spittle yes, I'm watching the spittle and where it's hitting.
Speaker 2Oh, that's so gross, and.
Speaker 1I'm counting how many times it happens.
Speaker 2Oh, it's a no for me.
Speaker 1It's a no.
Speaker 2It's a no, it's a zero.
Speaker 1I was like how are we in older people and you don't understand that eating with your mouth open? Oh God, that's so gross.
Speaker 2That was a good one. That was a very Okay. So as long as they just stand there and never eat around you, they're an eight.
Speaker 1No, because I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 2Because you know they do it yeah.
Speaker 1It's like snoring, it's just not a thing. I can't do it.
Speaker 2You would break up over snoring.
Speaker 1I tell people beforehand. I tell people beforehand.
Speaker 2Wait a minute. You would break up over something that they can't control.
Speaker 1It depends on how bad it is it okay, we're not gonna get into this because, yes, there's ways. But yeah, if I'm like, if you're snoring, I'm gonna give you a knee in the ass. I'm gonna wake you up, all right one more.
Speaker 2You know I've done this in front of you, I know so um okay.
Speaker 1So I'm thinking I wanted I can do another high one, but I want to do another. I want to try to do a low one because that three got me all right, so they're a five middle of the road personality we're doing, we're doing looks.
Speaker 2Okay, five, so average.
Speaker 1I think personality is too complicated.
Speaker 2Okay so eh. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1They're a five. I'm trying to get personal now.
Speaker 2I know you're trying to. I know I love it.
Speaker 1But they're an extrovert that doesn't like to go out, but when they do they're very sociable.
Speaker 2But their preference is to stay in so they would prefer if I gave them a choice. They would stay in, yes, but if I got them out, yeah. They don't want to be like life of the party, yeah they don't want to meet friends.
Speaker 2They don't want to go to the places that you usually go to but if I get them out, they're the life of the party they don't know, they don't want to do it they don't want to do it, they're just an introvert yeah, but you met them and they were like the life of the party oh, but the oh, it was a mask, yeah no but I mean, why would they have been out and been the life of the party if they don't like going out and doing?
Speaker 1they've been single for six years and they wanted to get laid at some point. So they're. So you know they can do it, but they don't want to do it, but they don't.
Speaker 2It's not in them to do it zero zero, I'm too social yep and so like. So I some people de-stress by like staying home, like they've peopled too much and they can't people anymore, and so to go and socialize compounds their peopling and they just can't do it.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Where me I work a very people-y job I am talked at, talked to, talked with for solid hours out of my day. Yep solid hours out of my day, and so when I need to de-stress, it is relaxing for me to be in a sports bar watching a game being around people doing something social.
Speaker 2You know what I'm saying it's relaxing to me to be at a pool hall with a group of people shooting pool, bullshitting, throwing darts, drinking a beer, eating some wings, going to a Sunday football game and bar and doing that. It's going to a sporting event, watching a basketball game. To me, those are two totally different things. And it's relaxing for me. And now it's also relaxing for me to sit on the couch and hibernate and, you know, eat your favorite snack, watch your favorite tv show and not go anywhere all day. Like I've had enough, I need to reset. I'm gonna stay home, but on average, I enjoy being social yeah, see, for me that would still be a five.
Speaker 1It's it to me if they never.
Speaker 2If they never do it though. Now, if it's one of those where it's like they're half and half, they would still be a five, give me the option that we can do it yeah and then I understand days that we don't, because there are days that I don't.
Speaker 1Yeah, this is the. You can get them out, but you're forcing them to go out.
Speaker 2No, I'm not anybody's parent anymore. It's not for me to force anybody to do anything, so you said a zero. Probably a zero, because I couldn't deal with that. I mean, I have been in a relationship with an introvert. I have been in a relationship where peopling was hard but they could do it when they went out. They could do it if they knew they were going to.
Speaker 1they could prepare yeah, to do it and then, even with all of the preparation, they would reach a threshold yep and hit their done point before I would hit mine yeah, um, but they did it well, like when you were watching them.
Speaker 2They did it well, they did it well and they interacted with the people that they wanted to interact with and they enjoyed the people that they that they did enjoy, but it wasn't their thing they were out because of me. So I've been in that relationship, I've been in that situation and while we did have fun while we were out, it wasn't the same as somebody who enjoys socializing as much as you do so you're not going to do it and so I would not want to put myself in a situation where I was with somebody that I felt like their interactions with me, like that, were full.
Speaker 2I want them to want to be out enjoying doing the things with me, just like I would want somebody to want to. If they were an extrovert. I would want and I needed to stay home. But see, that's where I'm weird, like that Like oh, this is another one. I'm an introvert, if they're an introvert and I'm the extrovert in that situation. If you don't want to go anywhere, you just have to be okay that I still do.
Speaker 1Okay, what about if you're both extroverts but they don't want to do social events? A lot of your social events, Do you know? They go out and do stuff, but it's usually on their own.
Speaker 2No, we have to have something in common, we have to be able to do some things, or else why are we together?
Speaker 1We don't have to do everything. But everything at home is good.
Speaker 2No, because I'm still too social.
Speaker 1Yeah, you can go do social things separately.
Speaker 2But why would I? No? Because everything at home is good. No, good old dick doing all that stuff. I mean good dick's good dick, but not good enough to go through that.
Speaker 1They all their dynamic's fantastic, it fantastic, they do all the not evidently not that good. Dynamics fantastic, yeah, sure good with intimacy, romance and everything.
Speaker 2Yeah, do all the different things they can, yes, but if they can't go out and enjoy being social with me, then no. They have to be able to appreciate that they can do their own things on their own and I can do my own things on my own but there has to be things that we do together and it has to be outside the home see how they would only only lose, like a point.
Avoid Saying "Two Ks" Outro
Speaker 2So if I was having an introvert day, I'd be okay with them going and doing, like, go get it out of your system, go have fun, tell me all about it when you get home and you can be okay with me staying home. Now, if you really want to piss me off, tell me you want to stay home and I go do the thing.
Speaker 1And you left child please my friend came into town randomly and they hit me up and wanted me to go out with them just don't let me find out afterward.
Speaker 2Communicate with me, because if I come home and find out you're gone and I don't know why, oh we, I don't know what phase that is, but yeah, no yeah, that's a thing that's a communication breakdown again, but again, that's the relationship anarchy and solopolly.
Speaker 1It's like it's fine, no problemarchy in. Solopolly, it's like it's fine, no problem with that.
Speaker 2But yes, that was enjoyable. I like that game. We'll have to actually come up with ones to trip each other. That would be fun.
Speaker 1That would have to do some pre-planning and some research beforehand. Okay, so this has been Around the Kinky Campfire. We went a little long because that was a fun game, so we'll probably delve back into that. I would definitely want to use that as an icebreaker, so you're free to take that, even though I didn't come up with it. It's like an icebreaker for something.
Speaker 2Who am I? I remember who are you. This is Rue and I'm.
Speaker 1Sir Rick von Lichtenstein, rip Heath Ledger, which is doing all the dead people that we, or Julius. This is Around the Kinky Campfire. We do new sessions, new episodes, every mostly second and fourth Thursday. Apparently, we're going to be talking about developmental phases and relationships at a later time and I'm definitely going to talk about it myself. Pillowfort sessions every mostly first and third Thursdays. We put the episodes and everything the podcast is on all major platforms. Come join us at the Instagram Campfire Kinksters all with the Ks around the Kinky Campfire. Everything with Ks, all the Ks All right, I don't All the Ks.
Speaker 2Can we not say that? Just two. Can we just please not say that?
Speaker 1You could do an outro. You want to do the outro.
Speaker 2No, but I just don't like that. Two Ks.
Speaker 1Two Ks oh my gosh, one Ks. Yeah, maybe I could do an outro you can send me, you can record it and send it to me and put it out there and then we don't have to do it anymore.
Speaker 2I just don't like that.
Speaker 1Campfire Kingsters Instagram. Let us know what you think, and I hope you've been enjoying the making sound bites and putting them on there, but for now that is all. We'll talk to you next time, goodbye.
Speaker 2And hello.
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